Feel like I'm failing as a new mom

[Anonymous]

Hang in there OP. My DS was full term but had feeding issues and I also breastfed/pumped every few hours. I’ll never forget how profoundly tired I was, and that was 16 years ago! It’s tough to handle everything without sleep so do what you can to prioritize taking care of yourself. And it will get better!!

[Anonymous]

Op, please don’t tire yourself by engaging in all the posts here. Take what you need from others posts, answer questions if you want, but you are spending precious little time justifying that you don’t want to use formula and whatever else - you don’t need to do that.

You are not failing. Newborns are so hard. A tiny newborn with any extra challenges is even harder! Your feelings are totally valid and normal.

The most important thing to know is that you’ve got this!

The second thing is to figure out if there is any way for you to get some help, even just for the next two weeks, paid or family/friend.

If you can get some help, consider trying to go one 4-5 hour stretch/day without pumping, let someone else feed the baby, and try to get one longer stretch of sleep during that time. 4 hours to sleep while someone else is caring for the baby may be very helpful, and one stretch like that shouldn’t hurt your supply.

You can do this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, please don’t tire yourself by engaging in all the posts here. Take what you need from others posts, answer questions if you want, but you are spending precious little time justifying that you don’t want to use formula and whatever else - you don’t need to do that.

You are not failing. Newborns are so hard. A tiny newborn with any extra challenges is even harder! Your feelings are totally valid and normal.

The most important thing to know is that you’ve got this!

The second thing is to figure out if there is any way for you to get some help, even just for the next two weeks, paid or family/friend.

If you can get some help, consider trying to go one 4-5 hour stretch/day without pumping, let someone else feed the baby, and try to get one longer stretch of sleep during that time. 4 hours to sleep while someone else is caring for the baby may be very helpful, and one stretch like that shouldn’t hurt your supply.

You can do this!

Yeah, you really need a 5 hr stretch. I would get uninterrupted sleep from sleep 9-2 and my husband would get uninterrupted sleep 2-7 and that worked well for us for a couple of weeks there when our daughter was trying to get back to birth weight. I don’t think we could have functioned without splitting the night like that.

You’re probably closer than you think, OP, because usually once the baby is back to birth weight, you can let them sleep.

[Anonymous]

Instead of pumping, someone else can be giving him formula and you can be sleeping.

[Anonymous]

Breastfeeding is healthy for a baby but a healthy mother is even more important to the health of a baby. Severe sleep deprivation and exhaustion like you are describing you are experiencing leads to poor decision making and safety issues and poor mental health. You can not be a decent parent without any sleep. Being exhausted - yes, but feeding and pumping every 30 minutes all day and night and never sleeping is a recipe for disaster and definitely not in the best interest of a newborn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The common denominator in a lot of these posts is breastfeeding. Op could actually get some rest if she used formula. Formula is freedom

It’s the pumping. For people who were able to breastfeed pretty easily (this is not a compliment or judgement - it just works for some people) breastfeeding isn’t that much work. It’s the pumping and/or latch/supply issues that put people over the edge. I was able to breastfeed but absolutely would not have pumped. I would have done formula first.

This. Your baby wasn’t really born early. Vast majority of babies born at 37 weeks have no problems at all. I had a 5 lb 14 oz 37 weeker and no issue with weight gain. It sounds like his inability to nurse is the problem, now it’s coupled with your dedication to pumping and the exhaustion from that. Breastfeeding is a LOT more work for a baby than bottle feeding. I’m surprised your doctor hasn’t told you to supplement since he is under six pounds and hasn’t regained birth weight still after 2+ weeks. Even adding powdered formula to your breastmilk would be helpful (but def needs a dr to tell you exact ratio). But it will all be fine- just focus on feedings and your husband can cook and do laundry and whatever else in the evening

Well the doctors know more than you do. They have said he has feeding issues. We weren’t allowed to leave the hospital and had to be readmitted. He has trouble even with bottle feeding and would barely eat anything for the first week. He was born a day before 37 weeks. He is getting better but the bottle is still a challenge.

We plan to fortify his bottles depending on how his next weight check goes. I think they said 1tsp per two ounces of milk. He is still having trouble finishing 2oz so we will see.

His feeding issues aren’t because “he’s a premie.” Plenty of full term babies don’t nurse well for various reasons. That’s the point

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get some help if you can and call your OB and tell them how you're feeling and that you want to be screened for PPD/A.

I don’t have PPD/A. I’m just overwhelmed and exhausted.

Being overwhelmed and exhausted with one newborn who sleeps 14 hours in a 24 hour period means you probably have PPD/PPA! There is no shame in it. I had it for my first and not for my second and the difference was night and day.

Yeaahhhh… you’re a moron. Mothers of newborns are not supposed to do it alone. If OP’s relatives have failed her by leaving her alone, then she needs to hire help. No shame about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The common denominator in a lot of these posts is breastfeeding. Op could actually get some rest if she used formula. Formula is freedom

It’s the pumping. For people who were able to breastfeed pretty easily (this is not a compliment or judgement - it just works for some people) breastfeeding isn’t that much work. It’s the pumping and/or latch/supply issues that put people over the edge. I was able to breastfeed but absolutely would not have pumped. I would have done formula first.

This. Your baby wasn’t really born early. Vast majority of babies born at 37 weeks have no problems at all. I had a 5 lb 14 oz 37 weeker and no issue with weight gain. It sounds like his inability to nurse is the problem, now it’s coupled with your dedication to pumping and the exhaustion from that. Breastfeeding is a LOT more work for a baby than bottle feeding. I’m surprised your doctor hasn’t told you to supplement since he is under six pounds and hasn’t regained birth weight still after 2+ weeks. Even adding powdered formula to your breastmilk would be helpful (but def needs a dr to tell you exact ratio). But it will all be fine- just focus on feedings and your husband can cook and do laundry and whatever else in the evening

Well the doctors know more than you do. They have said he has feeding issues. We weren’t allowed to leave the hospital and had to be readmitted. He has trouble even with bottle feeding and would barely eat anything for the first week. He was born a day before 37 weeks. He is getting better but the bottle is still a challenge.

We plan to fortify his bottles depending on how his next weight check goes. I think they said 1tsp per two ounces of milk. He is still having trouble finishing 2oz so we will see.

His feeding issues aren’t because “he’s a premie.” Plenty of full term babies don’t nurse well for various reasons. That’s the point

Her doctors said otherwise. You’re not a doctor and don’t know what you’re talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's nothing magical in breastmilk. My baby was full term and weighed a pound less than yours. Babies are huge these days in western countries so people think 5 and 6 pound babies are preemies. They aren't.

This isn’t true. A healthy 6-8lb baby is average almost everywhere. The issue is OPs baby was born early and lost a significant amount of with after birth. It’s not normal for your baby to lose 14% and fall off the growth chart. Serious problems can arise from this. It’s not a minor issues.

Her baby was born at 6 lbs. How was he eating in the hospital? How many days did it take milk to come in? Was he supplemented at that time with formula until her milk came in? Babies that aren’t vigorously nursing right after birth and for the immediate 24 hrs are more likely to struggle with weight gain and often need supplementing temporarily, since this will cause a delay in mom’s milk coming in, further exacerbating their weight loss, and inability to nurse effectively. Pumping doesn’t stimulate milk to come in nearly as quick as a frequently nursing newborn. It sounds like OP is in a negative feedback cycle of her baby didn’t get enough nutrition post-birth, lost weight, which makes it harder to eat, which compounds weight loss. Has your doctor mentioned syringe feeding or supplementing your breastmilk with formula to increase the calories?

[Anonymous]

At one time with my first born who's perfectly healthy I felt that we need 4 full adults to take care of her... so you are definitely not a failure.

Try to prioritize and also give yourself a break whenever you can.

[Anonymous]

Nothing but hugs and empathy! You're not failing!

I just want to put in another plug for finding a new moms group to join when your baby gets a bit older and stronger. I'm a total introvert and generally don't like stuff like that, but forced myself to join one. It was such an unexpected blessing.

[Anonymous]

It does sound like you can use some help. Could husband take an extra week of leave? Could he work from home for a couple more weeks? Any family or friends available to come for at least the first few days when your husband heads back to work?

If you do get some help, be prepared for some unsolicited opinions. Everyone is recommending formula because they are experienced parents and know that this would never happen for a 2nd child.

Hang in there. Sounds like you are doing well!