DD wants the big bedroom, but I don’t want to give it to her & DH not backing me up

[Anonymous]

We’re moving into a new house that has three children’s bedrooms. Two are identical to each other and okay in size, while the third is almost double the size. They all have built-in furniture, and the third bedroom is done in a very girly way. We have a DD9 and a DS4, and my DD9 is clamoring for the large, girly bedroom. I don’t want to give it to her for a variety of reasons -

1. Fairness. DS4 is little now, but he might get upset when he’s older that DD has a much bigger bedroom
2. Safety. The girly bedroom has its own door that goes to the driveway. Practically speaking, it’s not that much harder to sneak out of the house from one of the other bedrooms, but I think giving her this room is just asking for trouble in her teen years
3. Practical use. The girly bedroom is big enough to be used in other ways, such as a guest room or play room for when they have their friends over, whereas the two smaller ones are suitable only for being children’s bedrooms.

DH has agreed not to give DD the girly room now, but has told her that maybe she can have it when she’s older, which I’m not okay with for #2 above. He thinks I’m being unnecessarily paranoid in advance, whereas I think I’m being realistic. What does DCUM think, paranoid or realistic?

Also, I’m thinking that if I can get DH on board with not giving DD the girly bedroom, we should just rip out the girly built-ins, which is what makes the room so attractive to her, as much as I hate ripping out built-ins unnecessarily. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

I'd give her the room she wants. Lock the darn door, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd give her the room she wants. Lock the darn door, OP.

OP here. So my reasons against aren’t valid? I can see some people not finding my first two reasons compelling, but how about #3?

[Anonymous]

Omg whhhhhyyyy did you buy this house? It’s essentially going to turn into a nightmare of unnecessary trauma for your DD bc all she’ll remember is how excited she was to get this lovely bedroom and how you prevented her from having it for no reason at all and then took it a step further to destroy and rip out all the things she loved about it rather than let her enjoy it!
That is next level cruelty imo.

Why not just let her have the extra smaller room as a playroom for now and a study/guest room layer?
The sneaking out thing would absolutely never have crossed my mind for a 9 year old. And if she does that even once, then seal up the door. Problem solved!

[Anonymous]

Each kid gets one of the smaller rooms, and the big room becomes a TV room, study, something of a common room.

Can you pull the girl built ins and install them in a reduced portion to one of the small rooms? Or make one of the small ones cute and girly?

Sounds like DH is trying to create an entitled princess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Each kid gets one of the smaller rooms, and the big room becomes a TV room, study, something of a common room.

Can you pull the girl built ins and install them in a reduced portion to one of the small rooms? Or make one of the small ones cute and girly?

Sounds like DH is trying to create an entitled princess.

OP, I should have added that I completely agree with you on all points.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd give her the room she wants. Lock the darn door, OP.

OP here. So my reasons against aren’t valid? I can see some people not finding my first two reasons compelling, but how about #3?

That would have been fine if you had “packaged” and presented it that way from the time you walked through the house with your kids. You could have said “…and this lovely room is the guest room that you and your brother can use as a play room when we don’t have guests!” But you didn’t set this up well, OP.
Moving homes is a big life change for a 9 year old. She needs something to get excited about! Why didn’t you want her to have that???
You seem rigid and punitive.

[Anonymous]

Do not rip out the built ins. Just say it’s a guest room/multi purpose room. Who cares if your four year old might be jealous in the future. Be nice to your daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Omg whhhhhyyyy did you buy this house? It’s essentially going to turn into a nightmare of unnecessary trauma for your DD bc all she’ll remember is how excited she was to get this lovely bedroom and how you prevented her from having it for no reason at all and then took it a step further to destroy and rip out all the things she loved about it rather than let her enjoy it!
That is next level cruelty imo.

Why not just let her have the extra smaller room as a playroom for now and a study/guest room layer?
The sneaking out thing would absolutely never have crossed my mind for a 9 year old. And if she does that even once, then seal up the door. Problem solved!

You have got to be a troll, or a spoiled person. Or it's Friday not and you're Drunk Responding.

[Anonymous]

I would not worry about fairness. DD is five years older, she gets the bigger bedroom. When she goes to college DS will be 13 and he can move into the big bedroom then. That's how it worked in my family growing up anyway.

I wouldn't really worry about #2 either -- you say yourself she could sneak out just as easily from the other rooms. I agree with your DH this seems unnecessarily paranoid.

For #3, I think it depends on whether you really need the room for those other uses or not. Is it a big house that already has a lot of space for them to play, basement, family room, etc? Or is it a small house where maximizing every square foot matters?

[Anonymous]

I am not OP, but I am stunned that anyone thinks OP isn't in the right. And DH is an ass for not fully supporting DW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not worry about fairness. DD is five years older, she gets the bigger bedroom. When she goes to college DS will be 13 and he can move into the big bedroom then. That's how it worked in my family growing up anyway.

I wouldn't really worry about #2 either -- you say yourself she could sneak out just as easily from the other rooms. I agree with your DH this seems unnecessarily paranoid.

For #3, I think it depends on whether you really need the room for those other uses or not. Is it a big house that already has a lot of space for them to play, basement, family room, etc? Or is it a small house where maximizing every square foot matters?

PP here again. Also, how big are the small rooms? Are they really too small to be a guest room? How much space do guests need? To my mind it seems a shame to save the room your daughter really wants for guests to use only occasionally, while she'd enjoy it every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Omg whhhhhyyyy did you buy this house? It’s essentially going to turn into a nightmare of unnecessary trauma for your DD bc all she’ll remember is how excited she was to get this lovely bedroom and how you prevented her from having it for no reason at all and then took it a step further to destroy and rip out all the things she loved about it rather than let her enjoy it!
That is next level cruelty imo.

Why not just let her have the extra smaller room as a playroom for now and a study/guest room layer?
The sneaking out thing would absolutely never have crossed my mind for a 9 year old. And if she does that even once, then seal up the door. Problem solved!

You have got to be a troll, or a spoiled person. Or it's Friday not and you're Drunk Responding.

Really?
How do you think you might feel, Op, if your DH showed you a beautiful home that had a gorgeous master bedroom with spacious master bath that you’ve always dreamed of, and as soon as you started planning aloud about all the ways in which you were looking forward to decorate it, he stopped you and said “oh no no no, sweetie that room isn’t for you. I thought we’d just keep that room for when my mother visits. We can have the bedroom in the basement!”

[Anonymous]

I knew a family who put the 2 boys in tiny rooms and the only daughter in a big room with a private bathroom, canopy bed, phone (she was in second grade) vanity with princess chair. The dad insisted. It was like the mom always had to compete with the daughter for Dad's affection. I was in 3rd grade and she was my best friend. Even then I thought it was super weird. Boys clearly didn't rate in that family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not OP, but I am stunned that anyone thinks OP isn't in the right. And DH is an ass for not fully supporting DW.

I actually don’t believe that you are “not OP”