Orphaned niece struggling to have a relationship with Dad

[Anonymous]

I don't know if this is the right forum for this. My sister passed away during COVID. BIL remarried 9 months after her death. My niece has been having a very hard time with the whole remarriage and has completely shut down her father and stepmother. Until her HS graduation they all lived in the same house, with her not talking to them, not acknowledging them, there were many fights over this. She ignored her new stepbrother and stepsister too. She moved out of the house literally days after her HS graduation, stayed with us until it was time to move to the dorms. She blocked them everywhere, the only way they communicate with her is through us.

The holidays are coming. BIL reached out to her through me, to see if she can join them for Thanksgiving dinner. She refuses to. Her stepmother has had it with her and said, "if she is not coming, that's it, she is not part of this family, I am tired bending over backwards for someone who treats us like dirt".

I am tired being caught in the middle. I feel bad for everyone. I don't mind having my niece spend the holidays with us, we get along really well, my kids adore her. At the same time, I feel like she can't hold a grudge against her dad and stepmom forever, it's not healthy.

How can I kill 2 birds with one stone: have her repair the relationship with her father AND at the same time, make her feel comfortable and wanted?

[Anonymous]

She’s not an orphan. She has a father.

[Anonymous]

She's not an orphan. I'd insist she get therapy. She's obviously angry with her dad (which I get) and probably never got to properly mourn her mom. She needs help to work through her various emotions. Your role should just be a neutral safety place for her.

[Anonymous]

She is not orphaned. All you can do is support her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if this is the right forum for this. My sister passed away during COVID. BIL remarried 9 months after her death. My niece has been having a very hard time with the whole remarriage and has completely shut down her father and stepmother. Until her HS graduation they all lived in the same house, with her not talking to them, not acknowledging them, there were many fights over this. She ignored her new stepbrother and stepsister too. She moved out of the house literally days after her HS graduation, stayed with us until it was time to move to the dorms. She blocked them everywhere, the only way they communicate with her is through us.

The holidays are coming. BIL reached out to her through me, to see if she can join them for Thanksgiving dinner. She refuses to. Her stepmother has had it with her and said, "if she is not coming, that's it, she is not part of this family, I am tired bending over backwards for someone who treats us like dirt".

I am tired being caught in the middle. I feel bad for everyone. I don't mind having my niece spend the holidays with us, we get along really well, my kids adore her. At the same time, I feel like she can't hold a grudge against her dad and stepmom forever, it's not healthy.

How can I kill 2 birds with one stone: have her repair the relationship with her father AND at the same time, make her feel comfortable and wanted?

You can’t. And candidly, someone who remarries 9 months after death of her mom to someone as callous as the new stepmom sounds is not really a relationship that the niece needs to prioritize while she is still deeply mourning. Your BIL sounds profoundly selfish and your niece, who is the teenager/child here, is obviously still deep in mourning.

The stepmother sounds like a truly awful person and for your own sake I would keep your distance.

[Anonymous]

She needs therapy. Dad remarrying note even a year after mom dies invalidates her whole sense of family.

[Anonymous]

I mean, her dad really did a number on her there by bringing a bunch of strangers into their house so soon after her mom’s death. Her “stepmother” is happy to cut her off.
I don’t think there is anything to repair unfortunately. It would be good to try to make sure she at least gets some inheritance when the time comes and it doesn’t all go to the new family?
I would be mad on her behalf OP

[Anonymous]

You can't do any of the things you have stated as goals, OP, you are not your niece or her father.

She is NOT an orphan, she has a father.

Given the speed of the remarriage and the presence of multiple kids, is the assumption that there was an affair prior to your sister's death?

Is her father paying for all of her expenses?

Whole family should be in family therapy. Is the SM hoping to make the estrangement permanent? Even a divorce with a very fast remarriage and other kids would have been very difficult for a teen girl. But so quickly after losing her mom, her reaction was a given. Why not attempts to get professional help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's not an orphan. I'd insist she get therapy. She's obviously angry with her dad (which I get) and probably never got to properly mourn her mom. She needs help to work through her various emotions. Your role should just be a neutral safety place for her.

All of this.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like a made-up story, but the BIL and new wife sound awful.

These two adults should never have gotten married 9 months after the death of this teen's mother. Adolescence is a difficult time in itself, let alone if you lose a parent, and let alone if your parent remarried shortly after. The wife should understand that this is not something a young person can just bounce back from. The BIL owes his daughter a huge apology. Your niece needs therapy and a safe place free from people who will seek to set her up with her father and stepmother.

If you are not a troll, please support your niece. She will take years, YEARS, to come back from this.

[Anonymous]

You can't repair anything. You can offer SOLICITED advice and encourage therapy.

She is not an orphan. I do not blame her for how she's acting after her mother's death. Her dad is a real loser for his actions that will most definitely have a lifetime impact on his daughter. And how dare the stepmother start issuing ultimatums and doesn't even know the daughter for what - a grieving year? They both suck. Through therapy she will learn to heal - but that doesn't automatically mean that a repaired relationship with her father will be the outcome. It will be repairing the relationship with herself and sense of security and what family means and will mean to her in adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This sounds like a made-up story, but the BIL and new wife sound awful.

These two adults should never have gotten married 9 months after the death of this teen's mother. Adolescence is a difficult time in itself, let alone if you lose a parent, and let alone if your parent remarried shortly after. The wife should understand that this is not something a young person can just bounce back from. The BIL owes his daughter a huge apology. Your niece needs therapy and a safe place free from people who will seek to set her up with her father and stepmother.

If you are not a troll, please support your niece. She will take years, YEARS, to come back from this.

This is a true story, I am not a troll. I've been dealing with this for several years now. My niece was in therapy, it helped to some degree. Until the remarriage, they had a good relationship. I cannot entirely blame the stepmom. She really did try to give her space. She encouraged BIL to spend more time with the girl. She stayed back when my niece said "I don't want you at my graduation". But I guess she reached her breaking point.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry that your BIL is an idiot who has married an idiot. Bringing in a new wife and kids after 9 months is an inappropriate parenting move and will damage his relationship with his daughter for the long term. I do not think anything can be fixed in the short term, and if your BIL is willing to let his wife draw this line (whatever his wife actually means), then he's a terrible father and a terrible person.

I would invite your niece, be as loving to her as you possibly can, and hope that things improve with time. Lots of time.

[Anonymous]

Support your niece, OP. She's in a difficult place. BIL properly ruined their relationship by getting remarried without considering that she is not ready or willing to move on. She could probably use some therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry that your BIL is an idiot who has married an idiot. Bringing in a new wife and kids after 9 months is an inappropriate parenting move and will damage his relationship with his daughter for the long term. I do not think anything can be fixed in the short term, and if your BIL is willing to let his wife draw this line (whatever his wife actually means), then he's a terrible father and a terrible person.

I would invite your niece, be as loving to her as you possibly can, and hope that things improve with time. Lots of time.

She is always welcome at our house, we all love her.