Approaching husband for amicable divorce

[Anonymous]

We have been married for nearly 20 years and have 9 years left before the youngest leaves for college.

We tolerate each other and there are moments of happiness but I see the seething anger he has for me.

It’s gotten worse since I discovered him having an emotional affair with a colleague, including long lunches full of alcohol and constant communication. He also stopped wearing his wedding ring, removed all pictures of me in his office, only leaving one with him with our kids.

When I found out and told him to end it, he was furious with me and looked at me with rage for weeks.

It’s been two years since and I still see glimpses of his rage pop up. He’ll go off on some random thing I supposedly did, and a few times, while going off in a rage he will throw things in anger at my pillow where I sleep. It’s honestly a bit scary.

He has also had anger outbursts towards the girls when “helping them” with homework, if they don’t understand and other random reasons. They beg me to not have him help them with homework. I want to leave him but don’t want to have them stay alone with him overnight, since standard practice is 50/50. My oldest, in tears, once told me, “I don’t want to live with him anymore, Mommy,” after he got in her face nose to nose about a typical sibling fight she had with her sister. I stormed in and got in between them, yelled at him, but damage was done. He’s 6ft, 235 lbs, she was 10.

Thinking to have an honest conversation that it’s clear we aren’t in love anymore and I’m sure he wants his freedom. Happy to give it, so as long as the girls live with me 100% and he visits all he wants and still has 50% legal custody.

Has anyone asked for a divorce and somehow managed to convince the husband to give 100% physical custody to the Mom?

[Anonymous]

There is no way that a guy with seething rage will have an amicable divorce.

I've seen divorce bring out bad feelings in even the kindest of people, it certainly will bring them out in a guy with rage. Also, I highly doubt you will get 100% custody.

That doesn't mean not to divorce him...it definitely seems like you should. Just don't go into it expecting roses.

[Anonymous]

Thanks and this is pretty much why woman in these awful relationships stay. I did see a lawyer and she said nothing is guarunteed and to assume I will have to share custody.

I can’t leave them with someone who can easily blow up for the must simple reason-even if it’s something one is not responsible for.

So it looks like I am stuck for the next 9 years, unless someone out there has some miracle solution. For now, we continue to keep busy and away from him, minimize doing things as a family and the 3 of us “run errands” all weekend to minimize our interactions with him. It’s getting beyond exhausting and certainly not healthy for our daughters.

[Anonymous]

Just separate and live in different homes. dont divorce

[Anonymous]

Divorce. He's already checked out

Maybe suggest parental classes during or as part of the divorce.

Making excuses to stay for another nine years isn't ideal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no way that a guy with seething rage will have an amicable divorce.

I've seen divorce bring out bad feelings in even the kindest of people, it certainly will bring them out in a guy with rage. Also, I highly doubt you will get 100% custody.

That doesn't mean not to divorce him...it definitely seems like you should. Just don't go into it expecting roses.

If his rage is because he can't bang the one he really wants to be banging whenever and wherever he feels like it, he may be very excited to have amicable divorce.

[Anonymous]

We’ve been married forever and in recent years have taken to largely living separately in our two houses. We can get along just fine when the kids and grandkids are around, which is often, and every one of the adults involved knows and understands the situation. We have similar philosophies about money (and are 1000 percent wide open with each other about spending) and family and our lives are too intertwined and not worth exploding through a divorce. No romantic love is left but still a lot of mutual respect.

In other words, at least in our experience there is another way.

[Anonymous]

Look, I think a lot of women tend to exaggerate the lack of safety of their kids with their DH and have a catastrophic view that joint custody would be horrific. You have not described anything that makes him sound abusive, just periodically unpleasant. Which your kids have to deal with whether or not you live together. I’m not some kind of MRA but have been through it myself.

You have described multiple very good reasons to divorce but you need to get your head out of the sand and accept the kids will stay with him sometimes and it may not be ideal but it will be OK.

Depending on what kind of person he is, it is possible that he would voluntarily agree to a less than 50% custody schedule - like 2-3 nights a week that you ramp up to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks and this is pretty much why woman in these awful relationships stay. I did see a lawyer and she said nothing is guarunteed and to assume I will have to share custody.

I can’t leave them with someone who can easily blow up for the must simple reason-even if it’s something one is not responsible for.

So it looks like I am stuck for the next 9 years, unless someone out there has some miracle solution. For now, we continue to keep busy and away from him, minimize doing things as a family and the 3 of us “run errands” all weekend to minimize our interactions with him. It’s getting beyond exhausting and certainly not healthy for our daughters.

His anger might go away once you are officially separated. He probably feels trapped now and is lashing out (not justifying his behavior, just pointing out a reason). See a lawyer(s) and prepare, then approach him.

[Anonymous]

You're in an abusive relationship. Please leave. Kids will be fine. Dads anger might subside if he is happy. Not all splits have to be 50-50 so you might get more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks and this is pretty much why woman in these awful relationships stay. I did see a lawyer and she said nothing is guarunteed and to assume I will have to share custody.

I can’t leave them with someone who can easily blow up for the must simple reason-even if it’s something one is not responsible for.

So it looks like I am stuck for the next 9 years, unless someone out there has some miracle solution. For now, we continue to keep busy and away from him, minimize doing things as a family and the 3 of us “run errands” all weekend to minimize our interactions with him. It’s getting beyond exhausting and certainly not healthy for our daughters.

His anger might go away once you are officially separated. He probably feels trapped now and is lashing out (not justifying his behavior, just pointing out a reason). See a lawyer(s) and prepare, then approach him.

+1 Agree. He wants out. Zero need for a long winded convo on the obvious.

[Anonymous]

My ex and I both had some anger issues that disappeared almost completely lost divorce. Sometimes people really struggle to communicate. Having hard conversations constructively is a skill that some people can learn.

This reminds me of another thread about one parent underlining the other. That kind of thing can make people really angry, especially if they don't talk it out and reach a consensus.

[Anonymous]

You could put in your parenting plan that he needs to go to therapy and/or take parenting classes, anger management classes, abuser programs (if applicable). I feel so bad for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Thank you. I now have a goal. We have a rental home so I think separation may be the solution with one of us moving there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You could put in your parenting plan that he needs to go to therapy and/or take parenting classes, anger management classes, abuser programs (if applicable). I feel so bad for your kids.

In my experience it’s not a good idea to try to use a parenting plan to force a person to go to therapy. Forced therapy doesn’t really work so it’s effectively just you trying to use it to gain leverage in a custody negotiation, which will create even more loss of trust.

A better approach might be to ask for joint parenting classes that both parents agree to take, either together or separately.