How much do we owe our parents?

[Anonymous]

What do we owe our parents when they get older? Does it depend on what they did for us as kids? Their own needs? Financially, emotionally, logistical support? Do we owe them to have them live in our home, when they need care? Does the decision depend on how much they were willing to do for their own parents? I am asking myself those questions - and don’t have the answers?

[Anonymous]

Absolutely nothing. They chose to have children. The children did not choose to be born or to be raised by them.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s unique to each child-parent relationship. If I’d had parents who nurtured and supported me, rather than actively sabotage my ability to grow and prosper in our world, I would feel fine supporting them in old age. However, my parents were very abusive and unsupportive, so I feel no obligation to care for them or their well-being as they get older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely nothing. They chose to have children. The children did not choose to be born or to be raised by them.

+10000 NOTHING.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think we necessarily owe them anything but I’ve become my moms default caregiver only because she literally has no one else. Thankfully she has the money for me to throw at her care, I’m not sure what I’d do if she didn’t. I just feel a personal obligation for her well-being but I’m not actually sure why.

[Anonymous]

May be helpful to learn about filial responsibility laws.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Filial_responsibility_laws#:~:text=Filial%20responsibility%20laws%20(filial%20support,is%20extended%20to%20other%20relatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:May be helpful to learn about filial responsibility laws.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Filial_responsibility_laws#:~:text=Filial%20responsibility%20laws%20(filial%20support,is%20extended%20to%20other%20relatives.

I meant more from an ethical perspective, especially since many states don’t even have familial responsibility laws, and some that do, never enforce them.

[Anonymous]

For me there was no doubt or question about wanting to take care of my elderly mother. Fortunately, my father had provided for her sufficiently to enable me to provide the kind of care that she deserved. For me I do the best that I can for the people I care about. I do recommend having boundaries so that the responsibility does not overwhelm your own needs and other responsibilities. That can be a tough balancing act. I was fortunate that my kids were grown before she needed a lot of my attention. I recognize that people with an unhappy upbringing will feel differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me there was no doubt or question about wanting to take care of my elderly mother. Fortunately, my father had provided for her sufficiently to enable me to provide the kind of care that she deserved. For me I do the best that I can for the people I care about. I do recommend having boundaries so that the responsibility does not overwhelm your own needs and other responsibilities. That can be a tough balancing act. I was fortunate that my kids were grown before she needed a lot of my attention. I recognize that people with an unhappy upbringing will feel differently.

Taking care is a very vague term. I would say most people take care of their elderly parents in one way or another. My question was more specific - what do you do and what do you feel obligated to do? Take them into your home, take them to Dr appointments, wash them, clothe them, feed them? Or have them in their own home and just supervise caregivers and visit a few times a week? Both are vastly different levels of care but both qualify are “taking care.”

[Anonymous]

I will care for my parents as they age because I love them, and it's the right thing to do. I saw them help their parents. They were good parents to me. They won't need financial help, but almost everyone who is lucky to live a long life needs other kinds of support in their final years. I feel much less devotion to my in-laws. They are divorced. One of them is a mooch; the other would only accept our help as a last resort, and I know DH will be there for her, and I'll support him in helping her.

[Anonymous]

You do what you want for them out of love. There is an element of obligation, but mostly you do based on the unconditional love we feel for our parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will care for my parents as they age because I love them, and it's the right thing to do. I saw them help their parents. They were good parents to me. They won't need financial help, but almost everyone who is lucky to live a long life needs other kinds of support in their final years. I feel much less devotion to my in-laws. They are divorced. One of them is a mooch; the other would only accept our help as a last resort, and I know DH will be there for her, and I'll support him in helping her.

As I said - the vast majority of will “care” for our parents. But there is an enormous range of what that term means. So just saying to “take care” doesn’t really mean anything.

[Anonymous]

OP - ask yourself, and answer for yourself

your situation will be unique to you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:May be helpful to learn about filial responsibility laws.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Filial_responsibility_laws#:~:text=Filial%20responsibility%20laws%20(filial%20support,is%20extended%20to%20other%20relatives.

I meant more from an ethical perspective, especially since many states don’t even have familial responsibility laws, and some that do, never enforce them.

Friend of mine's mother lives in a state with filial laws, as does his sibling. They warned him that they plan to go after the sibling because the mother is refusing to sell her home so her daughter, who is financially strapped, can have an inheritance. The state sees the elder as being pressured.

They can - and will - go after you. On the other hand, nothing in these states protects YOU from going bankrupt being forced to pay for elderly who never planned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:May be helpful to learn about filial responsibility laws.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Filial_responsibility_laws#:~:text=Filial%20responsibility%20laws%20(filial%20support,is%20extended%20to%20other%20relatives.

I meant more from an ethical perspective, especially since many states don’t even have familial responsibility laws, and some that do, never enforce them.

Friend of mine's mother lives in a state with filial laws, as does his sibling. They warned him that they plan to go after the sibling because the mother is refusing to sell her home so her daughter, who is financially strapped, can have an inheritance. The state sees the elder as being pressured.

They can - and will - go after you. On the other hand, nothing in these states protects YOU from going bankrupt being forced to pay for elderly who never planned.

I don’t live in such a state but I wonder who earned your friend? How was this warning related to them and by whom? I find this very weird, tbh. It will never affect me personally though.