Approaching husband for amicable divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you. I now have a goal. We have a rental home so I think separation may be the solution with one of us moving there.

Separation will still require a temporary custody agreement though. It’s not like you just get the right to have the kids 100% of the time.

[Anonymous]

I am the OP of the thread with the 59 y.o. STBXH. I am so sorry that you are going through this situation. I was in your shoes before STBXH moved out to his own place. Except that my STBXH was not nearly as physically threatening or angry as yours. While I was in that situation I didn't even realize how bad it was. Only after he moved out, and my home became a haven of bliss, serenity and happiness, did I realize how horrible it had been. Before we bought a place for him, he refused to move out. Then I should have moved out. It was a nightmare to live like that.

OP, your situation is BAD! Your girls are suffering. Do not do this to them and to yourself. You will damage your daughters for life. You are setting them up for a similar dynamic in their own marriage.

If you divorce he needs to get his own place anyway. He should move out now. Consult a lawyer to see if you could probably stay in the marital home post divorce. If not, sell the place and move out with the girls.

My STBXH and i are not divorced, therefore the custody issue has not come up. But in practice he sees our daughter only every second weekend, sometimes less often. As your daughters grow, the court would take their custody wishes in consideration.

Big hugs to you!

[Anonymous]

I do think you need a divorce but also would be worried about leaving the kids alone in his care if he has an anger problem.
Maybe you can tell him you understand and give him a hall pass for his affair (or a new affair), he can do what he wants, you won't complain about it. Your romantic relationship is over.
Maybe then he will be happier.

[Anonymous]

PP here. I am reading just now that you have a rental property. Perfect, he should move there! My STBXH is much happier, too, since we live separately.

One of the reasons why I didn't want to divorce so far is because I didn't want to set up a custody schedule, etc. While doing it quietly and unofficially, he will not realize that he spends so little time with the kids. Often men insist on shared custody out of pride, or to stick it to their wives, but have no desire to be a full-time parent 50% of the time, even if they claim otherwise.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do think you need a divorce but also would be worried about leaving the kids alone in his care if he has an anger problem.
Maybe you can tell him you understand and give him a hall pass for his affair (or a new affair), he can do what he wants, you won't complain about it. Your romantic relationship is over.
Maybe then he will be happier.

This is an awful, awful idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here. I am reading just now that you have a rental property. Perfect, he should move there! My STBXH is much happier, too, since we live separately.

One of the reasons why I didn't want to divorce so far is because I didn't want to set up a custody schedule, etc. While doing it quietly and unofficially, he will not realize that he spends so little time with the kids. Often men insist on shared custody out of pride, or to stick it to their wives, but have no desire to be a full-time parent 50% of the time, even if they claim otherwise.

Good luck!

This is a strategy worth trying. But to be clear - it’s not within your control. he can file for a temporary custody order if he wants to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP of the thread with the 59 y.o. STBXH. I am so sorry that you are going through this situation. I was in your shoes before STBXH moved out to his own place. Except that my STBXH was not nearly as physically threatening or angry as yours. While I was in that situation I didn't even realize how bad it was. Only after he moved out, and my home became a haven of bliss, serenity and happiness, did I realize how horrible it had been. Before we bought a place for him, he refused to move out. Then I should have moved out. It was a nightmare to live like that.

OP, your situation is BAD! Your girls are suffering. Do not do this to them and to yourself. You will damage your daughters for life. You are setting them up for a similar dynamic in their own marriage.

If you divorce he needs to get his own place anyway. He should move out now. Consult a lawyer to see if you could probably stay in the marital home post divorce. If not, sell the place and move out with the girls.

My STBXH and i are not divorced, therefore the custody issue has not come up. But in practice he sees our daughter only every second weekend, sometimes less often. As your daughters grow, the court would take their custody wishes in consideration.

Big hugs to you!

Np. There is nothing that indicates dh is truly abusive and from the words here, I suspect any court professionals involved if a divorce escalates may find that op is alienating her daughters and trying to get them to align with her. And punish her for it by stripping custody. Anyone who doesn’t think this happens is incredibly naive.

Op what you describe is unfortunately fairly standard unhappy marriage dynamics that happen to many couples. Divorcing will likely make it harder on your kids, not easier. Studies show thus again and again. Marriage is a marathon. Try to see what you can do to make things respectful most of the time. Make it to college for the kids and then reassess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’ve been married forever and in recent years have taken to largely living separately in our two houses. We can get along just fine when the kids and grandkids are around, which is often, and every one of the adults involved knows and understands the situation. We have similar philosophies about money (and are 1000 percent wide open with each other about spending) and family and our lives are too intertwined and not worth exploding through a divorce. No romantic love is left but still a lot of mutual respect.

In other words, at least in our experience there is another way.

Kinda sounds like the respect is lacking in OP's situation...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here. I am reading just now that you have a rental property. Perfect, he should move there! My STBXH is much happier, too, since we live separately.

One of the reasons why I didn't want to divorce so far is because I didn't want to set up a custody schedule, etc. While doing it quietly and unofficially, he will not realize that he spends so little time with the kids. Often men insist on shared custody out of pride, or to stick it to their wives, but have no desire to be a full-time parent 50% of the time, even if they claim otherwise.

Good luck!

Men ask for 50 time bc it typically reduces or even negates child support depending on the state (google your jurisdiction, its usually a formula). And he will likely get it unless he is shown to be severally abusive or neglectful (and what Op describes is not even close in the eyes of court professionals). Often even if men are truly abusive, they get a step up therapy plan to 50 time.

Op. Stay married and deal

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks and this is pretty much why woman in these awful relationships stay. I did see a lawyer and she said nothing is guarunteed and to assume I will have to share custody.

I can’t leave them with someone who can easily blow up for the must simple reason-even if it’s something one is not responsible for.

So it looks like I am stuck for the next 9 years, unless someone out there has some miracle solution. For now, we continue to keep busy and away from him, minimize doing things as a family and the 3 of us “run errands” all weekend to minimize our interactions with him. It’s getting beyond exhausting and certainly not healthy for our daughters.

His anger might go away once you are officially separated. He probably feels trapped now and is lashing out (not justifying his behavior, just pointing out a reason). See a lawyer(s) and prepare, then approach him.

This is what happened with my dad. His anger vanished after the divorce. It’s not a guarantee though.

Have you asked him for joint therapy? You should also do therapy because you might be engaging in patterns that make things worse. We all like to think we’re innocent, but it’s simply not true or helpful to think that way.

[Anonymous]

Following as this seems to foreshadow my current situation. Sending positivity your way. It sucks

[Anonymous]

When you suggest the separation or divorce to him, probably don't let on that you are wanting to have the kids more. He may try to get more custody than he actually wants out of spite. Talk to an attorney and get everything lined up. Ask what you need to do to get more than 50-50. With him, stay calm and keep the talk limited to the two of you not getting along and thinking you will be happier apart. The more you let on that the kids are the best leverage he has, the more he will fight to use the custody battle to make your life hell.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to get out for your kids' sake. Set up some consults. Suggest moving into the rental. Dinners with the kids. See how he approaches it. When your youngest is 12, she may have more of a voice with custody. I am in a similar situation. It's not easy, but it is so much better than walking on eggshells. There is peace in my house and the kids are happier.

[Anonymous]

When your kids are old enough to have a cell phone to call you, it’ll be a different situation. And your DH won’t be able to force them to go to his house when they are teens - no matter what the court says. I saw this play out with two friends of mine - the kids refused to go.

[Anonymous]

When your kid is begging you not to live with him…50% is better than 100%, and he might be in better spirits if he’s free to pursue whatever with whomever. The kids will have peace and safety 50% of the time , and they will be able to count on that.