I don’t know how to talk to my husband about foreplay

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly he’s always been this way, why is it an issue now when it’s never been before?

This is the trouble with marrying a human and not a robot. At 50, I need a much longer lead and warmup time than I did 30 years ago. What OP describes could have been tolerable then but is an absolute no now.

OP, it doesn’t matter if he’s ready to go, if you are not. If he complains, you say; I have told you multiple times what I need.

OP here. I can try to stand firm. Won’t lie, I will feel extremely guilty though.

Why do you feel guilty and he doesn't? And why do you think that's OK?

[Anonymous]

Like others said, door is closed until/unless you’re ready. No guilt at all!

[Anonymous]

I think you should communicate before the act.
Texting during the day to entice the evening and act.

So, throughout the day, you can say things like, “massage tonight? My back is hurting”
During the massage, you can guide him to the next part.

Also, while you’re in the act, talk to him. Men act well with reinforcements, sometimes, it’s just you telling them what to do and acknowledging when they do it. Afterward, send him a text or have a convo about how well you enjoyed yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly he’s always been this way, why is it an issue now when it’s never been before?

I am OP. It is an issue now because I am 40, not 20 and ready to go. I need more time to get worked up, now, more than ever. No, I’m not as wet and ready to go as I am used to. I am aging. I am embracing it but I want him to embrace me and my body too. We used to have sex every other day. We are 40 now and it went to every couple weeks. It’s not unheard of for things to be an issue later on….

OP it's not your age it's him. I am 48 and the only difference (and yes it's a big one) that I noticed about me is that I can no longer ejaculate 3 times in a day and my refractory period takes longer. However I am still as passionate as when I was in my 20s. Foreplay is a mush for me. And I can confidently say that I have perfected the art of eating DW out lol. I mean by the time I make my way to her clit she is already soaking.

She is already soaking in anticipation because she knows I am enthusiastic, she knows I still love her as much as I did when she was younger and much thinner. I didn't understand how much women need to be desired especially as their body change. Our marriage went through a rough patch when we reached our early 40s because while we were still being intimate and having foreplay I wasn't as communicative or enthusiastic about it. I made changes such as sexting, slapping her ass randomly, fingering her unexpectedly etc.....foreplay can and should happen long before the actual PIV. It could be in phases. The idea is to build the anticipation.

The biggest advantage of having a wife over a girlfriend is that there is no taboo, you can do whatever you want assuming you both want it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly he’s always been this way, why is it an issue now when it’s never been before?

This is the trouble with marrying a human and not a robot. At 50, I need a much longer lead and warmup time than I did 30 years ago. What OP describes could have been tolerable then but is an absolute no now.

OP, it doesn’t matter if he’s ready to go, if you are not. If he complains, you say; I have told you multiple times what I need.

OP here. I can try to stand firm. Won’t lie, I will feel extremely guilty though.

Perhaps you’re feeling guilty because it’s not happening as often, and you feel bad about what might be perceived as denying him. Change things up. Tell him you want to have sex every other day for a month. Just plan for it. This creates more opportunities for you to talk with him about what you want. Everyone is on “better behavior” because they know what’s going to happen. There’s more space and incentive to try different things. There isn’t this pressure on everyone to get it exactly right because you know you’ll be doing it again in two days.

It’s worth it to try for a month and see where it takes you.

[Anonymous]

Quick question. When women say they want more sex, do they mean they want more PIV or are they open to say sessions without PIV? Women can fake sex when they are not horny to please their partners much easier than men. It's very hard for a man to fake it because if he really isn't in the mood erections are much harder to achieve. And for this reason he can make excuses not to have sex. But then you guys take it as a rejection. You can fake it so you don't have to reject us. We can't.

Now if you mean all form of sex not just PIV then we can equally fake it to please you as long as you are not hurt that put lack of erection means we are not into it.

Then the question becomes how many women will be okay with a man lack of erection during a sex act and not making it about her?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly he’s always been this way, why is it an issue now when it’s never been before?

This is the trouble with marrying a human and not a robot. At 50, I need a much longer lead and warmup time than I did 30 years ago. What OP describes could have been tolerable then but is an absolute no now.

OP, it doesn’t matter if he’s ready to go, if you are not. If he complains, you say; I have told you multiple times what I need.

Seriously. Wait till menopause starts, it can become excruciating for some women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lube up. Story of our marriage. They don't change.

OP here. Honestly, this may be the best advice. However, I feel like that pleases him still and not me. I want to be touched. I want to be turned on. Just lubing up turns him on and not me. I still want sex, very often, but I want my thighs stroked too, kissed, etc.

PP here. Masturbation.

[Anonymous]

Ya'll need to buy your husband's the books She Comes First and Come As You Are.

I literally cannot imagine a penis trying to enter my body without foreplay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly he’s always been this way, why is it an issue now when it’s never been before?

This is the trouble with marrying a human and not a robot. At 50, I need a much longer lead and warmup time than I did 30 years ago. What OP describes could have been tolerable then but is an absolute no now.

OP, it doesn’t matter if he’s ready to go, if you are not. If he complains, you say; I have told you multiple times what I need.

Seriously. Wait till menopause starts, it can become excruciating for some women.

Not for the women here. They are perfect they are always supposedly ready for sex 40, 60 76 doesn't matter. The men are the problem not them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly he’s always been this way, why is it an issue now when it’s never been before?

This is the trouble with marrying a human and not a robot. At 50, I need a much longer lead and warmup time than I did 30 years ago. What OP describes could have been tolerable then but is an absolute no now.

OP, it doesn’t matter if he’s ready to go, if you are not. If he complains, you say; I have told you multiple times what I need.

Seriously. Wait till menopause starts, it can become excruciating for some women.

Not for the women here. They are perfect they are always supposedly ready for sex 40, 60 76 doesn't matter. The men are the problem not them!

Ummm this is a thread about a man who is objectively very bad in bed …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Quick question. When women say they want more sex, do they mean they want more PIV or are they open to say sessions without PIV? Women can fake sex when they are not horny to please their partners much easier than men. It's very hard for a man to fake it because if he really isn't in the mood erections are much harder to achieve. And for this reason he can make excuses not to have sex. But then you guys take it as a rejection. You can fake it so you don't have to reject us. We can't.

Now if you mean all form of sex not just PIV then we can equally fake it to please you as long as you are not hurt that put lack of erection means we are not into it.

Then the question becomes how many women will be okay with a man lack of erection during a sex act and not making it about her?!

I have no idea what you mean by fake. Women don’t fake lubrication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Quick question. When women say they want more sex, do they mean they want more PIV or are they open to say sessions without PIV? Women can fake sex when they are not horny to please their partners much easier than men. It's very hard for a man to fake it because if he really isn't in the mood erections are much harder to achieve. And for this reason he can make excuses not to have sex. But then you guys take it as a rejection. You can fake it so you don't have to reject us. We can't.

Now if you mean all form of sex not just PIV then we can equally fake it to please you as long as you are not hurt that put lack of erection means we are not into it.

Then the question becomes how many women will be okay with a man lack of erection during a sex act and not making it about her?!

I would feel hurt and rejected if my husband wouldn’t openly talk to me about this. Whether or not we have sex isn’t as important to me as feeling like we can talk to each other about our problems.

If he isn’t having an erection during sex but tries to hide it or gets frustrated and angry with himself, that’s not sexy. If he’s open about it and he just can’t get there, so he makes it all about me, that’s hot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly he’s always been this way, why is it an issue now when it’s never been before?

This is the trouble with marrying a human and not a robot. At 50, I need a much longer lead and warmup time than I did 30 years ago. What OP describes could have been tolerable then but is an absolute no now.

OP, it doesn’t matter if he’s ready to go, if you are not. If he complains, you say; I have told you multiple times what I need.

Seriously. Wait till menopause starts, it can become excruciating for some women.

Not for the women here. They are perfect they are always supposedly ready for sex 40, 60 76 doesn't matter. The men are the problem not them!

PP again. That was not the point of my post. The point is that with age, dryness (and pain) can get much worse for SOME women. So OP needs to address this issue now before perimenopause or menopause starts. I also know women who don’t have this problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly he’s always been this way, why is it an issue now when it’s never been before?

This is the trouble with marrying a human and not a robot. At 50, I need a much longer lead and warmup time than I did 30 years ago. What OP describes could have been tolerable then but is an absolute no now.

OP, it doesn’t matter if he’s ready to go, if you are not. If he complains, you say; I have told you multiple times what I need.

OP here. I can try to stand firm. Won’t lie, I will feel extremely guilty though.

Hi fellow people pleaser!

Read this article and see if it’s you:
https://www.drpsychmom.com/people-pleasing-daughters-of-covertly-narcissistic-moms/

“Despite knowing exactly how to take care of others, they have no idea how to take care of themselves, and are extremely uncomfortable putting their needs before anyone else’s. They feel very guilty when they spend any time on themselves, and are perfectionistic and self-flagellating when they mess up.”