Feel like I'm failing as a new mom

[Anonymous]

I remember feeling this way with my first. I just had #4 and relish days alone with my newborn because it truly is vacation. 1 feels so so so easy. All that to say, experience is what gets you through. And you will get through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my DH went back to work after taking 8 work days off. His company only offered 2 weeks’ paid paternity leave at the time (4 months later: they changed the policy to 3 months for all with no grandfathering and he spent the next year covering for 8 different parenting leaves! It was awful) and he thought saving 2 work days for the coming months would help.

Anyway, my baby was full term and it was so effing hard. What you are doing is so hard and I am proud of you and your tough little baby!

I don’t think I’d had a proper meal for the entire 2 first weeks and certainly hadn’t slept. We didn’t have family that could help and our friends also had very tiny infants. It was truly an awful time. I wasn’t healed and had nasty birth injuries and couldn’t do stroller walks or use an ergo until 5-6 weeks while I healed.

I found a baby and mom group run by a hospital and facilitated by a nurse and that was a lifeline. It gave me a place to go once a week. The nurse would hold babies for us so we could go off to a corner and cry, and someone always did.

1) order every meal. Get hot, interesting food for lunch and dinner. We didn’t have DoorDash or anything in my area at the time and I remember being just plain hungry and that making every emotion worse.

2) when your DH gets home, he has to take over no matter how tired he is or you’ll never fully heal

3) we had fisher price rock n plays, but they’re now banned. Get a snoo or whatever the thing is now so you have a safe place to leave your baby. Spend whatever it takes to get a baby receptacle so you can shower or change and know that they’ll be safe.

4) is there any way you can hire a night nurse? Someone? Please try. It wasn’t in our budget but I really needed a third adult.

I’m sending you genuine feelings of love and empathy- I remember those days vividly and my DD is now 10.

This is so helpful! Thank you!

1. I don’t order out much but I have been doing lots of easy snacks and leftovers.

2. That’s our plan. He does a lot now and I’m nervous for when he goes back to work.

3. We have a snoo and we love it. We have a second hand halo that we have been using in the living room and that’s been really helpful.

4. We can hire help but I’m just nervous. We are on a super strict feeding schedule and I have to pump every 2-3 hours. I am hoping to nurse so we aren’t switching to formula yet. He’s just too sleepy and small to nurse.

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone for the kind words! I am fine when it comes to knowing what to do. It’s just the exhaustion. He was born small at 37 weeks and has had trouble gaining weight. He lost a lot of weight and we have strict orders to feed him every 1.5 hours because he will only eat small amounts and is hard to stay awake. I’m pumping every 2-3 hours. I’m exhausted and don’t low how I will handle all the feedings and pumping by myself. My husband has been able to do at least half of the feedings. It’s been very exhausting.

[Anonymous]

We had that feeding schedule. So exhausting. It will get better!

(Did you try a supplemental nursing system? Total PIA but got us to nursing, which was super helpful. Don’t “exclusively pump” too many weeks if it is exhausting you, formula is ok!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone for the kind words! I am fine when it comes to knowing what to do. It’s just the exhaustion. He was born small at 37 weeks and has had trouble gaining weight. He lost a lot of weight and we have strict orders to feed him every 1.5 hours because he will only eat small amounts and is hard to stay awake. I’m pumping every 2-3 hours. I’m exhausted and don’t low how I will handle all the feedings and pumping by myself. My husband has been able to do at least half of the feedings. It’s been very exhausting.

Ok, I know that everyone comes from very different perspectives on this so this is just one mom’s opinion:

Consider formula. Yes, it’s expensive, but it takes the pressure off of you and your body. You’re not doing anything wrong by considering it. It sounds like pumping and getting this baby fed is really tough right now, and if it fills you with a sense of dread or anxiety or causes stress, that might eventually outweigh its benefits.

For complicated reasons that don’t matter one bit, my DD was fed exclusively formula from day 1. If that hadn’t been the case, I don’t know how I would have survived.

I’ll acknowledge that this is anecdotal: as a baby and toddler DD was rarely sick, is always one of the few to escape waves of contagion at school and in her sport, and she is happy and closely bonded to us and the other people who helped feed her. She is a great person with lots of kind friends.

For those who care (we don’t) or believe that formula affects development or intelligence: she regularly tests in the 98th-99th percentile of standardized tests and has had a lot of success in her main sport and other activities she’s tried.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had that feeding schedule. So exhausting. It will get better!

(Did you try a supplemental nursing system? Total PIA but got us to nursing, which was super helpful. Don’t “exclusively pump” too many weeks if it is exhausting you, formula is ok!)

We were told we have to bottle feed. We have to monitor everything fed to him. Nursing wasn’t working and he lost 14% of his body weight in the first week. I’m willing to pump because it’s what’s best for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone for the kind words! I am fine when it comes to knowing what to do. It’s just the exhaustion. He was born small at 37 weeks and has had trouble gaining weight. He lost a lot of weight and we have strict orders to feed him every 1.5 hours because he will only eat small amounts and is hard to stay awake. I’m pumping every 2-3 hours. I’m exhausted and don’t low how I will handle all the feedings and pumping by myself. My husband has been able to do at least half of the feedings. It’s been very exhausting.

Ok, I know that everyone comes from very different perspectives on this so this is just one mom’s opinion:

Consider formula. Yes, it’s expensive, but it takes the pressure off of you and your body. You’re not doing anything wrong by considering it. It sounds like pumping and getting this baby fed is really tough right now, and if it fills you with a sense of dread or anxiety or causes stress, that might eventually outweigh its benefits.

For complicated reasons that don’t matter one bit, my DD was fed exclusively formula from day 1. If that hadn’t been the case, I don’t know how I would have survived.

I’ll acknowledge that this is anecdotal: as a baby and toddler DD was rarely sick, is always one of the few to escape waves of contagion at school and in her sport, and she is happy and closely bonded to us and the other people who helped feed her. She is a great person with lots of kind friends.

For those who care (we don’t) or believe that formula affects development or intelligence: she regularly tests in the 98th-99th percentile of standardized tests and has had a lot of success in her main sport and other activities she’s tried.

I’m not against formula. We can afford it. I just would rather pump because I’m hoping we can nurse in the next couple of weeks when he is less sleepy and has gained enough weight. I have a really good supply and he likes it. He did have formula twice and both times he spit up almost all of it. He is fine with my milk.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like IUGR? If so you need a pediatrician who understands IUGR. They don’t magically become good at gaining weight outside the womb, it can be a constant struggle their whole life. Gaining weight is super important but for IUGR babies it’s often times a medical cause, not just a need for more milk.

[Anonymous]

I am not sure why you feel like a failure. What you are experiencing is normal and part of managing the post partum period and a new born. Did you do any prenatal courses? Whoever your health care providers were, they failed you by not telling you that exhaustion and being overwhelmed is normal and making you feel like a failure. Prenatal classes and care should be realistic and tell expecting parents to expect those feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like IUGR? If so you need a pediatrician who understands IUGR. They don’t magically become good at gaining weight outside the womb, it can be a constant struggle their whole life. Gaining weight is super important but for IUGR babies it’s often times a medical cause, not just a need for more milk.

No. I just spontaneously went into labor at 37 weeks. He was born at a decent weight - 6lbs 2oz but was so sleepy and wouldn’t wake to eat much. The doctor said it’s very normal. He lost 14% in the first week. He wasn’t strong enough to nurse and get all that he needed. He was growing normally in the womb. We are still on a strict feeding schedule because he lost so much weight.

[Anonymous]

So, not a preemie.

[Anonymous]

Agree. You are doing a lot. Another grown up around so you could even snatch ten minutes to eat or to rest would help. If he or she loads the dishwasher or straightens, a plus.

[Anonymous]

ALL new moms are scared and nervous. It's a huge shift from only looking after yourself to having another person to look after. Women who could do whatever they want, when they want to, must suddenly follow someone else's schedule. My husband went overseas when my baby was 2 weeks old and I was scared to death.

My suggestion is to lean into something you enjoy - there will be a lot of downtime - so take up crochet, book reading, language learning ... something.

[Anonymous]

Also, your baby is very resilient. Even if he lost a lot of weight early on, he will be fine.

[Anonymous]

You are not failing. You're struggling to deal with a difficult situation, exclusive pumping sucks and it's hard to pump by yourself with a baby.

I understand your motivation to keep pumping but it is adding complications. Do you have any relatives who might be able to come and help? Otherwise hiring help might help.

I'll gently add that fed is best, and formula won't make you a bad mom or "fail". I promise.