Approaching husband for amicable divorce

[Anonymous]

Waive child support and alimony for full custody/no contact, you get the rental, as it sounds more affordable, he gets the house. 50-50 on any assets, retirement, savings and he pays you the difference in the main house vs. the rental. Later down the road, remarry and have him adopt the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Waive child support and alimony for full custody/no contact, you get the rental, as it sounds more affordable, he gets the house. 50-50 on any assets, retirement, savings and he pays you the difference in the main house vs. the rental. Later down the road, remarry and have him adopt the kids.

So swap dads for the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP of the thread with the 59 y.o. STBXH. I am so sorry that you are going through this situation. I was in your shoes before STBXH moved out to his own place. Except that my STBXH was not nearly as physically threatening or angry as yours. While I was in that situation I didn't even realize how bad it was. Only after he moved out, and my home became a haven of bliss, serenity and happiness, did I realize how horrible it had been. Before we bought a place for him, he refused to move out. Then I should have moved out. It was a nightmare to live like that.

OP, your situation is BAD! Your girls are suffering. Do not do this to them and to yourself. You will damage your daughters for life. You are setting them up for a similar dynamic in their own marriage.

If you divorce he needs to get his own place anyway. He should move out now. Consult a lawyer to see if you could probably stay in the marital home post divorce. If not, sell the place and move out with the girls.

My STBXH and i are not divorced, therefore the custody issue has not come up. But in practice he sees our daughter only every second weekend, sometimes less often. As your daughters grow, the court would take their custody wishes in consideration.

Big hugs to you!

He will not move out. We both work but he brings in way more. When I proposed divorce a while back, he threatened to have me leave because he pays the mortgage.

I'm the PP you quoted. Then you move to the rental property with the girls, even if it is smaller and farther from school. Peace is the most important consideration. Your situation is untenable.

+1. Find an attorney that understands your situation/specializes in abusive marriages. Create a plan with your attorney based on the laws of your state.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op do not take marital advice on here. Most of it is garbage. Most people on here think people should divorce asap for almost everything. It’s not realistic. It sounds like your marriage is not great, but divorce is not a magic fix and it often raises many other issues, especially when the kids are young. Wait until they’re older.

Yes much better to raise kids in an abusive home and model that relationship behavior. Great plan! The way you write makes it seem likely your spouse divorced you because of your abuse and you're still telling yourself it wasn't that bad.

Huh? What a leap.
What OP describes is not abusive as much as her dh just sounds like a jerk. And no court will view him as abusive. He will get 1/2 custody and likely be as difficult as possible. Her kids are young and it is far better for them to be with her full time. I have btdt and I also practice family law so I’m pretty sure I know what I’m saying here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Waive child support and alimony for full custody/no contact, you get the rental, as it sounds more affordable, he gets the house. 50-50 on any assets, retirement, savings and he pays you the difference in the main house vs. the rental. Later down the road, remarry and have him adopt the kids.

Pp legally you are not technically allowed to waive CS, at least openly, as the law views it as your children’s, but you can certainly come to a private settlement that is easy on him for peace.

He will not waive contact, and asking for that is absurd and will back fire. It won’t happen. But op, you can ask for legal custody (or final decision making with consultation to him) and primary physical custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just separate and live in different homes. dont divorce

This is why the government involvement with marriage is a disaster

I’m PP and the lawyer and I completely agree with this. Divorces too often go sideways and cause further harm when courts and lawyers get involved. People on here throw out dumb suggestions like ‘oh your dh is abusive, you can tell the court that and they’ll give you full custody!’ when they have no idea how these things work irl. I think she should try to make peace and live mostly separately but put off divorce until her kids are older. Yes, it’s not ideal but divorce is not a magic fix

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, I think a lot of women tend to exaggerate the lack of safety of their kids with their DH and have a catastrophic view that joint custody would be horrific. You have not described anything that makes him sound abusive, just periodically unpleasant. Which your kids have to deal with whether or not you live together. I’m not some kind of MRA but have been through it myself.

You have described multiple very good reasons to divorce but you need to get your head out of the sand and accept the kids will stay with him sometimes and it may not be ideal but it will be OK.

Depending on what kind of person he is, it is possible that he would voluntarily agree to a less than 50% custody schedule - like 2-3 nights a week that you ramp up to.

No. I was the OPs kid in this exact scenario. When they divorced, my mother got 100% custody and father visitation and life was so much better for us kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would consult a lawyer before speaking to him about this. Pay for it in cash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, I think a lot of women tend to exaggerate the lack of safety of their kids with their DH and have a catastrophic view that joint custody would be horrific. You have not described anything that makes him sound abusive, just periodically unpleasant. Which your kids have to deal with whether or not you live together. I’m not some kind of MRA but have been through it myself.

You have described multiple very good reasons to divorce but you need to get your head out of the sand and accept the kids will stay with him sometimes and it may not be ideal but it will be OK.

Depending on what kind of person he is, it is possible that he would voluntarily agree to a less than 50% custody schedule - like 2-3 nights a week that you ramp up to.

No. I was the OPs kid in this exact scenario. When they divorced, my mother got 100% custody and father visitation and life was so much better for us kids.

I’m the lawyer above. Times have changed. The presumption in most states is joint custody, a number even specifically specify 50 /50 time. Personally I believe the old way was mostly better - eg the primary caretaker before the divorce should remain the primary caretaker afterwards. But that’s not the law these days

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would consult a lawyer before speaking to him about this. Pay for it in cash.

She already has. And fwiw lawyers like clients with cases

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, I think a lot of women tend to exaggerate the lack of safety of their kids with their DH and have a catastrophic view that joint custody would be horrific. You have not described anything that makes him sound abusive, just periodically unpleasant. Which your kids have to deal with whether or not you live together. I’m not some kind of MRA but have been through it myself.

You have described multiple very good reasons to divorce but you need to get your head out of the sand and accept the kids will stay with him sometimes and it may not be ideal but it will be OK.

Depending on what kind of person he is, it is possible that he would voluntarily agree to a less than 50% custody schedule - like 2-3 nights a week that you ramp up to.

No. I was the OPs kid in this exact scenario. When they divorced, my mother got 100% custody and father visitation and life was so much better for us kids.

I’m the lawyer above. Times have changed. The presumption in most states is joint custody, a number even specifically specify 50 /50 time. Personally I believe the old way was mostly better - eg the primary caretaker before the divorce should remain the primary caretaker afterwards. But that’s not the law these days

I am aware, my family has several family law attorneys (not in VA). OPs best course of action would be if she knows him well enough to get him to agree to give her full custody. In my state this is realistic and possible and my friend managed to do it last year by essentially agreeing to financial terms that were far more favorable to the other parent than they otherwise would have been. There are quite a few parents who change their tune about wanting 50/50 when the financial implications change.

However it is hard to tell how OPs spouse would respond. I think it’s worth broaching the subject because living with a parent like her DH is a horrible experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just separate and live in different homes. dont divorce

This is why the government involvement with marriage is a disaster

I’m PP and the lawyer and I completely agree with this. Divorces too often go sideways and cause further harm when courts and lawyers get involved. People on here throw out dumb suggestions like ‘oh your dh is abusive, you can tell the court that and they’ll give you full custody!’ when they have no idea how these things work irl. I think she should try to make peace and live mostly separately but put off divorce until her kids are older. Yes, it’s not ideal but divorce is not a magic fix

lol I am here to say that divorce IS a magic fix when the issue is that you have a terrible marriage. It literally is the fix. It doesn’t solve all your problems and causes some other issues but it definitely fixes a bad marriage.

[Anonymous]

This is no way to live. At the least separate living spaces. Nobody is happy in this situation including your kids. I speak as someone who wanted to stick it out for another 8 years. He filed. I moved out. The court process sucks, but living in a peaceful and safe home is worth it , for me and my kids.