Caring or supporting for an elderly parent with a rotten personality

[Anonymous]

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OP,

I don't mean this in a nasty way at all, but you do realize you're enabling your parents' refusal to hire help, by going to their house and helping?

I understand you'd want to do that for parents you like and respect.

But I do not understand your motivation to do this after the screed you wrote. Were you raised to be very obedient and respect all elders despite their cantankerousness? That's very virtuous, but at some point your health, physical and mental, is going to deteriorate with the constant comings and goings, and you might regret not having put your foot down earlier, and forced them into hiring someone by refusing to do that work yourself.

I know it's a game of chicken, of course. They might suffer and fall and be in pain and risk their lives before they ever agree to hire someone. Or they might prefer to just die on the floor before letting a stranger into their home. Some people are like that. But considering the history you just described... that's a risk you might be willing to take.

Jesus Christ. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

You've posted several times on this thread, but you're convincing no one with your faux outrage. Adult children are under no moral obligation to help parents who were abusive and unpleasant. You reap what you sow.

Sure. You are who you are. There is no parallel plane where you get to be your best self, because you are around other people who are also their best selves. This is it. If you are willing to let your parent lie on the floor in pain or even die alone on the floor because they were abusive to you then THAT'S WHO YOU ARE. It's not because of your parents -- it's because of you yourself.

Being a good person is hard. There is no perfect environment for you to do it. Just this one, this flawed, f'd up world. Others may be abused AND help their parents because that's who THEY are.

Be who you want to be in this life. Do you want to be the person who was fine letting their parent die alone on the floor? Because "mommy and daddy"? Then that's who you are.

I was abused growing up -- physically, psychologically and emotionally. Brutal. I care for my parent now because that's who I am. My behavior is not dependent on them. I'm an adult now. It's my choice.

I can tell you really believe this. You're painting a very black and white picture in which it's pretty notable you are casting yourself as heroic and morally superior. There are options between letting the parent die alone on the floor and you, the formerly abused child, directly caring for your parent. You must know that though.

I was responding direclty to posters claiming that if their parents were in pain on the floor for hours or even died on the floor alone, they would be fine with it. If it bothers you this much that I am being compassionate towards someone who was nasty to me, then you should ask yourself why you continue to pretend you don't care when clearly you do. Being toxic toward a parent is not "breaking the cycle." It's thrashing around in the poison waters. There IS a way out. There IS a better way. Compassion IS real. You can experience it, too. If you try.

I’m compassionate even though I have no intention of spending much time helping my dad. In general, my compassion lies with letting old people decide how they want to both live and die.

I told my dad very recently when he was hospitalized “hey, if your best life is to go back and live by yourself on a sailboat at age 78 and drink yourself to death,” that’s ok. None of your kids are going to stop you. If you want to take some of the $3M you have in the bank and move into the condo or the house you own, one of my siblings and I can help you set up food delivery, etc. Only you can decide what your best life looks like.” He did not take me up on the offer to set him up in either the condo or the house.

I am perfectly fine with old people deciding they want to live in their own home and fall down and starve to death before someone finds them. They were living their best life on their terms. Sure, I think it is a horrible way to die. But I might think that is my best path when I’m over 75. Who knows??

I’m Team “Let them Decide”, but their decision isn’t going to be enabled by my martyrdom.

+1 I'm the PP triggering some posters by being compassionate toward my abusive parent. I'm with you, PP. I hope I go out like your dad. That's not what most people are describing, though.

You attacked several posters, name-called and insulted them. This is why we know you're mentally ill and why we have blackballed you. Not because you choose to martyr yourself.

I can't keep posting "LOL" but it actually makes me laugh. It's absurd that you and others interpret a plea for kindness and compassion as name-calling and insulting. Do you go to church? Do you spit at your minister after the sermon? Sheesh, really weird. I am not mentally ill because I have discovered the joy of compassion and kindness. The opposite actually.

Different poster and if you have so much kindness and compassion, go run circles around your nasty parent and be happy. Why are you here commenting? You don't have peace nor good advice to give. As someone else posted, you're just like your parent: trying to please the ones you think are superior and berating the ones you think are inferior. Online anonymously it's easy to do. Find your peace and happiness elsewhere. Most sane people find it difficult, and unpleasant, to deal with nasty elders, due to their former/current behavior. This is normal. To bow to them is not normal, it means you learned nothing and have no wisdom to pass on.

[Anonymous]

Your nucleus is your number ONE priority. If you have extra bandwidth to help them then do so if you are willing and able. You are going to have to find some coping mechanisms for the guilt you might feel for being focusing on yourself and your household first. Meditation and self care has been a great help to me.

[Anonymous]

I’m so confused - you are not legally obligated to help parents who won’t help themselves - how could you possibly be on the hook for elder abuse?

Anonymous wrote:I’m in this situation. He’s a jerk to me. Won’t let me hire anyone to help. I set boundaries, limit my time to only what’s necessary. But I have to be careful- last winter during a prolonged storm he was alone for 48 hrs. Fell and called emt. Days later, agency on agency protective services called me to investigate elder abuse! I was shocked, explained the unique circumstances, and it was fine - but now I’m acutely aware that I will be blamed if I don’t do the necessary things. Sucks. I can only work part time due to him.

[Anonymous]

Are they still paying their own bills or not?

Once they miss bill payments, you can petition the court for financial POA. Since you mentioned siblings, I’d recommend keeping them heavily involved and up to date with this process. Stay in constant contact about it.

I wouldn’t lift a finger for them until it gets to this.

It has nothing to do with greed. Legally, you have no authority over them now. Until you do, this is not worth thinking about.

Also, if your father is particularly combative, assisted living won’t want him, either. Your mother will probably have more luck handling him while she still can.

My father is like this. He is still living at home. He’s on meds to help regulate his moods and that helps. It’s obvious when he misses a dose. Sad but necessary.