Young Professional DD Self Harm Event
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Anonymous
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I am posting here for support and thoughts of others who may have traveled a similar road.
My DD is a recent college grad working in a professional capacity at a Fortune 100 firm. Hard working student who graduated Phi Beta Kappa. Never any indications of issues although there is a family history of mental health issues. This past week she overdosed on anti-depressants but gratefully called an ambulance and is recuperating. When I arrived at the ER she was in a room with my son and another young man that I did not recognize. When I arrived one of the medical folks stated that my DD could only have two quests so the young man got up and left. We were not introduced. I mentioned to my my daughter that I was happy someone had come to support her and I apologized for not introducing myself to her friend. While my daughter was in college she worked at a local restaurant and I suspected this might have been one of the young men that worked in the kitchen. My son stayed quiet. In turns out unknown to me my daughter has been in a romantic relationship with this young man. My DW and two other children were aware of this relationship. My DW and other DD did not approve and made their feelings known. The young man is here illegally and does not speak any English. He did attend a local High School but dropped out. He is a cook in the restaurant and is paying child support for a child he recently learned was his purportedly from a one off sexual encounter with a local woman. I am trying hard to keep an open mind as when I was young my family did not approve of my first girlfriend and that is not something I want to do to my children. There is a lot to unpack. My DW and I are not being told much about my DW’s self harm event due to HIPPA. We are getting the sense from some of the medical professionals that her self harm event might have been brought on by events related to her romantic relationship. Given the family history of mental health issues I am naturally quite concerned. And I do not want to risk my relationship with my daughter over her choice of partner. My DW has shared with my DD some of the challenges her relationship will present - my daughter likes to travel and yet he cannot leave the country / my DD likes her professional career and it would be challenging to invite him to social work events. My DS met him but cannot communicate with him as he doesn’t speak Spanish. I am trying hard not to be judgemental and realize most relationships among young people fizzle out. I do not have a time line but I believe the relationship has been one and off for two or three years. My DS is open minded. He doesn’t care about the man’s SES but feels if the relationship brought my DD to self harm than the relationship is toxic. I realize the issue may be my DD’s coping skills but I think my DS has a point. I am of the mind that I would like to tell my daughter that I have learned of the relationship and would like to meet the young man. I also suggested to my wife that we should make him feel welcome in our home while sharing with our DD our concerns about the challenges they would face as life partners. I will also admit that there is a part of my that wants to say WTF ??? but ironically up to this point I have trusted my daughter’s decisions because she has always been level headed and made good decisions. I realize it’s a long post but really wanted to get some thoughts from folks. Please no snark. |
Anonymous
| Your daughter attempted suicide. Anything other than that is a distraction at this point. Offer to help her get help in any way she's willing to accept and you can afford, like paying for out of network therapy or a partial hospitalization program or her rent while she seeks treatment. She deliberately didn't tell you about her boyfriend and the rest of the family didn't contradict her, probably anticipating the reaction you're currently having. Put the boyfriend out of your head at this point. It's not worth worrying about. Either they'll break up at some point, or they won't and this is your son-in-law and you might as well have a good relationship with him. But you'll only get to figure out which one it is if your daughter survives. Focus on getting her the help she needs to survive. |
Anonymous
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It's a bit extreme to jump to judge her boyfriend before you know anything.
If your whole family hid this relationship from you, maybe you haven't made your daughter feel safe in your life. Go to your daughter about what happened, and LISTEN |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
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Focus on getting her help/healthy.
There is no need for you to make decisions about that guy/relationship right now. Her therapist can untangle whether he is helpful or destructive. You don’t know enough to weigh in on that, and are not perceived as objective . Show her unconditional love and support. Make clear that you are proud of her and know that she has a bright future ahead of her. He is small potatoes. Focus on getting her to a better place. You almost lost her. Thank God, she is here for you to love. |
Anonymous
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Your priority needs to be providing adequate support to your daughter who is suffering a mental health crisis. That is going to mean talking to her and hearing her when she tells you what she needs. Period.
As far as the relationship goes: I've never seen open parental/family judgment regarding a romantic partner help anyone, and it can hurt just about everyone. If your DD is "working in a professional capacity at a Fortune 100 firm," she doesn't need you or her mother or brother or anyone else explaining to her what kind of challenges she might face with a partner she has been with, even if on-and-off, for years. You aren't going to tell her anything she doesn't already know. So I'd back off from this "share with our DD our concerns about the challenges they would face as life partners" stuff and just welcome him, assuming that is what your daughter wants you to do. As far as the relationship bringing her to the brink of suicide, that doesn't necessarily mean there is anything wrong with this young man. But you won't know anything about it unless you talk to your DD (and, potentially, him). |
Anonymous
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I say this as nicely as possible, but you are concentrating on the wrong thing. Your daughter tried to kill herself. And maybe they had a fight that was what pushed her over the edge, but a mentally healthy person does not attempt suicide over a fight. If this hadn't been the trigger, something else would have. Unless he's being abusive (which you did not mention) you need to drop all this about her relationship. That's not the issue. Her depression and other mental health issues are.
Also, depression and the like absolutely lead people to choose bad partners. Just get her healthy and then reevaluate the rest. And you and your wife should take pause to think about why no one told you about him. |
Anonymous
| You talk about a family history of mental health issues. She's on anti depressants! It doesn't matter if there is a family history, she's already been diagnosed. You sound so clueless and I think you and your spouse need to take a BIG step back because I can't imagine you are helping at all. |
Anonymous
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I am so sorry.
However this is not about your wants. Your DD is crying out for help. Listen say nothing at all. Just listen to her. |
Anonymous
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I have a child with mental health issues who has had several suicide attempts and hospitalizations as a child and adult. Here are my thoughts.
You will never get much information and you should stop speculating as to cause. You want cause to be simple but it never is. You likely will never understand. You’re making this about you and what you want to do you need to step back and let it be about her. She will let you know if she wants you to meet boyfriend. She will let you know if it even is her boyfriend. And she will do it if and when she wants. You want things to happen fast and on your plan. More about making it about you. You need to slow down and let her make the plan and the steps she wants when she is ready. |
Anonymous
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Sounds like an odd match. But there's no point in discussing it with her- she already knows the concerns you mentioned. Any intelligent person would be 100% aware of the issues around this pairing.
I'd try to get her help for her depression and leave the bf issue alone. Call me a cynic but I don't believe in loves conquers all etc. There is another reason she has decided to date someone who is frankly no where near her equal on so many levels. Dating someone like this to me is a sign of low self esteem. Illegal, can't tell people about him, a kid from a one night stand, etc? There is no way she (and him!) don't realize she could do much better. Hope she gets help. |
Anonymous
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I wouldn’t say a single thing about the boyfriend. I’ve only seen it make the girl defend the boy more. Make her decide on her own.
Besides, a lot of your points go away if they marry. He’d gain citizenship. |
Anonymous
This. Unless the boyfriend is abusing her just let them be. Focus on get mental health and supporting her. |
Anonymous
| I want to thank everyone for posting. Thank you. Please keep sharing your insights and perspectives. They are very helpful. |
Anonymous
Thank you. |