I don’t know how to talk to my husband about foreplay

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Quick question. When women say they want more sex, do they mean they want more PIV or are they open to say sessions without PIV? Women can fake sex when they are not horny to please their partners much easier than men. It's very hard for a man to fake it because if he really isn't in the mood erections are much harder to achieve. And for this reason he can make excuses not to have sex. But then you guys take it as a rejection. You can fake it so you don't have to reject us. We can't.

Now if you mean all form of sex not just PIV then we can equally fake it to please you as long as you are not hurt that put lack of erection means we are not into it.

Then the question becomes how many women will be okay with a man lack of erection during a sex act and not making it about her?!

I would be ok with it. Plenty of times my husband received “focused attention” then fell asleep after. A session completely about my pleasure is a ok

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Quick question. When women say they want more sex, do they mean they want more PIV or are they open to say sessions without PIV? Women can fake sex when they are not horny to please their partners much easier than men. It's very hard for a man to fake it because if he really isn't in the mood erections are much harder to achieve. And for this reason he can make excuses not to have sex. But then you guys take it as a rejection. You can fake it so you don't have to reject us. We can't.

Now if you mean all form of sex not just PIV then we can equally fake it to please you as long as you are not hurt that put lack of erection means we are not into it.

Then the question becomes how many women will be okay with a man lack of erection during a sex act and not making it about her?!

Plenty of men with ED make their livers feel utterly adored. PIV and boners are the end all be all. Also there’s babeland.com if we need gadgets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Quick question. When women say they want more sex, do they mean they want more PIV or are they open to say sessions without PIV? Women can fake sex when they are not horny to please their partners much easier than men. It's very hard for a man to fake it because if he really isn't in the mood erections are much harder to achieve. And for this reason he can make excuses not to have sex. But then you guys take it as a rejection. You can fake it so you don't have to reject us. We can't.

Now if you mean all form of sex not just PIV then we can equally fake it to please you as long as you are not hurt that put lack of erection means we are not into it.

Then the question becomes how many women will be okay with a man lack of erection during a sex act and not making it about her?!

Plenty of men with ED make their livers feel utterly adored. PIV and boners are the end all be all. Also there’s babeland.com if we need gadgets.

Omg. Lovers not livers 😂

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly he’s always been this way, why is it an issue now when it’s never been before?

This is the trouble with marrying a human and not a robot. At 50, I need a much longer lead and warmup time than I did 30 years ago. What OP describes could have been tolerable then but is an absolute no now.

OP, it doesn’t matter if he’s ready to go, if you are not. If he complains, you say; I have told you multiple times what I need.

OP here. I can try to stand firm. Won’t lie, I will feel extremely guilty though.

Why will you feel guilty? Clearly he does not feel guilty.

[Anonymous]

For a radical approach, check out Alexey Welsh on YouTube:

https://youtube.com/@alexeywelsh?si=kns8p6n_HDFm_TB2

He focuses on on love and connection between partners, and believes that orgasm as a goal can be detrimental, believe it or not. Definitely a different take, but intriguing. Plus he has a great voice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lube up. Story of our marriage. They don't change.

OP here. Honestly, this may be the best advice. However, I feel like that pleases him still and not me. I want to be touched. I want to be turned on. Just lubing up turns him on and not me. I still want sex, very often, but I want my thighs stroked too, kissed, etc.

Same here. I tried showing him, but he gets impatient if things take time, and I feel as if I am a burden. He gets tired if I ask him to hold on the same pace or, alternatively, cannot repeat the motion I like. When I show him a position, his back starts hurting, or his leg goes numb, and he can't continue. It's been like this forever! Once he saw a move in p**n, I guess, or read somewhere about what women like. He proceeded despite my begging him not to do it, and it hurt like hell. So now, we lube up, I go through the motions, and he feels good. The end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lube up. Story of our marriage. They don't change.

OP here. Honestly, this may be the best advice. However, I feel like that pleases him still and not me. I want to be touched. I want to be turned on. Just lubing up turns him on and not me. I still want sex, very often, but I want my thighs stroked too, kissed, etc.

Same here. I tried showing him, but he gets impatient if things take time, and I feel as if I am a burden. He gets tired if I ask him to hold on the same pace or, alternatively, cannot repeat the motion I like. When I show him a position, his back starts hurting, or his leg goes numb, and he can't continue. It's been like this forever! Once he saw a move in p**n, I guess, or read somewhere about what women like. He proceeded despite my begging him not to do it, and it hurt like hell. So now, we lube up, I go through the motions, and he feels good. The end.

That is not consensual sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lube up. Story of our marriage. They don't change.

OP here. Honestly, this may be the best advice. However, I feel like that pleases him still and not me. I want to be touched. I want to be turned on. Just lubing up turns him on and not me. I still want sex, very often, but I want my thighs stroked too, kissed, etc.

Same here. I tried showing him, but he gets impatient if things take time, and I feel as if I am a burden. He gets tired if I ask him to hold on the same pace or, alternatively, cannot repeat the motion I like. When I show him a position, his back starts hurting, or his leg goes numb, and he can't continue. It's been like this forever! Once he saw a move in p**n, I guess, or read somewhere about what women like. He proceeded despite my begging him not to do it, and it hurt like hell. So now, we lube up, I go through the motions, and he feels good. The end.

That’s so sad 😭

[Anonymous]

I mean, shut him down as soon as he tries it. "What about the foreplay?" Just say that next time he starts trying to get randy. Or be like "Sorry, I'm not turned on... there was no foreplay so I just cant get into it." He either figures it out or doesnt

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lube up. Story of our marriage. They don't change.

OP here. Honestly, this may be the best advice. However, I feel like that pleases him still and not me. I want to be touched. I want to be turned on. Just lubing up turns him on and not me. I still want sex, very often, but I want my thighs stroked too, kissed, etc.

Same here. I tried showing him, but he gets impatient if things take time, and I feel as if I am a burden. He gets tired if I ask him to hold on the same pace or, alternatively, cannot repeat the motion I like. When I show him a position, his back starts hurting, or his leg goes numb, and he can't continue. It's been like this forever! Once he saw a move in p**n, I guess, or read somewhere about what women like. He proceeded despite my begging him not to do it, and it hurt like hell. So now, we lube up, I go through the motions, and he feels good. The end.

Listen, OP - You're not a victim. You don't have to put up with this low-effort, selfish nonsense.

Until you're ready, the answer is no. Until it's good for you, the answer is no. If you feel "guilty" about advocating for yourself, maybe you need the help of a professional (therapist, counselor, sex therapist) to help you understand why and work through it. But it doesn't have to be like this. Demand better, and don't put out until you get it.

He sounds absolutely insufferable. Don't fsck jerks. Being married isn't some kind of AH pass.

[Anonymous]

Ask him, point blank, next time he tries it, "Why would I be turned on right now?" If he shrivels up and retreats in shame, good- let him. Stop trying to coddle him and protect his emotions- he shows zero concern for yours. Start prioritizing what makes YOU feel good, just like he does. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. The more you enable his entitled pig behavior the more it will continue and he'll think it's okay. It honestly sounds like he doesnt really care one way or another, or even takes time to think about, your sexual arousal/desires/pleasure. And that's really freaking sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lube up. Story of our marriage. They don't change.

OP here. Honestly, this may be the best advice. However, I feel like that pleases him still and not me. I want to be touched. I want to be turned on. Just lubing up turns him on and not me. I still want sex, very often, but I want my thighs stroked too, kissed, etc.

Same here. I tried showing him, but he gets impatient if things take time, and I feel as if I am a burden. He gets tired if I ask him to hold on the same pace or, alternatively, cannot repeat the motion I like. When I show him a position, his back starts hurting, or his leg goes numb, and he can't continue. It's been like this forever! Once he saw a move in p**n, I guess, or read somewhere about what women like. He proceeded despite my begging him not to do it, and it hurt like hell. So now, we lube up, I go through the motions, and he feels good. The end.

This is disturbing and if you weren’t married you’d likely call it rape.

[Anonymous]

In our relationship it’s opposite. I’m DW and generally ready to go, dont want much foreplay. DH needs touch just generally. I have to make a point cuddle, kiss, hug ect because I do care about his needs. You should try to be physical with him more (in a non sexual way) and talk about it more

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In our relationship it’s opposite. I’m DW and generally ready to go, dont want much foreplay. DH needs touch just generally. I have to make a point cuddle, kiss, hug ect because I do care about his needs. You should try to be physical with him more (in a non sexual way) and talk about it more

This is also me. I am more "wham, bam, thank you ma'am" meanwhile my partner loves a lot of constant contact, cuddling together and touching almost constantly. However, I would be extremely turned off if a man just expected me to instantly spread my legs at the drop of a hat with ZERO effort put into setting the mood. I dont need elaborate foreplay whatsoever, but it sounds like OP's DH does absolutely nothing and still expects sex on demand... that's a turn off based on the entitlement alone.

[Anonymous]

Trigger warning…
Some of the behaviors and dynamics described seem sexually aggressive. Especially the people saying they asked the husband not to do certain things and they do it anyway. That is a very unhealthy and unbalanced dynamic and not part of what would be in the realm of normal sexual contact. I have to wonder if some of these women are victims of abuse and if so, please go talk to a therapist about this so you can learn to advocate for your own sexual needs.