staying very close friends with an ex

[Anonymous]

No, it's kind of weird, and most people won't like it unless you share a child. Find another person you can talk sports with. Really easy if you go to a sporting event or a sports bar.


If you are even THINKING that romantic feelings could come back, they will probably will.

I can't really be close friends with men, history or not, unless they are close to my husband. A lot of men are just too playful/flirty (and write it off as their "personalities" instead of a choice), as if they're "waiting" for their chance. Whereas mutual friends are generally respectful. our dynamic has been established in a group, so it's less weird. I know many women that would agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s possible. What happens when she gets a serious boyfriend or you get a serious girlfriend. Someone somewhere isn’t going to be happy about your relationship with your ex.

This is what happened to me- the new Gf didn’t like our friendship and he had to choose. I get it and stepped back and went no contact, but honestly it hurt more than any romantic breakup I have ever gone through

Of course it did. Because either you weren’t over him or you both weren’t over each other. The new girlfriend wasn’t an idiot and figured this out. Good for her for holding a boundary on the issue. Your ex wasn’t choosing between a “friendship” with you and a relationship with her. He was choosing a relationship with one of you. Whether it was going to be you or her, there wasn’t room for both.

FYI I had a guy derail my life for a number of years because he pulled some nonsense like this. I consider both he and his ex to be really pathological because they both knew what they were doing and never should have pulled me into their unresolved issues. I’m older and wiser now. But they did some real damage to me.

[Anonymous]

While I applaud the maturity you're describing, OP, I also think that if either of you is seriously seeing someone, the right thing to do is to ensure that the signifcant other not only knows about the friendship but meets you/her. I would not, in your shoes, insist that you all socialize together and that your GF be buddies with your ex. And frankly, while I do believe men and women can be close, close friends, when they are romantic/sexual exes, that adds a layer of intimate history with which new partners likely will be uncomfortable--at best.

The issue is not whether women and men can be extremely close friends and stay friends; they can; I've seen it and experienced it.

The issue is exes who remain so present in each other's lives but will always have that intimate history, unlike with any other close friendship you have with a man or a woman who isn't an ex.

Try to picture how a GF could feel about the history there. Some won't care. Some will find it stays in their heads even if they aren't necessarily jealous. You could approach that is "Well, it's a you problem" if a GF has issues with it. But if you want that GF to feel completely comfortable and her true self in your relationship, you'd be putting her feelings first and weighing your priorities. I am not saying "you have to choose between them." But you might have to ramp back time and contact with your BFF ex. Which should be natural anyway, if you're focusing your time and energy on a serious romantic relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks for responses. One reason I put “very” close is because she’s like one of the guys and I can talk to her extensively about things like sports that my GF has zero interest in.

Does your GF know about your friendship with this ex? If everything is out in the open friendship should be no problem as long as it's just that. Everything needs to be out in the open.

[Anonymous]

If you broke up with her and want to remain friends you will only be leaving the door open just a crack to maybe ineday get back together.

[Anonymous]

You burn that bridge when you come to it, OP.

Just enjoy your ability to be friends with an ex for now.

[Anonymous]

Op here. For additional context, I’m speaking about an ex GF, not necessarily an ex spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s possible. What happens when she gets a serious boyfriend or you get a serious girlfriend. Someone somewhere isn’t going to be happy about your relationship with your ex.

This is what happened to me- the new Gf didn’t like our friendship and he had to choose. I get it and stepped back and went no contact, but honestly it hurt more than any romantic breakup I have ever gone through

I totally get that. Partly why I posted is cause she’s seeing someone new and is pulling away a bit.

You sound selfish. You broke up with her and she’s moving on. She doesn’t want to be close friends with you right now. That’s life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s possible. What happens when she gets a serious boyfriend or you get a serious girlfriend. Someone somewhere isn’t going to be happy about your relationship with your ex.

This is what happened to me- the new Gf didn’t like our friendship and he had to choose. I get it and stepped back and went no contact, but honestly it hurt more than any romantic breakup I have ever gone through

Of course it did. Because either you weren’t over him or you both weren’t over each other. The new girlfriend wasn’t an idiot and figured this out. Good for her for holding a boundary on the issue. Your ex wasn’t choosing between a “friendship” with you and a relationship with her. He was choosing a relationship with one of you. Whether it was going to be you or her, there wasn’t room for both.

FYI I had a guy derail my life for a number of years because he pulled some nonsense like this. I consider both he and his ex to be really pathological because they both knew what they were doing and never should have pulled me into their unresolved issues. I’m older and wiser now. But they did some real damage to me.

Exactly totally happened to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. For additional context, I’m speaking about an ex GF, not necessarily an ex spouse.

It doesn’t matter OP. And frankly, stop looking for a loophole to have it how you want it when you want it. Being an adult means making choices. Having an ex that you can talk to about “issues you can’t talk to your girlfriend about” is going to bite you in the ass. Which is your choice, but you don’t have the right to waste your girlfriend’s time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s possible. What happens when she gets a serious boyfriend or you get a serious girlfriend. Someone somewhere isn’t going to be happy about your relationship with your ex.

This is what happened to me- the new Gf didn’t like our friendship and he had to choose. I get it and stepped back and went no contact, but honestly it hurt more than any romantic breakup I have ever gone through

Of course it did. Because either you weren’t over him or you both weren’t over each other. The new girlfriend wasn’t an idiot and figured this out. Good for her for holding a boundary on the issue. Your ex wasn’t choosing between a “friendship” with you and a relationship with her. He was choosing a relationship with one of you. Whether it was going to be you or her, there wasn’t room for both.

FYI I had a guy derail my life for a number of years because he pulled some nonsense like this. I consider both he and his ex to be really pathological because they both knew what they were doing and never should have pulled me into their unresolved issues. I’m older and wiser now. But they did some real damage to me.

I’m sorry you had a bad experience. I can only speak for mine and I was on the other side of this equations. I too am much older and wiser now.

As far as I’m concerned, the GF didn’t hold the boundary between my ex and I. She can’t. Boundaries are only for you, not for you to impose on others. She had a choice to stay or walk. She married him, so she clearly stayed.

He certainly didn’t uphold his end of the bargain to not contact me. I did. I said good bye and walked away. I didn’t take his calls anymore because I didn’t want to lie to his new GF about him calling me.

She never knew he still attempted to call me for months after I went no contact. They ended up getting married and divorce.

The thing is this guy would tell little insignificant lies all the time, but when he kept trying to contact me, I realized that sometimes those lies WERE significant. I truly think there are always signs, but sometiems we are so overwhelmed by the good feelings we don’t pay attention to them. I now pay attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. For additional context, I’m speaking about an ex GF, not necessarily an ex spouse.

It doesn’t matter OP. And frankly, stop looking for a loophole to have it how you want it when you want it. Being an adult means making choices. Having an ex that you can talk to about “issues you can’t talk to your girlfriend about” is going to bite you in the ass. Which is your choice, but you don’t have the right to waste your girlfriend’s time.

The bold is extremely important, OP. If you are in a serious, committed relationship, that GF, partner, spouse, whatever you call her, should be the person with whom you are able to talk about anything in your life. If you cannot do that with your GF/wife/partner, but do it with someone else, that's a red flag to your partner that your intimacy as a couple is not as deep as she might expect and want it to be.

If that "someone else" you confide in is someone with whom you have sexual and romantic history -- then pouring your "issues" into her ear is definitely asking for serious trouble in your other relationship. The relationship that's supposed to be about utlimate trust and communication.

Of course, if you just want casual GFs for sex, but reserve your thoughts, feelings, troubles, opinions, "issues" etc. for the ex-GF best buddy, well, fine. But you won't turn any of those casual GFs into serious partners that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. For additional context, I’m speaking about an ex GF, not necessarily an ex spouse.

It doesn’t matter OP. And frankly, stop looking for a loophole to have it how you want it when you want it. Being an adult means making choices. Having an ex that you can talk to about “issues you can’t talk to your girlfriend about” is going to bite you in the ass. Which is your choice, but you don’t have the right to waste your girlfriend’s time.

The bold is extremely important, OP. If you are in a serious, committed relationship, that GF, partner, spouse, whatever you call her, should be the person with whom you are able to talk about anything in your life. If you cannot do that with your GF/wife/partner, but do it with someone else, that's a red flag to your partner that your intimacy as a couple is not as deep as she might expect and want it to be.

If that "someone else" you confide in is someone with whom you have sexual and romantic history -- then pouring your "issues" into her ear is definitely asking for serious trouble in your other relationship. The relationship that's supposed to be about utlimate trust and communication.

Of course, if you just want casual GFs for sex, but reserve your thoughts, feelings, troubles, opinions, "issues" etc. for the ex-GF best buddy, well, fine. But you won't turn any of those casual GFs into serious partners that way.

Op here. Thank you for the thoughtful response. I wouldn't categorize it as confiding in. We text about sports betting; we text about craft beer; and we text about golf. That's about it. My GF has no interest in any of those activities, and has shown no interest in learning them. I'm fine with her lack of interest. No reason we can't have separate hobbies. Our thing is projects around the house, cooking together, and all of the other flirty gf/bf stuff. Those are things I obviously don't talk to my ex about.

[Anonymous]

I'm friends with my ex husband. I watch his dog when he is away. We have dinner together with our adult sons. I do not have romantic feelings for him nor him for me. Divorced 5 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm friends with my ex husband. I watch his dog when he is away. We have dinner together with our adult sons. I do not have romantic feelings for him nor him for me. Divorced 5 years.

Strangely at least to me- it seems more okay for people to be friendly with their ex- spouses than with ex-boy/girlfriends.