How much do we owe our parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:May be helpful to learn about filial responsibility laws.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Filial_responsibility_laws#:~:text=Filial%20responsibility%20laws%20(filial%20support,is%20extended%20to%20other%20relatives.

I meant more from an ethical perspective, especially since many states don’t even have familial responsibility laws, and some that do, never enforce them.

Friend of mine's mother lives in a state with filial laws, as does his sibling. They warned him that they plan to go after the sibling because the mother is refusing to sell her home so her daughter, who is financially strapped, can have an inheritance. The state sees the elder as being pressured.

They can - and will - go after you. On the other hand, nothing in these states protects YOU from going bankrupt being forced to pay for elderly who never planned.

I don’t live in such a state but I wonder who earned your friend? How was this warning related to them and by whom? I find this very weird, tbh. It will never affect me personally though.

A visiting nurse

You’re not for real are you? Taking legal advice from a nurse? That’s why we should never take anything too seriously when we read it here or on other boards - most people don’t have enough common sense to vet their own sources. You took legal advice from a NURSE. Can’t make this up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do we owe our parents when they get older? Does it depend on what they did for us as kids? Their own needs? Financially, emotionally, logistical support? Do we owe them to have them live in our home, when they need care? Does the decision depend on how much they were willing to do for their own parents? I am asking myself those questions - and don’t have the answers?

I will just remind those of you with children, that they are watching and learning how to treat their elders from you. And one day, they will be walking in the shoes you are walking in.

That being said, you don't owe your parents anything. You do for them because you want to, with love, not because you are obliged to.

I agree with you. My kids are learning that my parents, who treated my husband and I with respect and love, starting in my childhood and continuing through today, have our support as the age, including financial (though not needed) and physical (if needed)

On the other hand, they know that my husband’s parent were neglectful throughout his life and abdicated their parental responsibilities beginning at a young age (probably 11 or so). FIL passed but MIL’s health is declining. We pay for her cell phone, occasional groceries and a cleaning service. But that is the extent of our obligations. She will never receive significant monetary or physical support. And she shouldn’t expect more, considering she refused to cancel her own vacation when her mother was dying, or return from said vacation early upon learning she passed.

My children learned that the way you treat people, even those with a familial bond, reflects how they will one day be treated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:May be helpful to learn about filial responsibility laws.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Filial_responsibility_laws#:~:text=Filial%20responsibility%20laws%20(filial%20support,is%20extended%20to%20other%20relatives.

I meant more from an ethical perspective, especially since many states don’t even have familial responsibility laws, and some that do, never enforce them.

Friend of mine's mother lives in a state with filial laws, as does his sibling. They warned him that they plan to go after the sibling because the mother is refusing to sell her home so her daughter, who is financially strapped, can have an inheritance. The state sees the elder as being pressured.

They can - and will - go after you. On the other hand, nothing in these states protects YOU from going bankrupt being forced to pay for elderly who never planned.

I don’t live in such a state but I wonder who earned your friend? How was this warning related to them and by whom? I find this very weird, tbh. It will never affect me personally though.

A visiting nurse

You’re not for real are you? Taking legal advice from a nurse? That’s why we should never take anything too seriously when we read it here or on other boards - most people don’t have enough common sense to vet their own sources. You took legal advice from a NURSE. Can’t make this up.

+1. If you read the case where someone successfully won under these laws, it’s always seems to be where an elderly person abdicated responsibility for a large bill where there were means to pay that bill. In one case, the elderly parent left a nursing home and then the country. In another it was where a property was sold to a son for a below market value. In both cases, the outstanding bills were over $100k.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:May be helpful to learn about filial responsibility laws.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Filial_responsibility_laws#:~:text=Filial%20responsibility%20laws%20(filial%20support,is%20extended%20to%20other%20relatives.

I meant more from an ethical perspective, especially since many states don’t even have familial responsibility laws, and some that do, never enforce them.

Friend of mine's mother lives in a state with filial laws, as does his sibling. They warned him that they plan to go after the sibling because the mother is refusing to sell her home so her daughter, who is financially strapped, can have an inheritance. The state sees the elder as being pressured.

They can - and will - go after you. On the other hand, nothing in these states protects YOU from going bankrupt being forced to pay for elderly who never planned.

I don’t live in such a state but I wonder who earned your friend? How was this warning related to them and by whom? I find this very weird, tbh. It will never affect me personally though.

A visiting nurse

You’re not for real are you? Taking legal advice from a nurse? That’s why we should never take anything too seriously when we read it here or on other boards - most people don’t have enough common sense to vet their own sources. You took legal advice from a NURSE. Can’t make this up.

Nurses are mandatory reporters. They report it as elder abuse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do we owe our parents when they get older? Does it depend on what they did for us as kids? Their own needs? Financially, emotionally, logistical support? Do we owe them to have them live in our home, when they need care? Does the decision depend on how much they were willing to do for their own parents? I am asking myself those questions - and don’t have the answers?

I will just remind those of you with children, that they are watching and learning how to treat their elders from you. And one day, they will be walking in the shoes you are walking in.

That being said, you don't owe your parents anything. You do for them because you want to, with love, not because you are obliged to.

I agree with you. My kids are learning that my parents, who treated my husband and I with respect and love, starting in my childhood and continuing through today, have our support as the age, including financial (though not needed) and physical (if needed)

On the other hand, they know that my husband’s parent were neglectful throughout his life and abdicated their parental responsibilities beginning at a young age (probably 11 or so). FIL passed but MIL’s health is declining. We pay for her cell phone, occasional groceries and a cleaning service. But that is the extent of our obligations. She will never receive significant monetary or physical support. And she shouldn’t expect more, considering she refused to cancel her own vacation when her mother was dying, or return from said vacation early upon learning she passed.

My children learned that the way you treat people, even those with a familial bond, reflects how they will one day be treated.

I applaud and agree with your approach. But, there might come a time when taking the high road with your MIL, certainly not to an extreme, could also be a life lesson for your children. She is their grandmother if even a lousy one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:May be helpful to learn about filial responsibility laws.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Filial_responsibility_laws#:~:text=Filial%20responsibility%20laws%20(filial%20support,is%20extended%20to%20other%20relatives.

I meant more from an ethical perspective, especially since many states don’t even have familial responsibility laws, and some that do, never enforce them.

Friend of mine's mother lives in a state with filial laws, as does his sibling. They warned him that they plan to go after the sibling because the mother is refusing to sell her home so her daughter, who is financially strapped, can have an inheritance. The state sees the elder as being pressured.

They can - and will - go after you. On the other hand, nothing in these states protects YOU from going bankrupt being forced to pay for elderly who never planned.

I don’t live in such a state but I wonder who earned your friend? How was this warning related to them and by whom? I find this very weird, tbh. It will never affect me personally though.

A visiting nurse

You’re not for real are you? Taking legal advice from a nurse? That’s why we should never take anything too seriously when we read it here or on other boards - most people don’t have enough common sense to vet their own sources. You took legal advice from a NURSE. Can’t make this up.

+1. If you read the case where someone successfully won under these laws, it’s always seems to be where an elderly person abdicated responsibility for a large bill where there were means to pay that bill. In one case, the elderly parent left a nursing home and then the country. In another it was where a property was sold to a son for a below market value. In both cases, the outstanding bills were over $100k.

I am thinking it’s best to transfer the assets before using any long term or expensive care

[Anonymous]

My parents didn’t really take good care of their parents, except I think my mother did care for her dad for a short time when he got cancer of which he died.
My brother is great at doing an equal share. We dropped the ball on our late mother a bit but she was extremely difficult and refused what was needed and demanded all types of crazy things from us.
Our dad is sweet and we are moving him from abroad to be closer to one of us (we live on the opposite coasts).
He is in good shape physically but he will need financial help (was self sufficient back home) and probably a lot of help dealing with day to day. I hope to get him some in home care through the state as he doesn’t have anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:May be helpful to learn about filial responsibility laws.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Filial_responsibility_laws#:~:text=Filial%20responsibility%20laws%20(filial%20support,is%20extended%20to%20other%20relatives.

I meant more from an ethical perspective, especially since many states don’t even have familial responsibility laws, and some that do, never enforce them.

Friend of mine's mother lives in a state with filial laws, as does his sibling. They warned him that they plan to go after the sibling because the mother is refusing to sell her home so her daughter, who is financially strapped, can have an inheritance. The state sees the elder as being pressured.

They can - and will - go after you. On the other hand, nothing in these states protects YOU from going bankrupt being forced to pay for elderly who never planned.

I don’t live in such a state but I wonder who earned your friend? How was this warning related to them and by whom? I find this very weird, tbh. It will never affect me personally though.

It doesn't matter where *you* live. What matters is the state the parents live in, and whether that state has filial responsibility laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:May be helpful to learn about filial responsibility laws.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Filial_responsibility_laws#:~:text=Filial%20responsibility%20laws%20(filial%20support,is%20extended%20to%20other%20relatives.

I meant more from an ethical perspective, especially since many states don’t even have familial responsibility laws, and some that do, never enforce them.

Friend of mine's mother lives in a state with filial laws, as does his sibling. They warned him that they plan to go after the sibling because the mother is refusing to sell her home so her daughter, who is financially strapped, can have an inheritance. The state sees the elder as being pressured.

They can - and will - go after you. On the other hand, nothing in these states protects YOU from going bankrupt being forced to pay for elderly who never planned.

I don’t live in such a state but I wonder who earned your friend? How was this warning related to them and by whom? I find this very weird, tbh. It will never affect me personally though.

It doesn't matter where *you* live. What matters is the state the parents live in, and whether that state has filial responsibility laws.

Correct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do we owe our parents when they get older? Does it depend on what they did for us as kids? Their own needs? Financially, emotionally, logistical support? Do we owe them to have them live in our home, when they need care? Does the decision depend on how much they were willing to do for their own parents? I am asking myself those questions - and don’t have the answers?

I will just remind those of you with children, that they are watching and learning how to treat their elders from you. And one day, they will be walking in the shoes you are walking in.

That being said, you don't owe your parents anything. You do for them because you want to, with love, not because you are obliged to.

+1
this exactly
one of the things I am continued to be surprised about in raising my children is how much they absorb and internalize by just watching my and my husband's actions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely nothing. They chose to have children. The children did not choose to be born or to be raised by them.

You suck. You are a terrible terrible person. You absolutely suck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:May be helpful to learn about filial responsibility laws.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Filial_responsibility_laws#:~:text=Filial%20responsibility%20laws%20(filial%20support,is%20extended%20to%20other%20relatives.

I meant more from an ethical perspective, especially since many states don’t even have familial responsibility laws, and some that do, never enforce them.

Friend of mine's mother lives in a state with filial laws, as does his sibling. They warned him that they plan to go after the sibling because the mother is refusing to sell her home so her daughter, who is financially strapped, can have an inheritance. The state sees the elder as being pressured.

They can - and will - go after you. On the other hand, nothing in these states protects YOU from going bankrupt being forced to pay for elderly who never planned.

I don’t live in such a state but I wonder who earned your friend? How was this warning related to them and by whom? I find this very weird, tbh. It will never affect me personally though.

A visiting nurse

You’re not for real are you? Taking legal advice from a nurse? That’s why we should never take anything too seriously when we read it here or on other boards - most people don’t have enough common sense to vet their own sources. You took legal advice from a NURSE. Can’t make this up.

+1. If you read the case where someone successfully won under these laws, it’s always seems to be where an elderly person abdicated responsibility for a large bill where there were means to pay that bill. In one case, the elderly parent left a nursing home and then the country. In another it was where a property was sold to a son for a below market value. In both cases, the outstanding bills were over $100k.

I am thinking it’s best to transfer the assets before using any long term or expensive care

Make sure you are aware of the "look back" rules before transferring any assets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely nothing. They chose to have children. The children did not choose to be born or to be raised by them.

You suck. You are a terrible terrible person. You absolutely suck.

You don’t know what kind of relationship PP has with his/her parents to form this opinion.

I am really tired of posters presuming their relationship with their parents is in any way indicative of another person’s relationship.

Adult children have a right to undertake actions that limit dependence of bad people based on past actions. Even if that bad person is family Children who survived physical or mental abuse, neglect, alcoholism, drug abuse, etc are under no obligation to allow someone to re-inflect that behavior simply because they old and they share blood.

So stop telling people they suck without attempting to gain an understanding of why someone hold these views about a family member. Stop making people feel bad for protecting their own physical and mental well being (and likely that of their own spouse/children).

Empathy works both ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do we owe our parents when they get older? Does it depend on what they did for us as kids? Their own needs? Financially, emotionally, logistical support? Do we owe them to have them live in our home, when they need care? Does the decision depend on how much they were willing to do for their own parents? I am asking myself those questions - and don’t have the answers?

I will just remind those of you with children, that they are watching and learning how to treat their elders from you. And one day, they will be walking in the shoes you are walking in.

That being said, you don't owe your parents anything. You do for them because you want to, with love, not because you are obliged to.

+1
this exactly
one of the things I am continued to be surprised about in raising my children is how much they absorb and internalize by just watching my and my husband's actions

Agree. And sometimes that means teaching your children that they have a right to sever relationships with those who hurt them.

I don’t think people with good relationships with stable parents ask what their obligations are; it’s those with a tumultuous history with their parents that typically struggle with these questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely nothing. They chose to have children. The children did not choose to be born or to be raised by them.

You suck. You are a terrible terrible person. You absolutely suck.

You don’t know what kind of relationship PP has with his/her parents to form this opinion.

I am really tired of posters presuming their relationship with their parents is in any way indicative of another person’s relationship.

Adult children have a right to undertake actions that limit dependence of bad people based on past actions. Even if that bad person is family Children who survived physical or mental abuse, neglect, alcoholism, drug abuse, etc are under no obligation to allow someone to re-inflect that behavior simply because they old and they share blood.

So stop telling people they suck without attempting to gain an understanding of why someone hold these views about a family member. Stop making people feel bad for protecting their own physical and mental well being (and likely that of their own spouse/children).

Empathy works both ways.

Well said.