How much do we owe our parents?

[Anonymous]

I don’t think the relevant question is what you owe them, the relevant question is what you’re willing to do for them.

There’s no ledger, no judge, and no jury. It’s just you and what you want to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:May be helpful to learn about filial responsibility laws.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Filial_responsibility_laws#:~:text=Filial%20responsibility%20laws%20(filial%20support,is%20extended%20to%20other%20relatives.

I meant more from an ethical perspective, especially since many states don’t even have familial responsibility laws, and some that do, never enforce them.

Friend of mine's mother lives in a state with filial laws, as does his sibling. They warned him that they plan to go after the sibling because the mother is refusing to sell her home so her daughter, who is financially strapped, can have an inheritance. The state sees the elder as being pressured.

They can - and will - go after you. On the other hand, nothing in these states protects YOU from going bankrupt being forced to pay for elderly who never planned.

What you said makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

Do we owe them nothing after they spent X years providing food, clothing, shelter, healthcare, etc., or does that obligate us to do the same for them?

[Anonymous]

As someone caring for my parents-but not full time-I think you just have to do whatever you're capable of, and are ok with.

In my case, I see them daily, but I work full time and am still raising a child, so it's not like I can quit working. I need my insurance and retirement. We just recently got an aide to help Dad shower and give Mom some respite (he needs more but at least they've agreed to start with this). I'm not home during the day so could not help with these tasks. They also pay a landscaper to do the lawn-I was trying to keep up with theirs and mine and it was too much.

I see them daily, drive them places not local (mom drives but it's best if I navigate out of town), go to 'big' dr appts, am there if dad is hospitalized (happens sometimes), do home repairs/maintenance (clean gutters, change bulbs, clean garage ect). My adult kids are a big help too, by their own choice-they are close to my parents.

But I could never afford to pay for long term care or anything like that. I have to think about my own retirement and my kids, including the minor with sn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely nothing. They chose to have children. The children did not choose to be born or to be raised by them.

You are a vile ingrate. May your kids park you to rot in an old age home.

[Anonymous]

Will do any and everything we can do them. For my in-laws also. Thankfully, my family has always taken care of the older generation.
We have a place in our home that can be a in-law suite. They will stay with us.

[Anonymous]

I owe mine nothing. I recently was abused by my ex and they not only never checked in on me to see if I was ok or needed anything, but continued corresponding with my ex over me. I cut them off and started therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do we owe our parents when they get older? Does it depend on what they did for us as kids? Their own needs? Financially, emotionally, logistical support? Do we owe them to have them live in our home, when they need care? Does the decision depend on how much they were willing to do for their own parents? I am asking myself those questions - and don’t have the answers?

I will just remind those of you with children, that they are watching and learning how to treat their elders from you. And one day, they will be walking in the shoes you are walking in.

That being said, you don't owe your parents anything. You do for them because you want to, with love, not because you are obliged to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me there was no doubt or question about wanting to take care of my elderly mother. Fortunately, my father had provided for her sufficiently to enable me to provide the kind of care that she deserved. For me I do the best that I can for the people I care about. I do recommend having boundaries so that the responsibility does not overwhelm your own needs and other responsibilities. That can be a tough balancing act. I was fortunate that my kids were grown before she needed a lot of my attention. I recognize that people with an unhappy upbringing will feel differently.

Taking care is a very vague term. I would say most people take care of their elderly parents in one way or another. My question was more specific - what do you do and what do you feel obligated to do? Take them into your home, take them to Dr appointments, wash them, clothe them, feed them? Or have them in their own home and just supervise caregivers and visit a few times a week? Both are vastly different levels of care but both qualify are “taking care.”

My parents are getting to that stage right now. I feel obligated to make sure they are taken care of but I'm not doing any of the physical work nor would I ever take them into my home. None of my siblings or I are physically doing any of it because we all live hours to a 5 hr flight away. Among my siblings and I we spent the greater part of last year moving them out of their (incredibly cluttered) home and into a senior living community. We found someone that goes to Dr's appointments with them and reports back to us since my parents get confused. We are not paying for any of it-parents have saved enough to be able to live for a good 20+ more years in the facility they are in (they're 80). We have also pretty much taken over oversight of their finances. Dad still does the day to day bill paying but we have access to and can view their accounts any time.

Basically we're throwing money at the problem because they have to money to do so. If they didn't my answers would be very different.

[Anonymous]

My parents are wonderful and I owe them so much. They are in excellent shape financially and they are in good health in their early 70’s. They have no desire to be a burden on us so they have already put a deposit down on a retirement place with graduated care. They may not use it for ten years but they are making smart moves. It’s close to where we live which is ideal for us. I’m sure at some point they will need some help managing their finances but I will be prepared to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You do what you want for them out of love. There is an element of obligation, but mostly you do based on the unconditional love we feel for our parents.

This is the answer. The fact that you’re asking shows me that the relationship has strains that are testing this.

I mirror taking care of my parents for my children. I hope that they’ll do the same for me and dh when we are old.

It is a huge burden that usually falls on one of the siblings more than the other for various reasons but we can all contribute in our way.

Getting old sucks!

[Anonymous]

I think every single person has to find the right balance of what they can handle without feeling incredible resentment and burnout. There is no formula for what you owe. If your parents were genuinely loving, you will most likely want to do more.However, let's say with dementia that loving parent turns abusive. Do you make yourself physically and emotionally sick helping because you feel like you owe? No, you make sure that parent has proper care from hired help and you do the best you can to check on things without allowing abuse. It may even be you manage things from behind the scenes and make sure those who work with parent are pros at dealing with difficult behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:May be helpful to learn about filial responsibility laws.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Filial_responsibility_laws#:~:text=Filial%20responsibility%20laws%20(filial%20support,is%20extended%20to%20other%20relatives.

I meant more from an ethical perspective, especially since many states don’t even have familial responsibility laws, and some that do, never enforce them.

Friend of mine's mother lives in a state with filial laws, as does his sibling. They warned him that they plan to go after the sibling because the mother is refusing to sell her home so her daughter, who is financially strapped, can have an inheritance. The state sees the elder as being pressured.

They can - and will - go after you. On the other hand, nothing in these states protects YOU from going bankrupt being forced to pay for elderly who never planned.

This is a strange post. Who is they? I assume if the parent or someone else reported something to APS, there is an investigation. I have found from the experiences of people I was in a support group with, APS is pretty useless all around from making sure the elder is in a safe situation to getting involved when a family feels a member is taking advantage. I have not heard of any cases where someone shows up and expects you to go bankrupt paying for the elder. Just make sure you only look into care situations that fit your elder's financial situation and don't cosign or start paying for things you cannot afford to pay long term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do we owe them nothing after they spent X years providing food, clothing, shelter, healthcare, etc., or does that obligate us to do the same for them?

I posted already that for each person you figure out what works for you where you feel good helping, but don't get burned out, depleted resources or make yourself ill. That said, nobody chooses to be born. You parent is required to provide food, shelter and healthcare because they chose to have and keep you. Sure most of us want to help our parents, but we don't owe them something because they chose to have sex and give birth. I think the emotional part is key-did they go beyond food and shelter and really provide emotional stability? The more you felt loved and developed a secure attachment, the more you may want to be there and be involved and for some it truly is almost all gratifying other than the pain of seeing a parent decline. There are parents who provide above and beyond interms of food, shelter, financial stability, yet the household was abusive. There are people who grew up poor in abusive situations. There are so many situations and factors and even factors in the family we created that factor in. I think we all just have to figure out what we can do and handle. I am not of the mindset that we guilt trip eachother into you must do x, y and Z, though assuming there was no abuse, I think we do what we can to make sure the parent gets care. I would say we do what we can to ensure they are safe, but with so many parents insisting on aging in place, sometimes we have to let go of ensuring safety and just let them live on their terms even if the consequences are grim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely nothing. They chose to have children. The children did not choose to be born or to be raised by them.

I wonder what millennials think of this?

My parents did take care of me, and have done what they could for me. We are just entering the phase where my parents need help. I'm trying to figure out what I can do.