Young Professional DD Self Harm Event

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a child with mental health issues who has had several suicide attempts and hospitalizations as a child and adult. Here are my thoughts.

You will never get much information and you should stop speculating as to cause. You want cause to be simple but it never is. You likely will never understand.

You’re making this about you and what you want to do you need to step back and let it be about her. She will let you know if she wants you to meet boyfriend. She will let you know if it even is her boyfriend. And she will do it if and when she wants.

You want things to happen fast and on your plan. More about making it about you. You need to slow down and let her make the plan and the steps she wants when she is ready.

Thank you for sharing. I am so sorry to hear of your daughter’s struggles and the hard path you have shared.

I found your post helpful and I am grateful for your insights.

You are correct in that I have been speculating about cause, and wanting it to be simple. And thank you for helping me understand that is the wrong way to process this.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry, this is one of the hardest things to go through as a parent.

As posters have said, the first focus is on DD, not the boyfriend. Make sure she has the right supports coming out of this. This is serious.

Regarding her boyfriend, I would tell her you love her & anyone she chooses to be with. At this point, do not discourage the relationship. Be neutral on that, some of her distress may come from the push/pull she feels between her boyfriend & DW/DS. Encourage everyone to go neutral on that front. Be the safe space that loves her unconditionally, be open to meet BF if she wants, but don’t insist or push it. BF is just 1 part of her life. Don’t all focus on it & avoid other issues she is clearly struggling with.

[Anonymous]

I am not sure why you are associating your daughter’s boyfriend with whatever caused her self harm. Reading your first few sentences I assumed she had stress or anxiety over her job and that was possibly a caused her self harm. Have you asked your daughter if she struggling at work or with life after college graduation, which can be very different?

[Anonymous]

Find the best therapist you can and pay out of pocket.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry, this is one of the hardest things to go through as a parent.

As posters have said, the first focus is on DD, not the boyfriend. Make sure she has the right supports coming out of this. This is serious.

Regarding her boyfriend, I would tell her you love her & anyone she chooses to be with. At this point, do not discourage the relationship. Be neutral on that, some of her distress may come from the push/pull she feels between her boyfriend & DW/DS. Encourage everyone to go neutral on that front. Be the safe space that loves her unconditionally, be open to meet BF if she wants, but don’t insist or push it. BF is just 1 part of her life. Don’t all focus on it & avoid other issues she is clearly struggling with.

Agree primary focus needs to be on supporting your DD and getting her to a good place mentally and physically. But I do not think you can simply ignore the effect of the BF. That would be unwise.

You don't know everything about him, and he may indeed be a fine young man who is honestly just making his way in the world. Or he may not.

Your daughter sounds like she's been a straight-arrow and falling for a "bad boy" is a distinct possibility. He may have charmed her with his sad story, and now he has become controlling (including her money?) by saying he needs help with child support, etc. Perhaps your DD found out he has been lying to her and thus she became so upset she made a suicide attempt. Maybe he has threatened her/her job in some way. She may have felt trapped.

All I'm saying is as the days move forward, your most important message to her is that your entire family love her and are willing to help her in any way she needs it - and she should NOT be afraid or embarrassed to tell you, as your love for her is unconditional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure why you are associating your daughter’s boyfriend with whatever caused her self harm. Reading your first few sentences I assumed she had stress or anxiety over her job and that was possibly a caused her self harm. Have you asked your daughter if she struggling at work or with life after college graduation, which can be very different?

I have inquired although I do not believe I am always told the whole truth. My impression is that my DD is enjoying that early part of your career - experiencing success - recent promotion. Takes pride in her work and genuinely seems to enjoy her first professional job.

On the day of the event she was texting with DW and DD and had plans with DS to go out after work. We lost contact with her in the middle of the afternoon after active texting with family members. Medical professionals have expressed that she needs to learn coping skills to handle bad news and one intimated to my DW that it was related to a romantic relationship.

As I am learning by others sharing their insights I should not be focusing on the cause (which I was/am) and should focus on helping my DD get healthy which is one of the take-aways I have from this posting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure why you are associating your daughter’s boyfriend with whatever caused her self harm. Reading your first few sentences I assumed she had stress or anxiety over her job and that was possibly a caused her self harm. Have you asked your daughter if she struggling at work or with life after college graduation, which can be very different?

I have inquired although I do not believe I am always told the whole truth. My impression is that my DD is enjoying that early part of your career - experiencing success - recent promotion. Takes pride in her work and genuinely seems to enjoy her first professional job.

On the day of the event she was texting with DW and DD and had plans with DS to go out after work. We lost contact with her in the middle of the afternoon after active texting with family members. Medical professionals have expressed that she needs to learn coping skills to handle bad news and one intimated to my DW that it was related to a romantic relationship.

As I am learning by others sharing their insights I should not be focusing on the cause (which I was/am) and should focus on helping my DD get healthy which is one of the take-aways I have from this posting.

"I am not sure why you are associating your daughter’s boyfriend with whatever caused her self harm."

Because a medical professional stated so. There is a definitive nexus here between BF and DD. That fact cannot be ignored. The fact that DD has plans to go out with her brother after work is also significant. Perhaps BF expressed jealousy and made some sort of demand/ultimatum.

OP, while you certainly cannot control your adult daughter's relationships, neither can you ignore red flags and your gut instincts. Your family should be supportive of DD and encourage her to be honest and forthcoming about what her troubles are - you love her no matter what.

[Anonymous]

I would speak with a patient advocate at the hospital to figure out next steps. She probably needs to spend some time inpatient. The reason she attempted suicide is really not that important. She needs healthy coping skills and medication adjustment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a child with mental health issues who has had several suicide attempts and hospitalizations as a child and adult. Here are my thoughts.

You will never get much information and you should stop speculating as to cause. You want cause to be simple but it never is. You likely will never understand.

You’re making this about you and what you want to do you need to step back and let it be about her. She will let you know if she wants you to meet boyfriend. She will let you know if it even is her boyfriend. And she will do it if and when she wants.

You want things to happen fast and on your plan. More about making it about you. You need to slow down and let her make the plan and the steps she wants when she is ready.

I have a teen daughter with mental health issues. I cannot agree with this post enough.

You will never know the truth of the situation and even if you did you cannot fix it. Your first instinct is to make things worse. Try to fight that. She doesn't need you to add stress to her life. Taking or even offering to take her and her boyfriend out to dinner would probably be stressful for her. Giving her a restaurant gift card she can use as she pleases probably okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a child with mental health issues who has had several suicide attempts and hospitalizations as a child and adult. Here are my thoughts.

You will never get much information and you should stop speculating as to cause. You want cause to be simple but it never is. You likely will never understand.

You’re making this about you and what you want to do you need to step back and let it be about her. She will let you know if she wants you to meet boyfriend. She will let you know if it even is her boyfriend. And she will do it if and when she wants.

You want things to happen fast and on your plan. More about making it about you. You need to slow down and let her make the plan and the steps she wants when she is ready.

I have a teen daughter with mental health issues. I cannot agree with this post enough.

You will never know the truth of the situation and even if you did you cannot fix it. Your first instinct is to make things worse. Try to fight that. She doesn't need you to add stress to her life. Taking or even offering to take her and her boyfriend out to dinner would probably be stressful for her. Giving her a restaurant gift card she can use as she pleases probably okay.

Thank you for sharing.

I am sorry to hear of your daughter’s illness.

I will admit it is frustrating because I don’t know the right course of action and I will admit I didn’t see this coming.

My DW just got off the phone with my DW and the call sounded like one of their normal, every day calls. Very hard to parse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a child with mental health issues who has had several suicide attempts and hospitalizations as a child and adult. Here are my thoughts.

You will never get much information and you should stop speculating as to cause. You want cause to be simple but it never is. You likely will never understand.

You’re making this about you and what you want to do you need to step back and let it be about her. She will let you know if she wants you to meet boyfriend. She will let you know if it even is her boyfriend. And she will do it if and when she wants.

You want things to happen fast and on your plan. More about making it about you. You need to slow down and let her make the plan and the steps she wants when she is ready.

I have a teen daughter with mental health issues. I cannot agree with this post enough.

You will never know the truth of the situation and even if you did you cannot fix it. Your first instinct is to make things worse. Try to fight that. She doesn't need you to add stress to her life. Taking or even offering to take her and her boyfriend out to dinner would probably be stressful for her. Giving her a restaurant gift card she can use as she pleases probably okay.

Thank you for sharing.

I am sorry to hear of your daughter’s illness.

I will admit it is frustrating because I don’t know the right course of action and I will admit I didn’t see this coming.

My DW just got off the phone with my DW and the call sounded like one of their normal, every day calls. Very hard to parse.

That's also very normal and I understand how hard it is for you.

A lot of people have the wrong idea about suicide. For some people, it can actually be a very spontaneous decision. Your daughter had the urge yesterday for some reason which has now passed.

You and your wife might benefit from talking to a therapist who has experience in this scenario.

Don't put too much belief in what the hospital doctor said. The ER psych who saw my daughter was completely incompetent. I think he blamed the suicide attempt on divorce which was not remotely true.

She doesn't necessarily need inpatient treatment. It's something she can discuss with her therapist

[Anonymous]

"The ER psych who saw my daughter was completely incompetent. I think he blamed the suicide attempt on divorce which was not remotely true."

How do you know he was incompetent? Is it possible YOU don't really know what is true?

I think it is entirely plausible that a divorce could prompt a suicide attempt. I also think it's entirely plausible that a person wouldn't necessarily admit that to parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"The ER psych who saw my daughter was completely incompetent. I think he blamed the suicide attempt on divorce which was not remotely true."

How do you know he was incompetent? Is it possible YOU don't really know what is true?

I think it is entirely plausible that a divorce could prompt a suicide attempt. I also think it's entirely plausible that a person wouldn't necessarily admit that to parents.

My daughter's therapist and psychiatrist who had been seeing her for over a year disagreed with the ER doctor. My daughter was also completely confused by his line of questioning and thought he was nuts. I believe the department had a conversation about the bad care she received. I was advised to contact my daughter's psychiatrist or therapist for any future ER visits to avoid that situation again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am posting here for support and thoughts of others who may have traveled a similar road.

My DD is a recent college grad working in a professional capacity at a Fortune 100 firm.

Hard working student who graduated Phi Beta Kappa.

Never any indications of issues although there is a family history of mental health issues.

This past week she overdosed on anti-depressants but gratefully called an ambulance and is recuperating.

When I arrived at the ER she was in a room with my son and another young man that I did not recognize. When I arrived one of the medical folks stated that my DD could only have two quests so the young man got up and left. We were not introduced.

I mentioned to my my daughter that I was happy someone had come to support her and I apologized for not introducing myself to her friend.

While my daughter was in college she worked at a local restaurant and I suspected this might have been one of the young men that worked in the kitchen. My son stayed quiet.

In turns out unknown to me my daughter has been in a romantic relationship with this young man. My DW and two other children were aware of this relationship. My DW and other DD did not approve and made their feelings known. The young man is here illegally and does not speak any English. He did attend a local High School but dropped out. He is a cook in the restaurant and is paying child support for a child he recently learned was his purportedly from a one off sexual encounter with a local woman.

I am trying hard to keep an open mind as when I was young my family did not approve of my first girlfriend and that is not something I want to do to my children.

There is a lot to unpack. My DW and I are not being told much about my DW’s self harm event due to HIPPA. We are getting the sense from some of the medical professionals that her self harm event might have been brought on by events related to her romantic relationship.

Given the family history of mental health issues I am naturally quite concerned. And I do not want to risk my relationship with my daughter over her choice of partner.

My DW has shared with my DD some of the challenges her relationship will present - my daughter likes to travel and yet he cannot leave the country / my DD likes her professional career and it would be challenging to invite him to social work events. My DS met him but cannot communicate with him as he doesn’t speak Spanish.

I am trying hard not to be judgemental and realize most relationships among young people fizzle out. I do not have a time line but I believe the relationship has been one and off for two or three years.

My DS is open minded. He doesn’t care about the man’s SES but feels if the relationship brought my DD to self harm than the relationship is toxic.

I realize the issue may be my DD’s coping skills but I think my DS has a point.

I am of the mind that I would like to tell my daughter that I have learned of the relationship and would like to meet the young man. I also suggested to my wife that we should make him feel welcome in our home while sharing with our DD our concerns about the challenges they would face as life partners.

I will also admit that there is a part of my that wants to say WTF ??? but ironically up to this point I have trusted my daughter’s decisions because she has always been level headed and made good decisions.

I realize it’s a long post but really wanted to get some thoughts from folks.

Please no snark.

I'm an adult in my 40s but I have struggled with mental health issues since my college years. During the pandemic things got really bad and I had to be hospitalized for the first time in my life. I ended up limiting contact with my father because he really had no concept of mental illness or what I was struggling with and often made judgmental or "pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps" kinds of comments which was very triggering for me. The fact that your daughter told everyone in her family about her bf and not you definitely indicates that she doesn't feel safe opening up to you for some reason. I would suggest asking your wife what she thinks and also trying to educate yourself more on mental illness/depression. The way you write sounds very logical but depression is not logical. It's not something you can think yourself out of.

[Anonymous]

OP I think you are a good dad. Maybe the reason she didn’t tell you is because you’d be the only one who would disapprove openly and with good reason about the boyfriend. She only told people who would either approve or remain silent. Now you’re in a position where you can’t criticize him to her at all or you could trigger her into another suicide attempt?
What a terrible position as a parent to be in.
I’m not sure what I would do but keep telling her you love her. Listen if she talks to you. If she ever asks you for advice be honest with her. If she asks you for advice it’s because she knows you’ll tell her the hard things and if she asks you for advice she’s ready to hear them.
Strength and Grace to you and her.