Caring or supporting for an elderly parent with a rotten personality

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Abusive parents are usually still making choices. They aren't physically assaulting the mailman, or launching caustic diatribes against family members they respect. Sure, some are explosive against everyone, but often it is directed.

Think about that. They are vile only when it suits them.

PP with all that sanctimoniousness? Go do what you will do, and stew in your own sense of superiority. But you are bringing more ill into the world. You are the original crab in a bucket. Enjoy it.

You are nasty, mean spirited and f'd up.

Not PP, but it's amusing that the poster who advocates caring for uncaring elders has such a potty mouth. What a hypocrite
He or she has been trolling all over this thread, BTW. All the other posters are rational people who take a more measured approach in what they can give to difficult seniors.

Oh, she'll just go self-soothe in the corner by mulling over how virtuous she is. Insight was never going to be a problem there.

You can be as good to someone as you can be, but the only person saying that should be at the cost of literally everything to you is the person who is also fine with berating everyone else. Interesting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP,

I don't mean this in a nasty way at all, but you do realize you're enabling your parents' refusal to hire help, by going to their house and helping?

I understand you'd want to do that for parents you like and respect.

But I do not understand your motivation to do this after the screed you wrote. Were you raised to be very obedient and respect all elders despite their cantankerousness? That's very virtuous, but at some point your health, physical and mental, is going to deteriorate with the constant comings and goings, and you might regret not having put your foot down earlier, and forced them into hiring someone by refusing to do that work yourself.

I know it's a game of chicken, of course. They might suffer and fall and be in pain and risk their lives before they ever agree to hire someone. Or they might prefer to just die on the floor before letting a stranger into their home. Some people are like that. But considering the history you just described... that's a risk you might be willing to take.

Jesus Christ. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

You've posted several times on this thread, but you're convincing no one with your faux outrage. Adult children are under no moral obligation to help parents who were abusive and unpleasant. You reap what you sow.

Sure. You are who you are. There is no parallel plane where you get to be your best self, because you are around other people who are also their best selves. This is it. If you are willing to let your parent lie on the floor in pain or even die alone on the floor because they were abusive to you then THAT'S WHO YOU ARE. It's not because of your parents -- it's because of you yourself.

Being a good person is hard. There is no perfect environment for you to do it. Just this one, this flawed, f'd up world. Others may be abused AND help their parents because that's who THEY are.

Be who you want to be in this life. Do you want to be the person who was fine letting their parent die alone on the floor? Because "mommy and daddy"? Then that's who you are.

I was abused growing up -- physically, psychologically and emotionally. Brutal. I care for my parent now because that's who I am. My behavior is not dependent on them. I'm an adult now. It's my choice.

We're all perfectly fine with who we are, thank you. The one who isn't is you. You have no right to judge others just because you have continued to place yourself in the line of fire. It seems to me that you are VERY MUCH NOT FINE with continuing to help your abusive parents, and you are desperately trying to make yourself feel better by lashing out at people who have liberated themselves of these obligations. You want to be martyr, be my guest. We know we are decent human beings. We don't need to prove anything.

Maybe at some point you will realize that trying to hurt others because your parents hurt you isn't actually making you feel better about yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP,

I don't mean this in a nasty way at all, but you do realize you're enabling your parents' refusal to hire help, by going to their house and helping?

I understand you'd want to do that for parents you like and respect.

But I do not understand your motivation to do this after the screed you wrote. Were you raised to be very obedient and respect all elders despite their cantankerousness? That's very virtuous, but at some point your health, physical and mental, is going to deteriorate with the constant comings and goings, and you might regret not having put your foot down earlier, and forced them into hiring someone by refusing to do that work yourself.

I know it's a game of chicken, of course. They might suffer and fall and be in pain and risk their lives before they ever agree to hire someone. Or they might prefer to just die on the floor before letting a stranger into their home. Some people are like that. But considering the history you just described... that's a risk you might be willing to take.

Jesus Christ. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

You've posted several times on this thread, but you're convincing no one with your faux outrage. Adult children are under no moral obligation to help parents who were abusive and unpleasant. You reap what you sow.

Sure. You are who you are. There is no parallel plane where you get to be your best self, because you are around other people who are also their best selves. This is it. If you are willing to let your parent lie on the floor in pain or even die alone on the floor because they were abusive to you then THAT'S WHO YOU ARE. It's not because of your parents -- it's because of you yourself.

Being a good person is hard. There is no perfect environment for you to do it. Just this one, this flawed, f'd up world. Others may be abused AND help their parents because that's who THEY are.

Be who you want to be in this life. Do you want to be the person who was fine letting their parent die alone on the floor? Because "mommy and daddy"? Then that's who you are.

I was abused growing up -- physically, psychologically and emotionally. Brutal. I care for my parent now because that's who I am. My behavior is not dependent on them. I'm an adult now. It's my choice.

So you're a fearful, insecure person who has internalized her parents' belief that she is worth nothing except as a slave to her parents. That's how I'm reading you.

Sorry, I know you so badly want to be respected and admired for your strength of spirit and virtue, but all I can see is that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. You bow down to what you perceive to be superior strength, and in turn, you attack others you see as inferior. That's not true decency, PP. It's just repeating patterns of abuse.

I hope you don't have children, or if you do, that they are strong enough to break the cycle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m in this situation. He’s a jerk to me. Won’t let me hire anyone to help. I set boundaries, limit my time to only what’s necessary. But I have to be careful- last winter during a prolonged storm he was alone for 48 hrs. Fell and called emt. Days later, agency on agency protective services called me to investigate elder abuse! I was shocked, explained the unique circumstances, and it was fine - but now I’m acutely aware that I will be blamed if I don’t do the necessary things. Sucks. I can only work part time due to him.

As someone who has gone through the experience of an elder parent living alone and falling a lot, complete with EMT responding, I do not believe this. You as an adult are not responsible for another adult who chooses to live alone.

[Anonymous]

I have dealt with this.

You say all the things to them that need to be said, firmly, kindly, and directly. Then you let them as adults make decisions. You offer to help where you are willing and able and follow through if they are receptive. As an example, if you are willing and able to coordinate hiring a housekeeper and they say yes, you do it. If they refuse, you don't do it.

Then you go home to your life and your family and carry on and you wait for the crisis points to happen. They fall. It's always falling. They go to the hospital. If you are able, you go help.

That's all you can do. Don't let it consume you. Try to be present with your own kids and in your own life as much as you can.

It's a good idea to hire a nurse case manager. They will check in on your parents and can offer referrals when various services and levels of care are needed. They will also interface with doctors and the hospital. Your parent has to be willing to cooperate with them though. My dad had one and it was a big help. He liked her.

I found it helpful to talk to a therapist and get clear on my boundaries and how to approach the whole thing. If you let in too much noise from outsiders, like the PP going on about how if you are a kind person you'll do XYZ, you'll make yourself crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP,

I don't mean this in a nasty way at all, but you do realize you're enabling your parents' refusal to hire help, by going to their house and helping?

I understand you'd want to do that for parents you like and respect.

But I do not understand your motivation to do this after the screed you wrote. Were you raised to be very obedient and respect all elders despite their cantankerousness? That's very virtuous, but at some point your health, physical and mental, is going to deteriorate with the constant comings and goings, and you might regret not having put your foot down earlier, and forced them into hiring someone by refusing to do that work yourself.

I know it's a game of chicken, of course. They might suffer and fall and be in pain and risk their lives before they ever agree to hire someone. Or they might prefer to just die on the floor before letting a stranger into their home. Some people are like that. But considering the history you just described... that's a risk you might be willing to take.

Jesus Christ. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

You've posted several times on this thread, but you're convincing no one with your faux outrage. Adult children are under no moral obligation to help parents who were abusive and unpleasant. You reap what you sow.

Sure. You are who you are. There is no parallel plane where you get to be your best self, because you are around other people who are also their best selves. This is it. If you are willing to let your parent lie on the floor in pain or even die alone on the floor because they were abusive to you then THAT'S WHO YOU ARE. It's not because of your parents -- it's because of you yourself.

Being a good person is hard. There is no perfect environment for you to do it. Just this one, this flawed, f'd up world. Others may be abused AND help their parents because that's who THEY are.

Be who you want to be in this life. Do you want to be the person who was fine letting their parent die alone on the floor? Because "mommy and daddy"? Then that's who you are.

I was abused growing up -- physically, psychologically and emotionally. Brutal. I care for my parent now because that's who I am. My behavior is not dependent on them. I'm an adult now. It's my choice.

I can tell you really believe this. You're painting a very black and white picture in which it's pretty notable you are casting yourself as heroic and morally superior. There are options between letting the parent die alone on the floor and you, the formerly abused child, directly caring for your parent. You must know that though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP,

I don't mean this in a nasty way at all, but you do realize you're enabling your parents' refusal to hire help, by going to their house and helping?

I understand you'd want to do that for parents you like and respect.

But I do not understand your motivation to do this after the screed you wrote. Were you raised to be very obedient and respect all elders despite their cantankerousness? That's very virtuous, but at some point your health, physical and mental, is going to deteriorate with the constant comings and goings, and you might regret not having put your foot down earlier, and forced them into hiring someone by refusing to do that work yourself.

I know it's a game of chicken, of course. They might suffer and fall and be in pain and risk their lives before they ever agree to hire someone. Or they might prefer to just die on the floor before letting a stranger into their home. Some people are like that. But considering the history you just described... that's a risk you might be willing to take.

Jesus Christ. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

You've posted several times on this thread, but you're convincing no one with your faux outrage. Adult children are under no moral obligation to help parents who were abusive and unpleasant. You reap what you sow.

Sure. You are who you are. There is no parallel plane where you get to be your best self, because you are around other people who are also their best selves. This is it. If you are willing to let your parent lie on the floor in pain or even die alone on the floor because they were abusive to you then THAT'S WHO YOU ARE. It's not because of your parents -- it's because of you yourself.

Being a good person is hard. There is no perfect environment for you to do it. Just this one, this flawed, f'd up world. Others may be abused AND help their parents because that's who THEY are.

Be who you want to be in this life. Do you want to be the person who was fine letting their parent die alone on the floor? Because "mommy and daddy"? Then that's who you are.

I was abused growing up -- physically, psychologically and emotionally. Brutal. I care for my parent now because that's who I am. My behavior is not dependent on them. I'm an adult now. It's my choice.

I can tell you really believe this. You're painting a very black and white picture in which it's pretty notable you are casting yourself as heroic and morally superior. There are options between letting the parent die alone on the floor and you, the formerly abused child, directly caring for your parent. You must know that though.

But nothing about those options is as satisfying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m in this situation. He’s a jerk to me. Won’t let me hire anyone to help. I set boundaries, limit my time to only what’s necessary. But I have to be careful- last winter during a prolonged storm he was alone for 48 hrs. Fell and called emt. Days later, agency on agency protective services called me to investigate elder abuse! I was shocked, explained the unique circumstances, and it was fine - but now I’m acutely aware that I will be blamed if I don’t do the necessary things. Sucks. I can only work part time due to him.

As someone who has gone through the experience of an elder parent living alone and falling a lot, complete with EMT responding, I do not believe this. You as an adult are not responsible for another adult who chooses to live alone.

Guess what? It happened, and so apparently I am. Of course, I don’t know what the next step would be if I had actually neglected parent in some way, but they weren’t shy about calling and opening a file. Parent isn’t labeled incompetent, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP,

I don't mean this in a nasty way at all, but you do realize you're enabling your parents' refusal to hire help, by going to their house and helping?

I understand you'd want to do that for parents you like and respect.

But I do not understand your motivation to do this after the screed you wrote. Were you raised to be very obedient and respect all elders despite their cantankerousness? That's very virtuous, but at some point your health, physical and mental, is going to deteriorate with the constant comings and goings, and you might regret not having put your foot down earlier, and forced them into hiring someone by refusing to do that work yourself.

I know it's a game of chicken, of course. They might suffer and fall and be in pain and risk their lives before they ever agree to hire someone. Or they might prefer to just die on the floor before letting a stranger into their home. Some people are like that. But considering the history you just described... that's a risk you might be willing to take.

Jesus Christ. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

You've posted several times on this thread, but you're convincing no one with your faux outrage. Adult children are under no moral obligation to help parents who were abusive and unpleasant. You reap what you sow.

Sure. You are who you are. There is no parallel plane where you get to be your best self, because you are around other people who are also their best selves. This is it. If you are willing to let your parent lie on the floor in pain or even die alone on the floor because they were abusive to you then THAT'S WHO YOU ARE. It's not because of your parents -- it's because of you yourself.

Being a good person is hard. There is no perfect environment for you to do it. Just this one, this flawed, f'd up world. Others may be abused AND help their parents because that's who THEY are.

Be who you want to be in this life. Do you want to be the person who was fine letting their parent die alone on the floor? Because "mommy and daddy"? Then that's who you are.

I was abused growing up -- physically, psychologically and emotionally. Brutal. I care for my parent now because that's who I am. My behavior is not dependent on them. I'm an adult now. It's my choice.

I can tell you really believe this. You're painting a very black and white picture in which it's pretty notable you are casting yourself as heroic and morally superior. There are options between letting the parent die alone on the floor and you, the formerly abused child, directly caring for your parent. You must know that though.

I was responding direclty to posters claiming that if their parents were in pain on the floor for hours or even died on the floor alone, they would be fine with it. If it bothers you this much that I am being compassionate towards someone who was nasty to me, then you should ask yourself why you continue to pretend you don't care when clearly you do. Being toxic toward a parent is not "breaking the cycle." It's thrashing around in the poison waters. There IS a way out. There IS a better way. Compassion IS real. You can experience it, too. If you try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP,

I don't mean this in a nasty way at all, but you do realize you're enabling your parents' refusal to hire help, by going to their house and helping?

I understand you'd want to do that for parents you like and respect.

But I do not understand your motivation to do this after the screed you wrote. Were you raised to be very obedient and respect all elders despite their cantankerousness? That's very virtuous, but at some point your health, physical and mental, is going to deteriorate with the constant comings and goings, and you might regret not having put your foot down earlier, and forced them into hiring someone by refusing to do that work yourself.

I know it's a game of chicken, of course. They might suffer and fall and be in pain and risk their lives before they ever agree to hire someone. Or they might prefer to just die on the floor before letting a stranger into their home. Some people are like that. But considering the history you just described... that's a risk you might be willing to take.

Jesus Christ. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

You've posted several times on this thread, but you're convincing no one with your faux outrage. Adult children are under no moral obligation to help parents who were abusive and unpleasant. You reap what you sow.

Sure. You are who you are. There is no parallel plane where you get to be your best self, because you are around other people who are also their best selves. This is it. If you are willing to let your parent lie on the floor in pain or even die alone on the floor because they were abusive to you then THAT'S WHO YOU ARE. It's not because of your parents -- it's because of you yourself.

Being a good person is hard. There is no perfect environment for you to do it. Just this one, this flawed, f'd up world. Others may be abused AND help their parents because that's who THEY are.

Be who you want to be in this life. Do you want to be the person who was fine letting their parent die alone on the floor? Because "mommy and daddy"? Then that's who you are.

I was abused growing up -- physically, psychologically and emotionally. Brutal. I care for my parent now because that's who I am. My behavior is not dependent on them. I'm an adult now. It's my choice.

I can tell you really believe this. You're painting a very black and white picture in which it's pretty notable you are casting yourself as heroic and morally superior. There are options between letting the parent die alone on the floor and you, the formerly abused child, directly caring for your parent. You must know that though.

I was responding direclty to posters claiming that if their parents were in pain on the floor for hours or even died on the floor alone, they would be fine with it. If it bothers you this much that I am being compassionate towards someone who was nasty to me, then you should ask yourself why you continue to pretend you don't care when clearly you do. Being toxic toward a parent is not "breaking the cycle." It's thrashing around in the poison waters. There IS a way out. There IS a better way. Compassion IS real. You can experience it, too. If you try.

Shame you are unable to practice that compassion unless you are in an abusive relationship with that person. Sounds more like co-dependence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP,

I don't mean this in a nasty way at all, but you do realize you're enabling your parents' refusal to hire help, by going to their house and helping?

I understand you'd want to do that for parents you like and respect.

But I do not understand your motivation to do this after the screed you wrote. Were you raised to be very obedient and respect all elders despite their cantankerousness? That's very virtuous, but at some point your health, physical and mental, is going to deteriorate with the constant comings and goings, and you might regret not having put your foot down earlier, and forced them into hiring someone by refusing to do that work yourself.

I know it's a game of chicken, of course. They might suffer and fall and be in pain and risk their lives before they ever agree to hire someone. Or they might prefer to just die on the floor before letting a stranger into their home. Some people are like that. But considering the history you just described... that's a risk you might be willing to take.

Jesus Christ. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

You've posted several times on this thread, but you're convincing no one with your faux outrage. Adult children are under no moral obligation to help parents who were abusive and unpleasant. You reap what you sow.

Sure. You are who you are. There is no parallel plane where you get to be your best self, because you are around other people who are also their best selves. This is it. If you are willing to let your parent lie on the floor in pain or even die alone on the floor because they were abusive to you then THAT'S WHO YOU ARE. It's not because of your parents -- it's because of you yourself.

Being a good person is hard. There is no perfect environment for you to do it. Just this one, this flawed, f'd up world. Others may be abused AND help their parents because that's who THEY are.

Be who you want to be in this life. Do you want to be the person who was fine letting their parent die alone on the floor? Because "mommy and daddy"? Then that's who you are.

I was abused growing up -- physically, psychologically and emotionally. Brutal. I care for my parent now because that's who I am. My behavior is not dependent on them. I'm an adult now. It's my choice.

I can tell you really believe this. You're painting a very black and white picture in which it's pretty notable you are casting yourself as heroic and morally superior. There are options between letting the parent die alone on the floor and you, the formerly abused child, directly caring for your parent. You must know that though.

I was responding direclty to posters claiming that if their parents were in pain on the floor for hours or even died on the floor alone, they would be fine with it. If it bothers you this much that I am being compassionate towards someone who was nasty to me, then you should ask yourself why you continue to pretend you don't care when clearly you do. Being toxic toward a parent is not "breaking the cycle." It's thrashing around in the poison waters. There IS a way out. There IS a better way. Compassion IS real. You can experience it, too. If you try.

I’m compassionate even though I have no intention of spending much time helping my dad. In general, my compassion lies with letting old people decide how they want to both live and die.

I told my dad very recently when he was hospitalized “hey, if your best life is to go back and live by yourself on a sailboat at age 78 and drink yourself to death,” that’s ok. None of your kids are going to stop you. If you want to take some of the $3M you have in the bank and move into the condo or the house you own, one of my siblings and I can help you set up food delivery, etc. Only you can decide what your best life looks like.” He did not take me up on the offer to set him up in either the condo or the house.

I am perfectly fine with old people deciding they want to live in their own home and fall down and starve to death before someone finds them. They were living their best life on their terms. Sure, I think it is a horrible way to die. But I might think that is my best path when I’m over 75. Who knows??

I’m Team “Let them Decide”, but their decision isn’t going to be enabled by my martyrdom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP,

I don't mean this in a nasty way at all, but you do realize you're enabling your parents' refusal to hire help, by going to their house and helping?

I understand you'd want to do that for parents you like and respect.

But I do not understand your motivation to do this after the screed you wrote. Were you raised to be very obedient and respect all elders despite their cantankerousness? That's very virtuous, but at some point your health, physical and mental, is going to deteriorate with the constant comings and goings, and you might regret not having put your foot down earlier, and forced them into hiring someone by refusing to do that work yourself.

I know it's a game of chicken, of course. They might suffer and fall and be in pain and risk their lives before they ever agree to hire someone. Or they might prefer to just die on the floor before letting a stranger into their home. Some people are like that. But considering the history you just described... that's a risk you might be willing to take.

Jesus Christ. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

You've posted several times on this thread, but you're convincing no one with your faux outrage. Adult children are under no moral obligation to help parents who were abusive and unpleasant. You reap what you sow.

Sure. You are who you are. There is no parallel plane where you get to be your best self, because you are around other people who are also their best selves. This is it. If you are willing to let your parent lie on the floor in pain or even die alone on the floor because they were abusive to you then THAT'S WHO YOU ARE. It's not because of your parents -- it's because of you yourself.

Being a good person is hard. There is no perfect environment for you to do it. Just this one, this flawed, f'd up world. Others may be abused AND help their parents because that's who THEY are.

Be who you want to be in this life. Do you want to be the person who was fine letting their parent die alone on the floor? Because "mommy and daddy"? Then that's who you are.

I was abused growing up -- physically, psychologically and emotionally. Brutal. I care for my parent now because that's who I am. My behavior is not dependent on them. I'm an adult now. It's my choice.

I can tell you really believe this. You're painting a very black and white picture in which it's pretty notable you are casting yourself as heroic and morally superior. There are options between letting the parent die alone on the floor and you, the formerly abused child, directly caring for your parent. You must know that though.

I was responding direclty to posters claiming that if their parents were in pain on the floor for hours or even died on the floor alone, they would be fine with it. If it bothers you this much that I am being compassionate towards someone who was nasty to me, then you should ask yourself why you continue to pretend you don't care when clearly you do. Being toxic toward a parent is not "breaking the cycle." It's thrashing around in the poison waters. There IS a way out. There IS a better way. Compassion IS real. You can experience it, too. If you try.

I’m compassionate even though I have no intention of spending much time helping my dad. In general, my compassion lies with letting old people decide how they want to both live and die.

I told my dad very recently when he was hospitalized “hey, if your best life is to go back and live by yourself on a sailboat at age 78 and drink yourself to death,” that’s ok. None of your kids are going to stop you. If you want to take some of the $3M you have in the bank and move into the condo or the house you own, one of my siblings and I can help you set up food delivery, etc. Only you can decide what your best life looks like.” He did not take me up on the offer to set him up in either the condo or the house.

I am perfectly fine with old people deciding they want to live in their own home and fall down and starve to death before someone finds them. They were living their best life on their terms. Sure, I think it is a horrible way to die. But I might think that is my best path when I’m over 75. Who knows??

I’m Team “Let them Decide”, but their decision isn’t going to be enabled by my martyrdom.

+1 I'm the PP triggering some posters by being compassionate toward my abusive parent. I'm with you, PP. I hope I go out like your dad. That's not what most people are describing, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP,

I don't mean this in a nasty way at all, but you do realize you're enabling your parents' refusal to hire help, by going to their house and helping?

I understand you'd want to do that for parents you like and respect.

But I do not understand your motivation to do this after the screed you wrote. Were you raised to be very obedient and respect all elders despite their cantankerousness? That's very virtuous, but at some point your health, physical and mental, is going to deteriorate with the constant comings and goings, and you might regret not having put your foot down earlier, and forced them into hiring someone by refusing to do that work yourself.

I know it's a game of chicken, of course. They might suffer and fall and be in pain and risk their lives before they ever agree to hire someone. Or they might prefer to just die on the floor before letting a stranger into their home. Some people are like that. But considering the history you just described... that's a risk you might be willing to take.

Jesus Christ. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

You've posted several times on this thread, but you're convincing no one with your faux outrage. Adult children are under no moral obligation to help parents who were abusive and unpleasant. You reap what you sow.

Sure. You are who you are. There is no parallel plane where you get to be your best self, because you are around other people who are also their best selves. This is it. If you are willing to let your parent lie on the floor in pain or even die alone on the floor because they were abusive to you then THAT'S WHO YOU ARE. It's not because of your parents -- it's because of you yourself.

Being a good person is hard. There is no perfect environment for you to do it. Just this one, this flawed, f'd up world. Others may be abused AND help their parents because that's who THEY are.

Be who you want to be in this life. Do you want to be the person who was fine letting their parent die alone on the floor? Because "mommy and daddy"? Then that's who you are.

I was abused growing up -- physically, psychologically and emotionally. Brutal. I care for my parent now because that's who I am. My behavior is not dependent on them. I'm an adult now. It's my choice.

We're all perfectly fine with who we are, thank you. The one who isn't is you. You have no right to judge others just because you have continued to place yourself in the line of fire. It seems to me that you are VERY MUCH NOT FINE with continuing to help your abusive parents, and you are desperately trying to make yourself feel better by lashing out at people who have liberated themselves of these obligations. You want to be martyr, be my guest. We know we are decent human beings. We don't need to prove anything.

Maybe at some point you will realize that trying to hurt others because your parents hurt you isn't actually making you feel better about yourself.

LOL to the bolded.

You might want to ask yourself why me posting about being compassionate hurts you.

[Anonymous]

I simply wouldn't. When they inevitably fall, I would help facilitate putting them in a home. But I am not taking time away from my precious family to take care of abusive relatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP,

I don't mean this in a nasty way at all, but you do realize you're enabling your parents' refusal to hire help, by going to their house and helping?

I understand you'd want to do that for parents you like and respect.

But I do not understand your motivation to do this after the screed you wrote. Were you raised to be very obedient and respect all elders despite their cantankerousness? That's very virtuous, but at some point your health, physical and mental, is going to deteriorate with the constant comings and goings, and you might regret not having put your foot down earlier, and forced them into hiring someone by refusing to do that work yourself.

I know it's a game of chicken, of course. They might suffer and fall and be in pain and risk their lives before they ever agree to hire someone. Or they might prefer to just die on the floor before letting a stranger into their home. Some people are like that. But considering the history you just described... that's a risk you might be willing to take.

Jesus Christ. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

You've posted several times on this thread, but you're convincing no one with your faux outrage. Adult children are under no moral obligation to help parents who were abusive and unpleasant. You reap what you sow.

Sure. You are who you are. There is no parallel plane where you get to be your best self, because you are around other people who are also their best selves. This is it. If you are willing to let your parent lie on the floor in pain or even die alone on the floor because they were abusive to you then THAT'S WHO YOU ARE. It's not because of your parents -- it's because of you yourself.

Being a good person is hard. There is no perfect environment for you to do it. Just this one, this flawed, f'd up world. Others may be abused AND help their parents because that's who THEY are.

Be who you want to be in this life. Do you want to be the person who was fine letting their parent die alone on the floor? Because "mommy and daddy"? Then that's who you are.

I was abused growing up -- physically, psychologically and emotionally. Brutal. I care for my parent now because that's who I am. My behavior is not dependent on them. I'm an adult now. It's my choice.

We're all perfectly fine with who we are, thank you. The one who isn't is you. You have no right to judge others just because you have continued to place yourself in the line of fire. It seems to me that you are VERY MUCH NOT FINE with continuing to help your abusive parents, and you are desperately trying to make yourself feel better by lashing out at people who have liberated themselves of these obligations. You want to be martyr, be my guest. We know we are decent human beings. We don't need to prove anything.

Maybe at some point you will realize that trying to hurt others because your parents hurt you isn't actually making you feel better about yourself.

LOL to the bolded.

You might want to ask yourself why me posting about being compassionate hurts you.

Why are you only selectively compassionate?

You have lashed out directly at at least one poster here, and they have only posted words on a forum. Is it that "compassion" is only "noble" when you can portray yourself as a martyr, but not when you are called on it?

You were the triggered one.