Reply to Marriage not great-taking 5 day trip with DH to work on it

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My marriage is not in a great place. We have 2 kids, ages 5 and 7.

DH and I are supposed to go on a vacation together, just the two of us, next week.

The thing is, we don’t fight. We are just really living parallel lives and rarely interact. We don’t have sex anymore (DH’s choice-not mine).

I would love to improve the relationship but I don’t see how it’s possible. DH is extremely avoidant, to the point that it’s hard to have any kind of real conversation with him. He just refuses to engage or yes’s me to death and never follows through with what we agree on.

I guess I’m not sure how to approach this time together. We don’t do date nights and have had sex fewer than 10 times in the last 5 years. I don’t expect that DH will be open to sex. I’d like to try and talk to him, but I’m worried it will create bad feelings and then we are stuck on this trip together while miserable. [b]I do have massive amounts of disappointment in our marriage and anger. I’d like things to get better but I’m afraid if we talk about our marriage, then I’ll get caught up in my anger.[/b]

We are pretty good at just coexisting on a superficial level and that tends to be our default. Should I just roll with that?

I should mention we are both also exhausted and burnt out and if nothing else we need sleep and rest.[/quote]

He seems unwilling to change and you seem unwilling to end the marriage. So you need solo therapy for yourself to learn how to accept him for who he is and resign yourself to the state of your marriage (or learn techniques to improve the marriage, through modifying your own behavior not his). All of that resentment and anger is not good. You need to acknowledge to yourself that you are actively making the decision to stay with him despite his faults, and be at peace with that.

I would suggest making this a fun, pleasant trip. No hard discussions. Be light and superficial. Don’t put too much on the agenda. Rest and sleep can work wonders on mental health. [/quote]

NP. PP makes such a profound point that I believe will be key to moving forward and managing your overwhelming anger and resentment. It really sounds like you have done everything possible to improve your marriage, and he’s a brick wall; he does not have the capacity for connection. It is not going to happen. Ever.

So here’s what PP says that really resonated: you need to acknowledge that you are actively making the choice to stay with him (and I mean this as a positive, not a negative, in this context). So while he is immovable, mute, even useless to you and the kids beyond his income and literal physical presence, stuck in his status quo in perpetuity, **you always have a choice, and have the ability to exercise it every day.** Hopefully that can give you some peace, in a paradoxical way.

It sounds like he would be blindsided if you left, which further reflects his absolute cluelessness…and the way you describe it indicates perhaps neurodivergence or just a different wiring of his brain, rather than active/willful avoidance (are there any clues in his childhood or family of origin? Was he different when you married, or was he always like this, to some degree?). So I worry a bit about his mental health if you leave him; he is checked out, yet dependent on you to structure a “normal” life and connect with the outside world. I suspect you’re right that you would end up with primary custody.

So I agree with PP - go away with the goal of resting and relaxing. I guess you can see if you and your DH can connect outside of the context of the grind of daily life, but I’d approach it with curiosity rather than hope. Take care of your own mind and body and give yourself the care and attention that is lacking in your relationship.

Enjoy your vacation!

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