How much do we owe our parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do we owe our parents when they get older? Does it depend on what they did for us as kids? Their own needs? Financially, emotionally, logistical support? Do we owe them to have them live in our home, when they need care? Does the decision depend on how much they were willing to do for their own parents? I am asking myself those questions - and don’t have the answers?

I will just remind those of you with children, that they are watching and learning how to treat their elders from you. And one day, they will be walking in the shoes you are walking in.

That being said, you don't owe your parents anything. You do for them because you want to, with love, not because you are obliged to.

My father watched his grandparents (living with him) suck up all his parents time/energy/patience/life. He decided not to be involved with his own parents aging. My mom watched how much her mom did and decided she needed to live as far away as possible so she could constantly have an excuse not to visit.

It is better to model healthy balance and boundaries for your kids. Yes, we help our parents, but our children, spouse and ourselves come first and we do not stress out the family for a challenging elder. They need to see that you can be there and not lose your mind. They need to see that the more difficult elders don't get to run the show. You also need to show them how to handle it if an elder becomes abusive with dementia. You don't allow abuse. You get the right care and you visit at the memory care with witnesses and make sure the medication is right. You can in advance and speak to the front desk to make sure the elder is in the right mood for the visit so your kids don't witness or experience abuse. You keep it short and sweet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do we owe our parents when they get older? Does it depend on what they did for us as kids? Their own needs? Financially, emotionally, logistical support? Do we owe them to have them live in our home, when they need care? Does the decision depend on how much they were willing to do for their own parents? I am asking myself those questions - and don’t have the answers?

I mean, how kind are you? Either they raised a good person or they did not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Will do any and everything we can do them. For my in-laws also. Thankfully, my family has always taken care of the older generation.
We have a place in our home that can be a in-law suite. They will stay with us.

+1 My in-laws are no longer alive, but if my parents (probably just my mom) need a place to stay, they are more than welcome in our home. I have a lot in common with my mom and I would enjoy it. I'm the eldest daughter, but my husband also grew up with his grandmother in his house for about a decade.

[Anonymous]

There is what you legally owe them, e.g. the filial responsibility laws.

There are the societal and cultural expectations about how elders are looked after.

There are the ethical obligations you feel as a result of how they raised you, whether they were kind or abusive etc.

There is what you want to do as a result of your own innate feelings of love, affection and duty.

Then there is the question of how things actually play out - e.g. ending up rich or impoverished, needing 20 years of worsening and violent dementia vs. dying quietly in their sleep at home.

I think these are some of the key factors at work. For me, my parents were not perfect but they were very loving and did their best. I don't think they would want me to look after them full time, but I would make sure they are well cared for, spending money if necessary and as much time as I can spare from work and my own family. But I live in another country now so that makes things harder.

[Anonymous]

Nothing....Everything.

[Anonymous]

I think you “repay” pay them based on your upbringing. If you grew up in a dysfunctional HH that has scarred you I don’t believe you owe them much. If you grew up in loving HH where they invested in your future you do owe them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do we owe them nothing after they spent X years providing food, clothing, shelter, healthcare, etc., or does that obligate us to do the same for them?

There was never a meeting of the minds to create a contractual obligation between the parties. One of the parties was entirely helpless and had zero choice in the matter of coming into the equation because they didn't exist when the venture was embarked on. No contract, no obligation.

Parents are required to provide a base of material support because history taught us that we had to make that a matter of law, it was not an innate parental instinct. We cannot legislate that parents provide a base of emotional support, and that is why the world is full of damaged people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:May be helpful to learn about filial responsibility laws.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Filial_responsibility_laws#:~:text=Filial%20responsibility%20laws%20(filial%20support,is%20extended%20to%20other%20relatives.

I meant more from an ethical perspective, especially since many states don’t even have familial responsibility laws, and some that do, never enforce them.

Friend of mine's mother lives in a state with filial laws, as does his sibling. They warned him that they plan to go after the sibling because the mother is refusing to sell her home so her daughter, who is financially strapped, can have an inheritance. The state sees the elder as being pressured.

They can - and will - go after you. On the other hand, nothing in these states protects YOU from going bankrupt being forced to pay for elderly who never planned.

I don’t live in such a state but I wonder who earned your friend? How was this warning related to them and by whom? I find this very weird, tbh. It will never affect me personally though.

A visiting nurse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me there was no doubt or question about wanting to take care of my elderly mother. Fortunately, my father had provided for her sufficiently to enable me to provide the kind of care that she deserved. For me I do the best that I can for the people I care about. I do recommend having boundaries so that the responsibility does not overwhelm your own needs and other responsibilities. That can be a tough balancing act. I was fortunate that my kids were grown before she needed a lot of my attention. I recognize that people with an unhappy upbringing will feel differently.

Great for you. For those of us with broke parents and dysfunctional siblings, it’s much more complex

[Anonymous]

Except in extreme cases of abuse, everything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do we owe our parents when they get older? Does it depend on what they did for us as kids? Their own needs? Financially, emotionally, logistical support? Do we owe them to have them live in our home, when they need care? Does the decision depend on how much they were willing to do for their own parents? I am asking myself those questions - and don’t have the answers?

You owe nothing but if are a good person and love them then you do the best you can. Its not about guilt but care.

[Anonymous]

Me and my DH both have several siblings but only one on each side carries the whole weight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Me and my DH both have several siblings but only one on each side carries the whole weight.

I just spent nearly a decade doing elder care and can attest that this is the norm for care of elderly parents - one child ends up with the majority of the burden while others often criticize their choices/labors.

[Anonymous]

I’m willing to help and support parents and in-laws but would have difficulty letting any of them live with us. Not because I don’t love them or appreciate what they have done for us but because I know we would be incompatible living together. I need privacy and boundaries and would be sacrificing my emotional and physical wellbeing for them which I would not be able to accept. I can meet their physical needs with financial support, visit them, and still keep our relationship in tact. Living together would destroy our relationship which benefits no one.

[Anonymous]

My elderly narcissistic widowed mom did nothing to protect me from my verbally abusive, alcoholic father. It’s extremely difficult to now be expected to fulfill her every request.
I do what I can and when convenient for me.
I’m talking transporting her to near weekly medical appointments, grocery runs, and no kidding, manicure and beauty salon appointments. She lives in a continuing care community with on-site services.

I live an hour away, have a teenager, a husband and a job. My mom is entering the end stages of her life and is in denial; she expects every minor ache and pain or new symptom to be medicated away, diagnosed and treated, hence the weekly medical appointment. Fatigue? Must be treated and a reason for this diagnosed. (she’s 89). Nausea? Special foods must be procured. New medicine making her “feel weird” - will suddenly stop taking it.

I can’t continue to “help” her at this level and will not. She’s always been histrionic and attention-seeking.