Orphaned niece struggling to have a relationship with Dad

[Anonymous]

Nine months after her mom's death? Did Dad cheat on her mother with stepmom?

She is lucky to have you. Welcome her into your family.

Has Dad tried to spend time with her one on one? Take her out to meals just the two of them? I think he should start there if not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This sounds like a made-up story, but the BIL and new wife sound awful.

These two adults should never have gotten married 9 months after the death of this teen's mother. Adolescence is a difficult time in itself, let alone if you lose a parent, and let alone if your parent remarried shortly after. The wife should understand that this is not something a young person can just bounce back from. The BIL owes his daughter a huge apology. Your niece needs therapy and a safe place free from people who will seek to set her up with her father and stepmother.

If you are not a troll, please support your niece. She will take years, YEARS, to come back from this.

This is a true story, I am not a troll. I've been dealing with this for several years now. My niece was in therapy, it helped to some degree. Until the remarriage, they had a good relationship. I cannot entirely blame the stepmom. She really did try to give her space. She encouraged BIL to spend more time with the girl. She stayed back when my niece said "I don't want you at my graduation". But I guess she reached her breaking point.

I don't get the sense that you are grieving about your sister, OP, or you would understand your niece more. Now you want to rip away the sense of family she has because you want to suck up to your BIL who was likely cheating and who further traumatized your niece and his next wife. His wife reached her breaking point? What about the bereaved CHILD? Giving space would be not getting married and moving in 9 months after her mom died!

[Anonymous]

she sure does have a lot of parents for an "orphan"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nine months after her mom's death? Did Dad cheat on her mother with stepmom?

She is lucky to have you. Welcome her into your family.

Has Dad tried to spend time with her one on one? Take her out to meals just the two of them? I think he should start there if not.

Do you think step mom would be happy about that? Doubt it.

[Anonymous]

Did dad kill the mom? I mean that speed of dating and remarriage...

[Anonymous]

Why are you trying to give grace to the new wife, OP? New wife (no - she is not a step"mother") married a widow 9 months after the loss of his wife and moved her kids into that house. New wife has horrible judgement and parenting skills of her own kids, why would she treat her husband's daughter any better?

[Anonymous]

What do you mean OP, you've been dealing with this for several years?

[Anonymous]

They are all adults, so it’s up to them.

Tell bil & stepmom that she will be joining you for thanksgiving. Say that you hope, as the parents in the situation, that they always leave the door open for daughter to come home and reconcile. For that to be in a healthy, successful way, it will have to be when daughter is ready - not bc of an ultimatum.

Maybe everyone can spend some time apart & give this situation a breather.

That is your opinion & you will respect whatever they & daughter decide.

[Anonymous]

Here is what I would do.

Creat an email account. "[e-mail]"

Send daughter login password, probably in an old fashioned paper envelope (with no return address on the outside). Make sure OP also has the PW.

Send emails there however often he would normally want to communicate with his daughter.
Send nice notes about the weather or whatever, nothing angry or accusatory.
Daughter may never answer.
But someday she may be tempted to look and see all the notes her dad sent her when she wasn't speaking to him. Maybe it will be after he is long gone.
At least dad can know he did everything in his power and (after the poor decision to remarry so quickly) the rest is not (solely) his fault.
The daughter will be the one who has to process her choices with proof in her hands (or computer) that her dad did care.

[Anonymous]

I actually think orphaned is a good word for the title. Her mother died and her father abandoned her and replaced her with a new family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if this is the right forum for this. My sister passed away during COVID. BIL remarried 9 months after her death. My niece has been having a very hard time with the whole remarriage and has completely shut down her father and stepmother. Until her HS graduation they all lived in the same house, with her not talking to them, not acknowledging them, there were many fights over this. She ignored her new stepbrother and stepsister too. She moved out of the house literally days after her HS graduation, stayed with us until it was time to move to the dorms. She blocked them everywhere, the only way they communicate with her is through us.

The holidays are coming. BIL reached out to her through me, to see if she can join them for Thanksgiving dinner. She refuses to. Her stepmother has had it with her and said, "if she is not coming, that's it, she is not part of this family, I am tired bending over backwards for someone who treats us like dirt".

I am tired being caught in the middle. I feel bad for everyone. I don't mind having my niece spend the holidays with us, we get along really well, my kids adore her. At the same time, I feel like she can't hold a grudge against her dad and stepmom forever, it's not healthy.

How can I kill 2 birds with one stone: have her repair the relationship with her father AND at the same time, make her feel comfortable and wanted?

I don't understand why you care about a relationship with a man who may have been cheating on your dying sister and his super speedy next wife and kids? How is your focus not on your niece and grieving your dead sister?

I call troll. No one would have this reaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually think orphaned is a good word for the title. Her mother died and her father abandoned her and replaced her with a new family.

Ouch!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think orphaned is a good word for the title. Her mother died and her father abandoned her and replaced her with a new family.

Ouch!

But accurate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if this is the right forum for this. My sister passed away during COVID. BIL remarried 9 months after her death. My niece has been having a very hard time with the whole remarriage and has completely shut down her father and stepmother. Until her HS graduation they all lived in the same house, with her not talking to them, not acknowledging them, there were many fights over this. She ignored her new stepbrother and stepsister too. She moved out of the house literally days after her HS graduation, stayed with us until it was time to move to the dorms. She blocked them everywhere, the only way they communicate with her is through us.

The holidays are coming. BIL reached out to her through me, to see if she can join them for Thanksgiving dinner. She refuses to. Her stepmother has had it with her and said, "if she is not coming, that's it, she is not part of this family, I am tired bending over backwards for someone who treats us like dirt".

I am tired being caught in the middle. I feel bad for everyone. I don't mind having my niece spend the holidays with us, we get along really well, my kids adore her. At the same time, I feel like she can't hold a grudge against her dad and stepmom forever, it's not healthy.

How can I kill 2 birds with one stone: have her repair the relationship with her father AND at the same time, make her feel comfortable and wanted?

You can’t. And candidly, someone who remarries 9 months after death of her mom to someone as callous as the new stepmom sounds is not really a relationship that the niece needs to prioritize while she is still deeply mourning. Your BIL sounds profoundly selfish and your niece, who is the teenager/child here, is obviously still deep in mourning.

The stepmother sounds like a truly awful person and for your own sake I would keep your distance.

Very much this. I feel horrible for the daughter. Her mother died! And then dad not only quickly remarried, but moves the new wife in with ANOTHER daughter. Stepmom sounds horrible. Dad sounds selfish.

I don't know the answer, but someone needs to set this dad straight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think orphaned is a good word for the title. Her mother died and her father abandoned her and replaced her with a new family.

Ouch!

But accurate

Oh come on! He didn't kick his daughter out! He didn't leave the home. He committed the "crime" of remarrying that is all. I see that his haste is... distasteful? Insensitive? But that's not the same as abandonment and replacement.