My sister just does not get it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ll also point out, OP, that likely this sister spent a lot of time and money doing whatever activities, showers, wedding plans, etc you had even if it wasn’t super convenient for her. She now wants to celebrate herself - super generously to you, I might add - and you aren’t willing to make any concessions. I mean, really, you won’t go on an allexpense paid trip to HAWAII? Your kids are not old enough to give two hoots if they “miss time with friends” this summer and even if they were that wouldn’t prioritize over this trip for me.

My kids are two young, but there's a third sister with older kids and they will be the ones not wanting to miss time with friends and their activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ll also point out, OP, that likely this sister spent a lot of time and money doing whatever activities, showers, wedding plans, etc you had even if it wasn’t super convenient for her. She now wants to celebrate herself - super generously to you, I might add - and you aren’t willing to make any concessions. I mean, really, you won’t go on an allexpense paid trip to HAWAII? Your kids are not old enough to give two hoots if they “miss time with friends” this summer and even if they were that wouldn’t prioritize over this trip for me.

My kids are two young, but there's a third sister with older kids and they will be the ones not wanting to miss time with friends and their activities.

*too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me start by saying she's a nice person, and my oldest and my other sister's kids love her, but she's soon to be 40, single, makes good money and no kids so she just doesn't understand things.


Like she just asked if my sister and I would be interested in doing a summer trip with the family, she's thinking of Italy, and Spain. Australia or New Zealand or we could go to Hawaii if we wanted to stay in the States. She's going to pay for everything including two nannies for us. She just wants to do something special for her birthday, and we haven't traveled as a family in years. She doesn't get that as a mom of a 3-year-old and a 8 month old this trip wouldn't be relaxing for me, or our sister with older kids She doesn't get that our nieces and nephew have activities and maybe want to do camps or hang out with friends and not aunts for half the summer. Her solution when I mentioned this was that she'd hire some nannies to give us a break and could hire someone to help us pack. I can tell she was disappointed when I said no, I don't like disappointing her, but I wish she could just be a little more realistic sometimes.

Show some grace. She's lonely and realizing what she missed out in life. Try to turn a conversation to something you can do to show her some family attention that fits better into your life. Maybe a local getaway to a luxury cabin, and some nice restaurants with a babysitter for the kids?

[Anonymous]

Why don’t you suggest just doing a trip with her and your other sister, leave the kids at home, and do a splashy girls trip?

[Anonymous]

My family would have JUMPED at the opportunity, OP! Our parents and cousins live in Europe and Asia, so my kids were on planes at an early age.

Your sister is fabulous! It's a pity she has a wet mop for a sister...

[Anonymous]

You are insane! Go on the trip!! We took multiple international trips when our kids were babies and toddlers and elementary school age, it is so so worth it! Soooo much easier than now, when they are moody tweens/teens who want to be glued to their devices 24/7 and hang with friends and give us attitude about every little thing. Seriously 3yo and 8m are perfect for a trip like this! We went to Paris when the kids were that age and it was magical.

[Anonymous]

I have a 16 year old and a 12 year old who would happily fly to Europe or Hawaii with extended family and not complain about missing their friends or activities. Summer swim isn’t that big a deal to anyone!
And, yes, they’ve been to Europe, headed back for spring break this year.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ll also point out, OP, that likely this sister spent a lot of time and money doing whatever activities, showers, wedding plans, etc you had even if it wasn’t super convenient for her. She now wants to celebrate herself - super generously to you, I might add - and you aren’t willing to make any concessions. I mean, really, you won’t go on an allexpense paid trip to HAWAII? Your kids are not old enough to give two hoots if they “miss time with friends” this summer and even if they were that wouldn’t prioritize over this trip for me.

My kids are two young, but there's a third sister with older kids and they will be the ones not wanting to miss time with friends and their activities.

*too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me start by saying she's a nice person, and my oldest and my other sister's kids love her, but she's soon to be 40, single, makes good money and no kids so she just doesn't understand things.


Like she just asked if my sister and I would be interested in doing a summer trip with the family, she's thinking of Italy, and Spain. Australia or New Zealand or we could go to Hawaii if we wanted to stay in the States. She's going to pay for everything including two nannies for us. She just wants to do something special for her birthday, and we haven't traveled as a family in years. She doesn't get that as a mom of a 3-year-old and a 8 month old this trip wouldn't be relaxing for me, or our sister with older kids She doesn't get that our nieces and nephew have activities and maybe want to do camps or hang out with friends and not aunts for half the summer. Her solution when I mentioned this was that she'd hire some nannies to give us a break and could hire someone to help us pack. I can tell she was disappointed when I said no, I don't like disappointing her, but I wish she could just be a little more realistic sometimes.

Have you calmly and politely explained to her the reasons it would not be realistic? She may not have thought out the logistics. Some people seem to think a baby is like a baby doll, you just pick it up, take it anywhere, change a diaper, give a bottle and it remains content. If she truly doesn't get it and tries to make you feel bad, I would detach with love a bit. Do things your family can handle, but just accept she is limited in empathy for things she has not experienced and don't feel responsible for her feelings.

I have tried, but she still doesn't seem to understand why just having a nanny isn't a solution for little ones who will be out of routine and cranky and just want mom on a trip. But based on the responses some moms are fine just passing the kids off in this scenario so there's that. And no I don't hate my sister. I'm actually trying to think of away to celebrate with her that doesn't involve an big international trip. I just hate being in the position of having to say no.

Passing kids off? We get it, you're the bestest mommy in the whole martyr kingdom. But really you just don't get it. You want to rub it in her face how "happy" you are with your family and pathetic she is for still being single. Also, you've never traveled like this so how would you know how it would go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me start by saying she's a nice person, and my oldest and my other sister's kids love her, but she's soon to be 40, single, makes good money and no kids so she just doesn't understand things.


Like she just asked if my sister and I would be interested in doing a summer trip with the family, she's thinking of Italy, and Spain. Australia or New Zealand or we could go to Hawaii if we wanted to stay in the States. She's going to pay for everything including two nannies for us. She just wants to do something special for her birthday, and we haven't traveled as a family in years. She doesn't get that as a mom of a 3-year-old and a 8 month old this trip wouldn't be relaxing for me, or our sister with older kids She doesn't get that our nieces and nephew have activities and maybe want to do camps or hang out with friends and not aunts for half the summer. Her solution when I mentioned this was that she'd hire some nannies to give us a break and could hire someone to help us pack. I can tell she was disappointed when I said no, I don't like disappointing her, but I wish she could just be a little more realistic sometimes.

Have you calmly and politely explained to her the reasons it would not be realistic? She may not have thought out the logistics. Some people seem to think a baby is like a baby doll, you just pick it up, take it anywhere, change a diaper, give a bottle and it remains content. If she truly doesn't get it and tries to make you feel bad, I would detach with love a bit. Do things your family can handle, but just accept she is limited in empathy for things she has not experienced and don't feel responsible for her feelings.

I have tried, but she still doesn't seem to understand why just having a nanny isn't a solution for little ones who will be out of routine and cranky and just want mom on a trip. But based on the responses some moms are fine just passing the kids off in this scenario so there's that. And no I don't hate my sister. I'm actually trying to think of away to celebrate with her that doesn't involve an big international trip. I just hate being in the position of having to say no.

I’m one of the ones who would jump at this and it’s not a question of passing my kids off — I would go on this kind of trip without the nannies although it would also be nice to have a few nights a week to go out for adult only dinners. But I love travelling and my kids are pretty chill I guess. There’s nothing wrong with saying this wouldn’t be fun for you but please don’t imply it’s just because you’re a parent of young children — that’s not a universal fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you suggest just doing a trip with her and your other sister, leave the kids at home, and do a splashy girls trip?

OP would never be separated from her precious babies for an afternoon, let alone a girls trip with her pathetic spinster sister.

[Anonymous]

I’d offer a suggestion of a trip that does sound doable. Would she be amenable to a beach house somewhere in the US? A resort? I think you can do this without traveling across the world. The flight to Aus/New Zealand is way too long.

Or what about the Azores? Somewhere with a direct flight. Work with her. She might not completely understand, but help her mold a trip everyone can be happy with. She’s trying.

[Anonymous]

What a remarkable, generous offer. Your sister is amazing!! And it’s not like she doesn’t understand the challenge of bringing kids along - that’s why she offered to pay for two nannies. If you can’t do it, that’s absolutely fine but the fact that you are COMPLAINING about her…OMG.

[Anonymous]

What if you plan a trip with just the sisters? It might need to be once the infant is a little older, but that could also be a way to meet in the middle.

I would not want to do this with a 3 month old and a toddler either. So I’m with you on that. Travel sucked at those ages even though I know some people don’t mind it.

Also remind her this season won’t last forever. My kids are 7 and 9 now and I have WAY more freedom (and am better rested) than I did 5 years ago. I’m able to work harder to reconnect with friends and be a better person outside my family.

[Anonymous]

Wow. You are either really, really clueless or a really bad troll.

[Anonymous]

I get both where OP is coming from and where some of the incredulous posters are coming from.

It's the kind of thing that sounds amazing but I see what OP is saying about the devil being in the details. Someone providing a nanny sounds great... unless you have a kid who gets extra clingy and suspicious of strangers when tired or out of routine. OP knows her kids and feels the trip would be really hard for her. As the mom to a kid on the spectrum who was pretty hard at those ages, I'm inclined to trust her instincts. Sometimes childcare isn't the solution you hope it will be because of your specific kid.

OP, is there any way you can talk her into a slightly shorter trip closer to home? A nice resort in Jamaica or Mexico? Or an Alaskan cruise? Something that might be easier on the kids and you but still scratch her itch for a big trip.