Approaching husband for amicable divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When your kids are old enough to have a cell phone to call you, it’ll be a different situation. And your DH won’t be able to force them to go to his house when they are teens - no matter what the court says. I saw this play out with two friends of mine - the kids refused to go.

Can I ask how old were the teens? My kids are refusing right now, but we don't yet have an order. They will continue to refuse even with an order. I am scared I will have contempt charges against me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have been married for nearly 20 years and have 9 years left before the youngest leaves for college.

We tolerate each other and there are moments of happiness but I see the seething anger he has for me.

It’s gotten worse since I discovered him having an emotional affair with a colleague, including long lunches full of alcohol and constant communication. He also stopped wearing his wedding ring, removed all pictures of me in his office, only leaving one with him with our kids.

When I found out and told him to end it, he was furious with me and looked at me with rage for weeks.

It’s been two years since and I still see glimpses of his rage pop up. He’ll go off on some random thing I supposedly did, and a few times, while going off in a rage he will throw things in anger at my pillow where I sleep. It’s honestly a bit scary.

He has also had anger outbursts towards the girls when “helping them” with homework, if they don’t understand and other random reasons. They beg me to not have him help them with homework. I want to leave him but don’t want to have them stay alone with him overnight, since standard practice is 50/50. My oldest, in tears, once told me, “I don’t want to live with him anymore, Mommy,” after he got in her face nose to nose about a typical sibling fight she had with her sister. I stormed in and got in between them, yelled at him, but damage was done. He’s 6ft, 235 lbs, she was 10.

Thinking to have an honest conversation that it’s clear we aren’t in love anymore and I’m sure he wants his freedom. Happy to give it, so as long as the girls live with me 100% and he visits all he wants and still has 50% legal custody.

Has anyone asked for a divorce and somehow managed to convince the husband to give 100% physical custody to the Mom?

He sounds very abusive. Make that the theme of your divorce, which is your best chance of getting 100% physical custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have been married for nearly 20 years and have 9 years left before the youngest leaves for college.

We tolerate each other and there are moments of happiness but I see the seething anger he has for me.

It’s gotten worse since I discovered him having an emotional affair with a colleague, including long lunches full of alcohol and constant communication. He also stopped wearing his wedding ring, removed all pictures of me in his office, only leaving one with him with our kids.

When I found out and told him to end it, he was furious with me and looked at me with rage for weeks.

It’s been two years since and I still see glimpses of his rage pop up. He’ll go off on some random thing I supposedly did, and a few times, while going off in a rage he will throw things in anger at my pillow where I sleep. It’s honestly a bit scary.

He has also had anger outbursts towards the girls when “helping them” with homework, if they don’t understand and other random reasons. They beg me to not have him help them with homework. I want to leave him but don’t want to have them stay alone with him overnight, since standard practice is 50/50. My oldest, in tears, once told me, “I don’t want to live with him anymore, Mommy,” after he got in her face nose to nose about a typical sibling fight she had with her sister. I stormed in and got in between them, yelled at him, but damage was done. He’s 6ft, 235 lbs, she was 10.

Thinking to have an honest conversation that it’s clear we aren’t in love anymore and I’m sure he wants his freedom. Happy to give it, so as long as the girls live with me 100% and he visits all he wants and still has 50% legal custody.

Has anyone asked for a divorce and somehow managed to convince the husband to give 100% physical custody to the Mom?

He sounds very abusive. Make that the theme of your divorce, which is your best chance of getting 100% physical custody.

This is not good advice and would likely back fire. Nothing OP has said qualifies as abusive and if she tries to claim it is, it will be held against her in court.

People who don’t know what court is like should not be offering advice here.

[Anonymous]

Thanks all.

I’ll respond with bullets.

1. Yes, he can be verbally and emotionally abusive but not to the level that would have the courts decrease his percentage of custody (I have looked into this already). That is why I am desperately seeking other solutions.

2. I have looked internally, we have done couples counseling, and I have done individual therapy. I have modified my behavior to avoid making him angry, minimized conversations and also tried to engage romantically and encourage that he go out with friends. In the end, there is no rhyme or reason for his outbursts. He insults me or the girls, even when it’s something like a thunderstorm that is making us late for an event. It is unpredictable and uncontrollable.

3. He is aware. Has gone to anger management. He used to apologize to us too but has stopped doing that years ago. He just acts like nothing ever happened the next day. That is mentally damaging my girls. It confuses them so much.

4. I am torn. Staying sets a terrible example yet I would have oversight 100% of the time. Leaving, risks him going nuclear with me and result in them being alone with him 50% of the time. Think, the school year, when it’s his week, he would be “helping” with their homework for 5 days. The thought of how angry he gets, without me there to intervene, worries me so much.

5. Yes, he could be generally calmer with me gone. However, we don’t know for sure. He will be angry regardless because of us having to split assets and bring down our standard of living. Not sure the freedom he gets will offset the anger of me breaking up the family and splitting assets.

6. I appreciate the solidarity and words of encouragement. There are days that I am paralyzed over all this and feel like I can’t breathe. I am also isolated. Can’t share this with friends (aside from a couple). Hugs right back to anyone suffering through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP of the thread with the 59 y.o. STBXH. I am so sorry that you are going through this situation. I was in your shoes before STBXH moved out to his own place. Except that my STBXH was not nearly as physically threatening or angry as yours. While I was in that situation I didn't even realize how bad it was. Only after he moved out, and my home became a haven of bliss, serenity and happiness, did I realize how horrible it had been. Before we bought a place for him, he refused to move out. Then I should have moved out. It was a nightmare to live like that.

OP, your situation is BAD! Your girls are suffering. Do not do this to them and to yourself. You will damage your daughters for life. You are setting them up for a similar dynamic in their own marriage.

If you divorce he needs to get his own place anyway. He should move out now. Consult a lawyer to see if you could probably stay in the marital home post divorce. If not, sell the place and move out with the girls.

My STBXH and i are not divorced, therefore the custody issue has not come up. But in practice he sees our daughter only every second weekend, sometimes less often. As your daughters grow, the court would take their custody wishes in consideration.

Big hugs to you!

He will not move out. We both work but he brings in way more. When I proposed divorce a while back, he threatened to have me leave because he pays the mortgage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP of the thread with the 59 y.o. STBXH. I am so sorry that you are going through this situation. I was in your shoes before STBXH moved out to his own place. Except that my STBXH was not nearly as physically threatening or angry as yours. While I was in that situation I didn't even realize how bad it was. Only after he moved out, and my home became a haven of bliss, serenity and happiness, did I realize how horrible it had been. Before we bought a place for him, he refused to move out. Then I should have moved out. It was a nightmare to live like that.

OP, your situation is BAD! Your girls are suffering. Do not do this to them and to yourself. You will damage your daughters for life. You are setting them up for a similar dynamic in their own marriage.

If you divorce he needs to get his own place anyway. He should move out now. Consult a lawyer to see if you could probably stay in the marital home post divorce. If not, sell the place and move out with the girls.

My STBXH and i are not divorced, therefore the custody issue has not come up. But in practice he sees our daughter only every second weekend, sometimes less often. As your daughters grow, the court would take their custody wishes in consideration.

Big hugs to you!

He will not move out. We both work but he brings in way more. When I proposed divorce a while back, he threatened to have me leave because he pays the mortgage.

That’s not how it works, Unless you have a prenup that says otherwise. Don’t fall for empty threats. If he dislikes you all that much why isn’t he agreeable to separating?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP of the thread with the 59 y.o. STBXH. I am so sorry that you are going through this situation. I was in your shoes before STBXH moved out to his own place. Except that my STBXH was not nearly as physically threatening or angry as yours. While I was in that situation I didn't even realize how bad it was. Only after he moved out, and my home became a haven of bliss, serenity and happiness, did I realize how horrible it had been. Before we bought a place for him, he refused to move out. Then I should have moved out. It was a nightmare to live like that.

OP, your situation is BAD! Your girls are suffering. Do not do this to them and to yourself. You will damage your daughters for life. You are setting them up for a similar dynamic in their own marriage.

If you divorce he needs to get his own place anyway. He should move out now. Consult a lawyer to see if you could probably stay in the marital home post divorce. If not, sell the place and move out with the girls.

My STBXH and i are not divorced, therefore the custody issue has not come up. But in practice he sees our daughter only every second weekend, sometimes less often. As your daughters grow, the court would take their custody wishes in consideration.

Big hugs to you!

He will not move out. We both work but he brings in way more. When I proposed divorce a while back, he threatened to have me leave because he pays the mortgage.

I'm the PP you quoted. Then you move to the rental property with the girls, even if it is smaller and farther from school. Peace is the most important consideration. Your situation is untenable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP of the thread with the 59 y.o. STBXH. I am so sorry that you are going through this situation. I was in your shoes before STBXH moved out to his own place. Except that my STBXH was not nearly as physically threatening or angry as yours. While I was in that situation I didn't even realize how bad it was. Only after he moved out, and my home became a haven of bliss, serenity and happiness, did I realize how horrible it had been. Before we bought a place for him, he refused to move out. Then I should have moved out. It was a nightmare to live like that.

OP, your situation is BAD! Your girls are suffering. Do not do this to them and to yourself. You will damage your daughters for life. You are setting them up for a similar dynamic in their own marriage.

If you divorce he needs to get his own place anyway. He should move out now. Consult a lawyer to see if you could probably stay in the marital home post divorce. If not, sell the place and move out with the girls.

My STBXH and i are not divorced, therefore the custody issue has not come up. But in practice he sees our daughter only every second weekend, sometimes less often. As your daughters grow, the court would take their custody wishes in consideration.

Big hugs to you!

He will not move out. We both work but he brings in way more. When I proposed divorce a while back, he threatened to have me leave because he pays the mortgage.

I'm the PP you quoted. Then you move to the rental property with the girls, even if it is smaller and farther from school. Peace is the most important consideration. Your situation is untenable.

+1

[Anonymous]

Op do not take marital advice on here. Most of it is garbage. Most people on here think people should divorce asap for almost everything. It’s not realistic. It sounds like your marriage is not great, but divorce is not a magic fix and it often raises many other issues, especially when the kids are young. Wait until they’re older.

[Anonymous]

No. I asked. It does not work.

[Anonymous]

It’s not if you want full custody and everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP of the thread with the 59 y.o. STBXH. I am so sorry that you are going through this situation. I was in your shoes before STBXH moved out to his own place. Except that my STBXH was not nearly as physically threatening or angry as yours. While I was in that situation I didn't even realize how bad it was. Only after he moved out, and my home became a haven of bliss, serenity and happiness, did I realize how horrible it had been. Before we bought a place for him, he refused to move out. Then I should have moved out. It was a nightmare to live like that.

OP, your situation is BAD! Your girls are suffering. Do not do this to them and to yourself. You will damage your daughters for life. You are setting them up for a similar dynamic in their own marriage.

If you divorce he needs to get his own place anyway. He should move out now. Consult a lawyer to see if you could probably stay in the marital home post divorce. If not, sell the place and move out with the girls.

My STBXH and i are not divorced, therefore the custody issue has not come up. But in practice he sees our daughter only every second weekend, sometimes less often. As your daughters grow, the court would take their custody wishes in consideration.

Big hugs to you!

He will not move out. We both work but he brings in way more. When I proposed divorce a while back, he threatened to have me leave because he pays the mortgage.

You cannot afford the house, let him have it and leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no way that a guy with seething rage will have an amicable divorce.

I've seen divorce bring out bad feelings in even the kindest of people, it certainly will bring them out in a guy with rage. Also, I highly doubt you will get 100% custody.

That doesn't mean not to divorce him...it definitely seems like you should. Just don't go into it expecting roses.

This. High conflict people tend to have high conflict divorces. Get out, be free and create a happy, stable home for your kids at least 50% of the time.

I am speaking as an adult child of divorce who is still undoing the damage of walking on eggshells around an angry, unpredictable father. My mom should have left years before she did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op do not take marital advice on here. Most of it is garbage. Most people on here think people should divorce asap for almost everything. It’s not realistic. It sounds like your marriage is not great, but divorce is not a magic fix and it often raises many other issues, especially when the kids are young. Wait until they’re older.

Yes much better to raise kids in an abusive home and model that relationship behavior. Great plan! The way you write makes it seem likely your spouse divorced you because of your abuse and you're still telling yourself it wasn't that bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just separate and live in different homes. dont divorce

This is why the government involvement with marriage is a disaster