Reply to How should I deal with emotionally dismissive parents?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I need your wisdom.  I feel like wisdom can solve my relationship problems - I believe it but I don't have the wisdom yet.

I read that some parents are emotionally unavailable/dismissive.  I had sort of an Ah-Ha moment when I read that, this could explain a lot of the troubles I am having with my parents.  I know some parents are Narcissistic or don't really love their children, I don't think it is the case here.  I think my parents are raised in a way they see emotion as a weakness, or maybe the trauma they endured forced them to block out emotions, they learned to "just deal with it" in private.

Now if such [b]emotionally unavailable parent did something that really hurt your feelings, and you can't resolve this issue or move on with no resentment unless you have a heart-to-heart conversation with them, but these parents simply do not want to engage in such talk, what should you do?[/b]  To illustrate what I mean:

Me: mom, you really made me feel (rejected/shamed/hurt) when you did X
Mom: well, I did X because of (insert any reason/rational she has), now let's move on
me: mom, I am still really upset about it, (go on to explain why it bothers me)
Mom: For god sake, let it go, it's time to move past it.  I did (list things she did good for me)
Me: crying, can't you see that I am still very upset about it and I just want to talk about it
Mom: sigh, I don't know what to do, I tried, I (again, repeat her reason/rationale), I really tried, you can't still be upset about this, let it go
End of conversation and I feel even more rejected/shamed/hurt than before the conversation.

My question is:  [i]how can I effectively communicate with her in a way that she gets it? [/i] I understand she has some communication problems, but I can't solve that, I can only accept it and try to find a way to get my message through.  I need to express my feelings and feel heard, is this possible with emotionally dismissive parents?

[/quote]

The answer to the italicized is "you can't" and so the answer to the bolded is - you need to figure out a different plan, because your heart to heart isn't happening. That's not in your parents wheelhouse, as they've shown you over and over and over again. Why are you still beating your head against this particular wall?

Your parents are not emotionally supportive or engaged. They never will be. So - you need to focus on what YOU can control. Your options include:

-Lower your expectations of them. 
-Focus on the good parts of them and let the other stuff go.
-Find another source of feeling better (like expressing your feelings to a spouse or trusted friend who will hear you and/or validate your emotions)
-Spend less time with them.
-Set some boundaries, particularly if there are patterns to the hurtful behavior. For example, if Mom is fine in small doses but tends to lash out when she stays over, she should no longer be welcome to spend the night.

You can express your feelings, like with your first line ("mom, you really made me feel (rejected/shamed/hurt) when you did X") IF saying it out loud helps you to feel better, but you need to assume any response you get is going to be dismissive and you need to end the conversation there.

They. Will. Not. Get. It. 
Your path to freedom is to stop trying to change who they are.

For what it's worth I'm sympathetic, and I think they're emotionally stunted and that sucks for them and for you. I'm not saying that what they're doing is good or even okay - I'm just staying it ain't changing. [/quote]

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