Orphaned niece struggling to have a relationship with Dad

Anonymous
Her dad and stepmom sound horrible. This kid may never, ever have a relationship with them. This is her decision to make.

Assuming this kid is in college, I would strongly encourage her to utilize campus mental health resources to get some help. Not because she is “wrong,” but because we all can use a third party sounding board to talk through complicated family issues and boundaries. And I would gently remind her that you are not an unbiased resource. She need someone unbiased and not just you.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
This sounds like a made-up story, but the BIL and new wife sound awful.

These two adults should never have gotten married 9 months after the death of this teen's mother. Adolescence is a difficult time in itself, let alone if you lose a parent, and let alone if your parent remarried shortly after. The wife should understand that this is not something a young person can just bounce back from. The BIL owes his daughter a huge apology. Your niece needs therapy and a safe place free from people who will seek to set her up with her father and stepmother.

If you are not a troll, please support your niece. She will take years, YEARS, to come back from this.



This is a true story, I am not a troll. I've been dealing with this for several years now. My niece was in therapy, it helped to some degree. Until the remarriage, they had a good relationship. I cannot entirely blame the stepmom. She really did try to give her space. She encouraged BIL to spend more time with the girl. She stayed back when my niece said "I don't want you at my graduation". But I guess she reached her breaking point.


The space she should have given is not marry and move in with her dad within 9 months - which means that they were dating a few weeks? after her mom died. She did "stay back" during her graduation - she wasn't invited and wasn't entitled to be there.

As for you "dealing with this for years" - you can disengage from being the middle man. Stop being the go between and tell your BIL that you will no longer play that role. Continue to love your niece and support her decisions because it doesn't seem like she has a lot of that in her "family".
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Her dad and stepmom sound horrible. This kid may never, ever have a relationship with them. This is her decision to make.

Assuming this kid is in college, I would strongly encourage her to utilize campus mental health resources to get some help. Not because she is “wrong,” but because we all can use a third party sounding board to talk through complicated family issues and boundaries. And I would gently remind her that you are not an unbiased resource. She need someone unbiased and not just you.


Say what you want about grudges but we also say that it's okay to cut off toxic ppl. I'd literally never have anything to do with them for the rest of my life - and it would be healthy and happy without them.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am sorry that your BIL is an idiot who has married an idiot. Bringing in a new wife and kids after 9 months is an inappropriate parenting move and will damage his relationship with his daughter for the long term. I do not think anything can be fixed in the short term, and if your BIL is willing to let his wife draw this line (whatever his wife actually means), then he's a terrible father and a terrible person.

I would invite your niece, be as loving to her as you possibly can, and hope that things improve with time. Lots of time.


She is always welcome at our house, we all love her.


If you love her, then give her comfort, time, and space. Stop trying to "fix" this. Her relationship with her father is bad because he has made bad choices and she has asserted her boundaries. It is his problem to solve, not yours. And pressuring her will only alienate her from you-- that's a real step backward if you take the long-term view.

As for your BIL, tell him that he is on his own and can reach out to her directly. Ask him why he thinks making threats will result in a nice happy family Thanksgiving. And tell him "This is because you chose to remarry so soon. That was your choice and choices have consequences."
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
This sounds like a made-up story, but the BIL and new wife sound awful.

These two adults should never have gotten married 9 months after the death of this teen's mother. Adolescence is a difficult time in itself, let alone if you lose a parent, and let alone if your parent remarried shortly after. The wife should understand that this is not something a young person can just bounce back from. The BIL owes his daughter a huge apology. Your niece needs therapy and a safe place free from people who will seek to set her up with her father and stepmother.

If you are not a troll, please support your niece. She will take years, YEARS, to come back from this.



This is a true story, I am not a troll. I've been dealing with this for several years now. My niece was in therapy, it helped to some degree. Until the remarriage, they had a good relationship. I cannot entirely blame the stepmom. She really did try to give her space. She encouraged BIL to spend more time with the girl. She stayed back when my niece said "I don't want you at my graduation". But I guess she reached her breaking point.


The space she should have given is not marry and move in with her dad within 9 months - which means that they were dating a few weeks? after her mom died. She did "stay back" during her graduation - she wasn't invited and wasn't entitled to be there.

As for you "dealing with this for years" - you can disengage from being the middle man. Stop being the go between and tell your BIL that you will no longer play that role. Continue to love your niece and support her decisions because it doesn't seem like she has a lot of that in her "family".


This. Moving into someone's house is not giving them space! Come on.

Stepmom is a terrible person and a terrible parent, and the teen years with her own kids are going to be hellish. I think your niece is right to distance herself.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
This sounds like a made-up story, but the BIL and new wife sound awful.

These two adults should never have gotten married 9 months after the death of this teen's mother. Adolescence is a difficult time in itself, let alone if you lose a parent, and let alone if your parent remarried shortly after. The wife should understand that this is not something a young person can just bounce back from. The BIL owes his daughter a huge apology. Your niece needs therapy and a safe place free from people who will seek to set her up with her father and stepmother.

If you are not a troll, please support your niece. She will take years, YEARS, to come back from this.



This is a true story, I am not a troll. I've been dealing with this for several years now. My niece was in therapy, it helped to some degree. Until the remarriage, they had a good relationship. I cannot entirely blame the stepmom. She really did try to give her space. She encouraged BIL to spend more time with the girl. She stayed back when my niece said "I don't want you at my graduation". But I guess she reached her breaking point.


You are using words that affirm the wife's point of view. No, she shouldn't have a breaking point. What's she breaking about? Having a heart? Is that such a burden for her? Ridiculous. She's not the one who lost her mother during a pandemic then had a new family suddenly take her surviving parent's attention. What these adults did to your niece is awful, and it would be a relief to hear you write this down on this thread, because right now you don't seem like you fully understand the trauma she's been through.

The wife's mindset should be: however long it takes, my step-daughter is welcome in her father's house. If she wishes, I will treat her like my own child. If she pushes me away and wants time with her father without me and my kids, I will facilitate that. My goal is to help her get over her grief.

You have to tell your BIL and wife that they are out of line trying to put a timeline to grief. It doesn't work like that. They are the mature ones. They are supposed to be accommodating her, not the other way around.

Anonymous
This situation sounds a lot like what happened to my older family member. In her case, the stepmother was very unwelcoming and domineering from the start, and she felt unwelcome in her old family home. It really damaged her relationship with her father...until he eventually got divorced from the stepmother for unrelated reasons. (I guess the new wife's behavior toward his kids wasn't enough of a red flag?) So from my experience, the relationship with the father can be mended, a bit, but only if and when he makes more of an effort to repair it.
Anonymous
I am tired being caught in the middle. I feel bad for everyone. I don't mind having my niece spend the holidays with us, we get along really well, my kids adore her. At the same time, I feel like she can't hold a grudge against her dad and stepmom forever, it's not healthy.


How is what the adults have done, "healthy?"

OP, what is your relationship to the father?
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am sorry that your BIL is an idiot who has married an idiot. Bringing in a new wife and kids after 9 months is an inappropriate parenting move and will damage his relationship with his daughter for the long term. I do not think anything can be fixed in the short term, and if your BIL is willing to let his wife draw this line (whatever his wife actually means), then he's a terrible father and a terrible person.

I would invite your niece, be as loving to her as you possibly can, and hope that things improve with time. Lots of time.


She is always welcome at our house, we all love her.


I think that's really your answer then. If you don't want to be caught in the middle then tell your brother not to engage with you about this matter and that you won't pass along messages.
Anonymous
Stay out of it. Just keep loving her. Make her welcome in your home. Never comment on dad and his wife.
The niece needs time to process her mom's death and quick replacement. Might take years.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:This situation sounds a lot like what happened to my older family member. In her case, the stepmother was very unwelcoming and domineering from the start, and she felt unwelcome in her old family home. It really damaged her relationship with her father...until he eventually got divorced from the stepmother for unrelated reasons. (I guess the new wife's behavior toward his kids wasn't enough of a red flag?) So from my experience, the relationship with the father can be mended, a bit, but only if and when he makes more of an effort to repair it.


Sorry, this got a little complicated with two unnamed women! Basically, Stepmother was terrible, Daughter felt rejected, Father partially mended things once he divorced Stepmother.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
This sounds like a made-up story, but the BIL and new wife sound awful.

These two adults should never have gotten married 9 months after the death of this teen's mother. Adolescence is a difficult time in itself, let alone if you lose a parent, and let alone if your parent remarried shortly after. The wife should understand that this is not something a young person can just bounce back from. The BIL owes his daughter a huge apology. Your niece needs therapy and a safe place free from people who will seek to set her up with her father and stepmother.

If you are not a troll, please support your niece. She will take years, YEARS, to come back from this.



This is a true story, I am not a troll. I've been dealing with this for several years now. My niece was in therapy, it helped to some degree. Until the remarriage, they had a good relationship. I cannot entirely blame the stepmom. She really did try to give her space. She encouraged BIL to spend more time with the girl. She stayed back when my niece said "I don't want you at my graduation". But I guess she reached her breaking point.


You are using words that affirm the wife's point of view. No, she shouldn't have a breaking point. What's she breaking about? Having a heart? Is that such a burden for her? Ridiculous. She's not the one who lost her mother during a pandemic then had a new family suddenly take her surviving parent's attention. What these adults did to your niece is awful, and it would be a relief to hear you write this down on this thread, because right now you don't seem like you fully understand the trauma she's been through.

The wife's mindset should be: however long it takes, my step-daughter is welcome in her father's house. If she wishes, I will treat her like my own child. If she pushes me away and wants time with her father without me and my kids, I will facilitate that. My goal is to help her get over her grief.

You have to tell your BIL and wife that they are out of line trying to put a timeline to grief. It doesn't work like that. They are the mature ones. They are supposed to be accommodating her, not the other way around.



You're onto something. I think OP is the stepmother writing from the aunt's POV. Notice how much insight she has into the stepmother's thoughts even though that's the person she knows least well.

Ouch. She's not exactly getting the reaction she wanted.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
I am tired being caught in the middle. I feel bad for everyone. I don't mind having my niece spend the holidays with us, we get along really well, my kids adore her. At the same time, I feel like she can't hold a grudge against her dad and stepmom forever, it's not healthy.


How is what the adults have done, "healthy?"

OP, what is your relationship to the father?


We talk regularly. He is sad it has come this way. He won't outright say it but I think he married his new wife so that he wouldn't be alone. His daughter was growing up, it was clear she would not stay with him forever. He has known the woman for years, they were acquaintances, she was also a widow. He seems to have an OK relationship with her and her children. Maybe it's his midlife crisis. I personally think a longer courtship would've been more acceptable to all parties involved, including my niece.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
This sounds like a made-up story, but the BIL and new wife sound awful.

These two adults should never have gotten married 9 months after the death of this teen's mother. Adolescence is a difficult time in itself, let alone if you lose a parent, and let alone if your parent remarried shortly after. The wife should understand that this is not something a young person can just bounce back from. The BIL owes his daughter a huge apology. Your niece needs therapy and a safe place free from people who will seek to set her up with her father and stepmother.

If you are not a troll, please support your niece. She will take years, YEARS, to come back from this.



This is a true story, I am not a troll. I've been dealing with this for several years now. My niece was in therapy, it helped to some degree. Until the remarriage, they had a good relationship. I cannot entirely blame the stepmom. She really did try to give her space. She encouraged BIL to spend more time with the girl. She stayed back when my niece said "I don't want you at my graduation". But I guess she reached her breaking point.


The space she should have given is not marry and move in with her dad within 9 months - which means that they were dating a few weeks? after her mom died. She did "stay back" during her graduation - she wasn't invited and wasn't entitled to be there.

As for you "dealing with this for years" - you can disengage from being the middle man. Stop being the go between and tell your BIL that you will no longer play that role. Continue to love your niece and support her decisions because it doesn't seem like she has a lot of that in her "family".


This. Moving into someone's house is not giving them space! Come on.

Stepmom is a terrible person and a terrible parent, and the teen years with her own kids are going to be hellish. I think your niece is right to distance herself.


Exactly! And oh btw, while you're grieving please get to know your new brother and sister! What an incredibly selfish and hurtful thing to do to your child. I can't even fathom why OP is still in contact with BIL at all. Sounds like OP has gotten cozy with new wife and thinks that everyone should now just move on after "dealing with it for years" but OP literally has no reason to communicate with BIL or new wife if she didn't want to.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:She needs therapy. Dad remarrying note even a year after mom dies invalidates her whole sense of family.


100% this. Niece is old enough to realize that Stepmom was the AP and the stepmom being a jerk doesn't help the situation any. She doesnt get to demand niceness or she's out of the family after sleeping with the dad while married to her mom.
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