Orphaned niece struggling to have a relationship with Dad

[Anonymous]

I would focus on supporting a grieving teen, OP. Not joining in to pressure her to validate the selfish and ill timed choices of adults as a + for her.

https://whatsyourgrief.com/helping-a-teenager-deal-with-grief-2/

Are you related to her father? Is she in touch with anyone from her mom's side of the family who shares her grief?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I am tired being caught in the middle. I feel bad for everyone. I don't mind having my niece spend the holidays with us, we get along really well, my kids adore her. At the same time, I feel like she can't hold a grudge against her dad and stepmom forever, it's not healthy.

How is what the adults have done, "healthy?"

OP, what is your relationship to the father?

We talk regularly. He is sad it has come this way. He won't outright say it but I think he married his new wife so that he wouldn't be alone. His daughter was growing up, it was clear she would not stay with him forever. He has known the woman for years, they were acquaintances, she was also a widow. He seems to have an OK relationship with her and her children. Maybe it's his midlife crisis. I personally think a longer courtship would've been more acceptable to all parties involved, including my niece.

As usual, selfish man thinks of no one but himself. And selfish woman doesn't think how this will be received by his grieving teen. Those two should be so ashamed of themselves.

[Anonymous]

Your poor niece. There is little worse your BIL could have done to show your niece just how little her feelings matter. Assuming he wasn't having an affair before her mother's death, it's highly unusual to marry after only 9 months of dating. It's also WAAAY to soon for most adults, and definitely teens, to recover from that kind of loss. I'm sure it was a horrible blow for your niece to realize her father didn't have the emotional ties to her family she thought he had. Her world was shattered.

Do you know why your BIL got remarried so quickly? Were you and your niece at the wedding? How old are the stepchildren? I feel sorry for them to. Your BIL's and his new wife's poor choices have consequences.

[Anonymous]

I had a very similar situation except the reversal of parents.

Mom remarried a year later (after 6 weeks of dating) with a lot of protesting from me and my younger sister. She ended up sort of sneaking off to get married anyway and my paternal Grandfather died why she was gone. I really never forgave her for any of it. She died right when I turned 30 and then my sister and I were forced to deal with that ahole after her death.

All this to say, she will probably hold a grudge about this for the rest of her life. Is it healthy? Probably not. But just expecting her to ever be over it is probably also not healthy.

My Aunt and Uncles did nothing for us and there is a bit of resentment there too as we were kids and no one stepped up to give us any sense of normalcy. If you can do that for her then you should.

[Anonymous]

So it's like, show up and have a fake-happy Thanksgiving with us, or be estranged from your father forever? That's the message your BIL wants you to convey?

Ask him very seriously why he thinks this approach will be successful. It seems like his new wife would be happy to have him estranged from his daughter, and that's her goal in issuing this ultimatum.

[Anonymous]

If he got remarried 9 months after his wife dying, was he looking for dates at the funeral?

The amount that's wrong with all of this is huge. I could care less if the new wife feels like she's been wronged, she hasn't. She needs to be a grown up and respect the fact she's in the wrong. The father is in the wrong.

[Anonymous]

You’re all so damned selfish. It’s good that the father won’t be alone. The death of his wife must have been traumatic for him as well. Have some empathy why don’t you.

[Anonymous]

Can we stop calling this person "step mom"? I think AP or "so-and-so's wife" is more adept, as she is clearly not a mom or a parent to this poor girl at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I am tired being caught in the middle. I feel bad for everyone. I don't mind having my niece spend the holidays with us, we get along really well, my kids adore her. At the same time, I feel like she can't hold a grudge against her dad and stepmom forever, it's not healthy.

How is what the adults have done, "healthy?"

OP, what is your relationship to the father?

We talk regularly. He is sad it has come this way. He won't outright say it but I think he married his new wife so that he wouldn't be alone. His daughter was growing up, it was clear she would not stay with him forever. He has known the woman for years, they were acquaintances, she was also a widow. He seems to have an OK relationship with her and her children. Maybe it's his midlife crisis. I personally think a longer courtship would've been more acceptable to all parties involved, including my niece.

Because you're his wife not his SIL. ..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if this is the right forum for this. My sister passed away during COVID. BIL remarried 9 months after her death. My niece has been having a very hard time with the whole remarriage and has completely shut down her father and stepmother. Until her HS graduation they all lived in the same house, with her not talking to them, not acknowledging them, there were many fights over this. She ignored her new stepbrother and stepsister too. She moved out of the house literally days after her HS graduation, stayed with us until it was time to move to the dorms. She blocked them everywhere, the only way they communicate with her is through us.

The holidays are coming. BIL reached out to her through me, to see if she can join them for Thanksgiving dinner. She refuses to. Her stepmother has had it with her and said, "if she is not coming, that's it, she is not part of this family, I am tired bending over backwards for someone who treats us like dirt".

I am tired being caught in the middle. I feel bad for everyone. I don't mind having my niece spend the holidays with us, we get along really well, my kids adore her. At the same time, I feel like she can't hold a grudge against her dad and stepmom forever, it's not healthy.

How can I kill 2 birds with one stone: have her repair the relationship with her father AND at the same time, make her feel comfortable and wanted?

You can’t. And candidly, someone who remarries 9 months after death of her mom to someone as callous as the new stepmom sounds is not really a relationship that the niece needs to prioritize while she is still deeply mourning. Your BIL sounds profoundly selfish and your niece, who is the teenager/child here, is obviously still deep in mourning.

The stepmother sounds like a truly awful person and for your own sake I would keep your distance.

This. Just give her what she needs (a family) and stay well out of the situation with her father.

My father did this (I was 30 though) and I haven’t had contact with him in 20 years, I would still, after all this time, take great offense to anyone trying to offer me advice about this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's not an orphan. I'd insist she get therapy. She's obviously angry with her dad (which I get) and probably never got to properly mourn her mom. She needs help to work through her various emotions. Your role should just be a neutral safety place for her.

All of this.

I would not insist but gently suggest therapy when she is with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re all so damned selfish. It’s good that the father won’t be alone. The death of his wife must have been traumatic for him as well. Have some empathy why don’t you.

There's a big divide between father being alone and remarrying months after death. You're delusional and father and new wife are dead wrong. No one suggested that he never date or be alone. What is true is that his choices have lifetime consequences for his only child. If the new wife had any heart she would have held off from moving into the home until daughter went to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re all so damned selfish. It’s good that the father won’t be alone. The death of his wife must have been traumatic for him as well. Have some empathy why don’t you.

Traumatic? No, once he replaced dead wife with new wife he ceased caring because he had a new model to warm his bed and cook his meals. Not traumatic, more like inconvenient for a short time.

Some people are profoundly selfish like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if this is the right forum for this. My sister passed away during COVID. BIL remarried 9 months after her death. My niece has been having a very hard time with the whole remarriage and has completely shut down her father and stepmother. Until her HS graduation they all lived in the same house, with her not talking to them, not acknowledging them, there were many fights over this. She ignored her new stepbrother and stepsister too. She moved out of the house literally days after her HS graduation, stayed with us until it was time to move to the dorms. She blocked them everywhere, the only way they communicate with her is through us.

The holidays are coming. BIL reached out to her through me, to see if she can join them for Thanksgiving dinner. She refuses to. Her stepmother has had it with her and said, "if she is not coming, that's it, she is not part of this family, I am tired bending over backwards for someone who treats us like dirt".

I am tired being caught in the middle. I feel bad for everyone. I don't mind having my niece spend the holidays with us, we get along really well, my kids adore her. At the same time, I feel like she can't hold a grudge against her dad and stepmom forever, it's not healthy.

How can I kill 2 birds with one stone: have her repair the relationship with her father AND at the same time, make her feel comfortable and wanted?

Let's break this down using purely hypothetical dates
Sister passed away during COVID. The earliest that could have happened was early 2020.
BIL remarried 9 months later. Dec 2020 let's say.
Niece graduated Summer 2021. 6ish months of ignoring them.

At most, stepmom has been around 3 years. That's a lot of change and a tough thing to swallow for a young adult. Also, how shitty of the stepmom to already give up on your niece.

+1. Let your home be her one family safe spot, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re all so damned selfish. It’s good that the father won’t be alone. The death of his wife must have been traumatic for him as well. Have some empathy why don’t you.

I don't know, 9 months? And the kid graduated recently? Maybe they could have dated until the kid left for college?

How is it "selfish" for internet strangers, when weighing the father's choices vs. the teens feelings, to say they feel more for the child than the parent? Have some empathy for the teen why don't you.