DD wants the big bedroom, but I don’t want to give it to her & DH not backing me up

Anonymous
If the kid wants out bad enough she’ll just use a window.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I would not worry about fairness. DD is five years older, she gets the bigger bedroom. When she goes to college DS will be 13 and he can move into the big bedroom then. That's how it worked in my family growing up anyway.

I wouldn't really worry about #2 either -- you say yourself she could sneak out just as easily from the other rooms. I agree with your DH this seems unnecessarily paranoid.

For #3, I think it depends on whether you really need the room for those other uses or not. Is it a big house that already has a lot of space for them to play, basement, family room, etc? Or is it a small house where maximizing every square foot matters?


Totally agree. I can’t believe this is giving you so much heartburn. Younger kid gets a nicer house for a whole lot longer than your DD so no big deal that she gets the bigger bedroom. And she wants it so much whereas your DS doesn’t seem to care. It just seems unnecessarily mean to refuse her request.
Anonymous
I'd let her have the big bedroom until college and then let DS have it. No need to waste the big room and guests don't need much space.

Figure out how to secure the door so it can only be used in a fire.
Anonymous
This is OP, thanks to everyone for your replies, some of you gave me ideas I hadn’t thought about! To respond to a few points -

- The smaller bedrooms wouldn’t work as guest rooms, they’re pretty narrow and would fit only a full-sized bed at best.

- It’s a good-sized house, but limited on # rooms. Also, I’m not thinking of using the third bedroom only for guests; I’d have the kids use it as their shared space the 95% of the time that we don’t have guests.

- I’m not an evil mom who wants to traumatize DD by ripping out the girly built-ins lol. The built-ins only work for bedroom use and I was thinking they’d be a sore reminder to her of how much she wanted the room for herself. And I figured it’d make more sense to completely redo the room to fit the use, i.e. guest/playroom.

- I said from the get-go that DD would not get the girly bedroom. But DD kept asking, and DH eventually said well, maybe.

I really appreciate the suggestions, I’m going to see if we can somehow rework some of the girly built-ins in one of the smaller bedrooms. But if we can’t, and DD doesn’t get over not getting the bigger bedroom, I’ll suggest to her redoing her room the way she wants. I think she would be THRILLED, and this would be a great compromise.
Anonymous
1) it’s ok for things not to be completely fair. It’s not unusual for an older child to get a bigger bedroom.

2) seems crazy to me to subscribe sneaking out behavior to a 9 year old. If she becomes the type to sneak out as a teen, the bedroom she has will not stop her.

3) why does it make sense to have a nicer room as a guest room that will be used less than a bedroom that will be used daily? Even a playroom isn’t going to be used as much as a bedroom and kids want to play on the same level as you are on, so basement and 2nd level playrooms never get used as much as you think it will.
Anonymous
New poster here. I am with OP on this one. Each kid gets one of the smaller rooms. The big bedroom becomes guest room and a multi purpose room for the children so that they can get common public space.

Parents who do not treat their children with the same degree of equality create unnecessary sibling rivalry and resentment/. Also, having an outside door not only lets your DD sneak outdoors but people can break into her room easily.
Anonymous
i would give kids equal bedroom and use the other room as you wish. playroom, guest room, multi purpose room, etc..
Anonymous
Give her the big bedroom. Girls hang out with their friends in their room much more than boys - doing hair and makeup and chatting. My teenage son hardly ever hangs out with his friends in his room. When they are both teens, your daughter can hang out with her friends in her room and your son will hang out in the main areas. Why would you keep a big room open for guests?!? Instead of giving it to the person who will need it most and wants it most?? I think you are being a jerk and none of your reasons are valid. Find a way to lock the door.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:New poster here. I am with OP on this one. Each kid gets one of the smaller rooms. The big bedroom becomes guest room and a multi purpose room for the children so that they can get common public space.

Parents who do not treat their children with the same degree of equality create unnecessary sibling rivalry and resentment/. Also, having an outside door not only lets your DD sneak outdoors but people can break into her room easily.


This

And make sure the kids know that it’s is both a guest room and common space and that when guests are there, they are not entitled to go in
Anonymous
I have 3 children and all were born in this house, but we did give my oldest the biggest room. It only seemed fair. When she’s in college, my youngest will be in 7th grade and can change if she wishes. My middle child is a boy and had the middle sized room. It’s hard to be the oldest and have to share so much, but your kids aren’t super close in age so maybe they don’t bicker the way my two oldest do.

I think people aren’t siding with you because you don’t have definite plans for this room. If you said originally that you needed it to be a joint office/ guest room that would be fine. Although I personally would put guests in the smaller room. I like a playroom on the first floor. Girly built ins sound special.
Anonymous
I'm with OP. Why does being older grant you a larger room? That's the kind of thing that breeds unnecessary resentment.

OP, do what you want. Your DD is 9 and will not be traumatized by this. Your husband needs to grow a spine where your DD is concerned. All the PPs arguing with you are the reason there are so many entitled brats in the world.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Omg whhhhhyyyy did you buy this house? It’s essentially going to turn into a nightmare of unnecessary trauma for your DD bc all she’ll remember is how excited she was to get this lovely bedroom and how you prevented her from having it for no reason at all and then took it a step further to destroy and rip out all the things she loved about it rather than let her enjoy it!
That is next level cruelty imo.

Why not just let her have the extra smaller room as a playroom for now and a study/guest room layer?
The sneaking out thing would absolutely never have crossed my mind for a 9 year old. And if she does that even once, then seal up the door. Problem solved!


Omg. There is a Grand Canyon-sized gulf between "disappointment about not getting a big pink bedroom" and childhood trauma.

Holy god.

This is not trauma, no more than not getting a car bought for you at 16 or not getting your parents to pay for a Beach Week house for you or not getting the newest IPhone just when it comes out.

Personally, I'd be fine with giving the kid the room EXCEPT for the exterior door thing, which I think I would want more security on, not for sneaking out at night but because I'd feel a bit anxious about it from a security perspective. I'd lean more to give her the room because it might as well be used, because I have bigger priorities than re-painting and pulling out built ins, and because the son can inherit the room when she goes to college.

But to avoid "trauma"? No. Ridiculous.
Anonymous
Security would be my concern. Are you in a safe area? Can you wire it with the alarm? That would solve security and sneaking out.
Anonymous
What are "girly built ins"? Please explain!
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:We’re moving into a new house that has three children’s bedrooms. Two are identical to each other and okay in size, while the third is almost double the size. They all have built-in furniture, and the third bedroom is done in a very girly way. We have a DD9 and a DS4, and my DD9 is clamoring for the large, girly bedroom. I don’t want to give it to her for a variety of reasons -

1. Fairness. DS4 is little now, but he might get upset when he’s older that DD has a much bigger bedroom
2. Safety. The girly bedroom has its own door that goes to the driveway. Practically speaking, it’s not that much harder to sneak out of the house from one of the other bedrooms, but I think giving her this room is just asking for trouble in her teen years
3. Practical use. The girly bedroom is big enough to be used in other ways, such as a guest room or play room for when they have their friends over, whereas the two smaller ones are suitable only for being children’s bedrooms.

DH has agreed not to give DD the girly room now, but has told her that maybe she can have it when she’s older, which I’m not okay with for #2 above. He thinks I’m being unnecessarily paranoid in advance, whereas I think I’m being realistic. What does DCUM think, paranoid or realistic?

Also, I’m thinking that if I can get DH on board with not giving DD the girly bedroom, we should just rip out the girly built-ins, which is what makes the room so attractive to her, as much as I hate ripping out built-ins unnecessarily. WWYD?



I think you are 100% correct and valid about the concern of sneaking out/sneaking in; in regards to the future.

But this is pretty far off, and you could perhaps mitigate it with surveillance cams set up pointing the door, outside of course.

As for your son being jealous. I mean, take a picture of how girly it is right now and then also point out that she is quite a few years older. And then mention that once she moves out he could have it—i feel like that combination can completely solve that issue?

As for the other thing… i dunno. A “play room” is essentially just an optional space that a lot of families don’t have so any unused room really could be turned into a playroom.


As for the guestroom part… Like yean I guess that’s valid but honestly how much room does a short-term guest really need? Like if this was someone staying for an extended period of time I could understand… but just an occasional guestroom really doesn’t need a ton of space.

It’s not like people are unpacking all of their belongings and need a place to put them?..

Just take extra precautions regarding the door to the driveway and I feel like giving her the big girly bedroom is NBD.

Just my two cents.
post reply Forum Index » General Parenting Discussion
Message Quick Reply
Go to: