DD wants the big bedroom, but I don’t want to give it to her & DH not backing me up

Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Omg whhhhhyyyy did you buy this house? It’s essentially going to turn into a nightmare of unnecessary trauma for your DD bc all she’ll remember is how excited she was to get this lovely bedroom and how you prevented her from having it for no reason at all and then took it a step further to destroy and rip out all the things she loved about it rather than let her enjoy it!
That is next level cruelty imo.

Why not just let her have the extra smaller room as a playroom for now and a study/guest room layer?
The sneaking out thing would absolutely never have crossed my mind for a 9 year old. And if she does that even once, then seal up the door. Problem solved!


You have got to be a troll, or a spoiled person. Or it's Friday not and you're Drunk Responding.


Really?
How do you think you might feel, Op, if your DH showed you a beautiful home that had a gorgeous master bedroom with spacious master bath that you’ve always dreamed of, and as soon as you started planning aloud about all the ways in which you were looking forward to decorate it, he stopped you and said “oh no no no, sweetie that room isn’t for you. I thought we’d just keep that room for when my mother visits. We can have the bedroom in the basement!”


You are not responding to OP. I'm a DP you're responding to. I just back OP. There is no comparing an adult in a main bedroom to a child in a kid's room. I think you are seeing this through some trauma lens of your own childhood.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am not OP, but I am stunned that anyone thinks OP isn't in the right. And DH is an ass for not fully supporting DW.


I actually don’t believe that you are “not OP”


Then I feel for OP because she is getting needlessly blamed. I am absolutely not OP. I'm not even in the DC area.
Anonymous
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'd give her the room she wants. Lock the darn door, OP.



OP here. So my reasons against aren’t valid? I can see some people not finding my first two reasons compelling, but how about #3?


I don't understand why a guest room would be bigger than a kid's room. A teenager certainly needs more space than a guest.

You're in a situation where both kids can have the big room for their high school years, which is pretty fair. Make that the plan now.

The only reason I can sort of see is the door to the outside. I wouldn't put a lock that she couldn't open because of fire safety, but I'd put a camera.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Omg whhhhhyyyy did you buy this house? It’s essentially going to turn into a nightmare of unnecessary trauma for your DD bc all she’ll remember is how excited she was to get this lovely bedroom and how you prevented her from having it for no reason at all and then took it a step further to destroy and rip out all the things she loved about it rather than let her enjoy it!
That is next level cruelty imo.

Why not just let her have the extra smaller room as a playroom for now and a study/guest room layer?
The sneaking out thing would absolutely never have crossed my mind for a 9 year old. And if she does that even once, then seal up the door. Problem solved!


You have got to be a troll, or a spoiled person. Or it's Friday not and you're Drunk Responding.


Really?
How do you think you might feel, Op, if your DH showed you a beautiful home that had a gorgeous master bedroom with spacious master bath that you’ve always dreamed of, and as soon as you started planning aloud about all the ways in which you were looking forward to decorate it, he stopped you and said “oh no no no, sweetie that room isn’t for you. I thought we’d just keep that room for when my mother visits. We can have the bedroom in the basement!”


You are not responding to OP. I'm a DP you're responding to. I just back OP. There is no comparing an adult in a main bedroom to a child in a kid's room. I think you are seeing this through some trauma lens of your own childhood.


Maybe.
But from OPs description I think I could probably pass on my trauma lens to ther DD bc it honestly sounds like she specifically wants to withhold this from her daughter simply because she wants it so much.
And what’s more, she wants to take it a step further and knock out the builtins that made the room attractive to DD in the first place. So yes to me it reads as “no you can’t have this dreamy room that you love that no one else is going to be using…and also I’m going to go ahead and destroy all the things about that room that make you love it. Because fair is fair.”
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Each kid gets one of the smaller rooms, and the big room becomes a TV room, study, something of a common room.

Can you pull the girl built ins and install them in a reduced portion to one of the small rooms? Or make one of the small ones cute and girly?

Sounds like DH is trying to create an entitled princess.


This. No way in heck would I give a child a bedroom with a door to the outside. I actually turned down a house that had a New Orleans style balcony for this exact reason - I didn’t want kid bedrooms to have exterior doors, on a balcony level or otherwise. I was a teenager once, I know it’s a bad idea.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Omg whhhhhyyyy did you buy this house? It’s essentially going to turn into a nightmare of unnecessary trauma for your DD bc all she’ll remember is how excited she was to get this lovely bedroom and how you prevented her from having it for no reason at all and then took it a step further to destroy and rip out all the things she loved about it rather than let her enjoy it!
That is next level cruelty imo.

Why not just let her have the extra smaller room as a playroom for now and a study/guest room layer?
The sneaking out thing would absolutely never have crossed my mind for a 9 year old. And if she does that even once, then seal up the door. Problem solved!


You have got to be a troll, or a spoiled person. Or it's Friday not and you're Drunk Responding.


Really?
How do you think you might feel, Op, if your DH showed you a beautiful home that had a gorgeous master bedroom with spacious master bath that you’ve always dreamed of, and as soon as you started planning aloud about all the ways in which you were looking forward to decorate it, he stopped you and said “oh no no no, sweetie that room isn’t for you. I thought we’d just keep that room for when my mother visits. We can have the bedroom in the basement!”


You are not responding to OP. I'm a DP you're responding to. I just back OP. There is no comparing an adult in a main bedroom to a child in a kid's room. I think you are seeing this through some trauma lens of your own childhood.


Maybe.
But from OPs description I think I could probably pass on my trauma lens to ther DD bc it honestly sounds like she specifically wants to withhold this from her daughter simply because she wants it so much.
And what’s more, she wants to take it a step further and knock out the builtins that made the room attractive to DD in the first place. So yes to me it reads as “no you can’t have this dreamy room that you love that no one else is going to be using…and also I’m going to go ahead and destroy all the things about that room that make you love it. Because fair is fair.”


I am the PP who you or someone is accusing me of being OP but isn't, and the PP of the comment you are responding to. I get your point. But I see it through the lens of the appearance of playing favorites and creating a sense of entitlement. In one of my responses I said make one of the small bedrooms really cute and girly.

My guess based on the description is this was not a bedroom originally and was converted. I had a house that was beautiful and seen repeatedly (I renovate and resell houses) and the only one I couldn't sell quickly was the one that had a bedroom that had easy access to the outside. Sneaking out, yes, but easier to get in unnoticed as well. Finally sold the house to a childless couple.

Moreover, to say to DS that you'll get the room when DD leaves for college might just make it so he can't wait for her to leave. Why create that potential friction.

The fact is there never should have been an expectation that DD would get the big room with a door to the outside.
Anonymous
I grew up with a bedroom more than twice the size my brother's. We moved in when we were 3 and 5, and my mother said "show me which bedroom you want" and we each ran to different ones.

One time when we were around 10/11 and 12/13 my brother and I made a bet and if I lost I had to switch rooms with him. I lost. We switched. Two months later he asked to switch back. He said "I don't know what you do with all that space!"

You're both agreeing the girl doesn't get the big bedroom now. So there's no problem. You're borrowing future troubles. Maybe she'll grow out of wanting the big bedroom. Maybe she'll beg for boarding school for HS and will agree she should have the small room since she's home so infrequently. Maybe a thousand things.
Anonymous
I agree that OP's idea should have been the joint plan from the start. But since it isn't, let DD have the room and seal off the door so it no longer opens.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I grew up with a bedroom more than twice the size my brother's. We moved in when we were 3 and 5, and my mother said "show me which bedroom you want" and we each ran to different ones.

One time when we were around 10/11 and 12/13 my brother and I made a bet and if I lost I had to switch rooms with him. I lost. We switched. Two months later he asked to switch back. He said "I don't know what you do with all that space!"

You're both agreeing the girl doesn't get the big bedroom now. So there's no problem. You're borrowing future troubles. Maybe she'll grow out of wanting the big bedroom. Maybe she'll beg for boarding school for HS and will agree she should have the small room since she's home so infrequently. Maybe a thousand things.


Right there is an example that it was percolating in DS's mind that he didn't get the big bedroom. Then he got it and didn't like it. But how many kids make bets, lose and get what they want?
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I agree that OP's idea should have been the joint plan from the start. But since it isn't, let DD have the room and seal off the door so it no longer opens.


For fire code, there must then be a working window.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I agree that OP's idea should have been the joint plan from the start. But since it isn't, let DD have the room and seal off the door so it no longer opens.


For fire code, there must then be a working window.


I mean……I kind of hope the big girly bedroom has a working window in addition to this door.
Anonymous
If DD wants the bigger room because it is girly, I’d let her choose the paint, curtains, accessories for one of the same-size bedrooms to make it look however she wants, and use the larger room for more of a multipurpose room (playroom/study/guest bedroom/etc.). I think that would satisfy most 9 year olds.
Anonymous
A kid can handle disappointment, you just need to be clear and firm. Agree with your husband that you and he can revisit this in a few years, BUT he must also agree to present a united front to your daughter that she’s not getting the big room, ever. It’s better to give her this clear answer and let it be a pleasant surprise if it ever changes. It’s torture to keep her holding on and wondering for years.

Make a plan with your daughter to decorate her room, and do something like the girly built ins if that can be done.

Personally I don’t think a child should have a bedroom that lets out to the street.
Anonymous
Board up the door when she’s old enough to sneak out. Or raise her right so she knows better.
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