Feel horrified by how close I came to suicide when I have young kids

[Anonymous]

OP, please speak openly with your therapist/psychiatrist. My cousin found her father. It is traumatizing beyond understanding.

[Anonymous]

Do take antidepressants and attend therapy but actively seek life style changes to relax yourself. For example house doesn't have to to instagram fancy or squeaky clean all the time, everyone doesn't have to have picture perfect clothes for all events, you don't need to impress others on social media or in real life, you need some daily exercise, you need to eat healthy, kids don't have to join every activity you hear of, kids don't have to be academic or sports super star, corporate ladder can wait etc etc. Focus should be on a healthy and happy family, perceptions and perfections be damned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A couple months ago, I was in a severe depressive episode and things got very, very dark for me. I was thinking of suicide day and night, and formulating a plan.

My kids are young, but in those moments I believed there was no other option and that it would actually be better for them if I died.

I haven’t told anyone the full extent of how close I came to taking my own life, not DH, not my therapist, not my psychiatrist.

I’m doing much better now. I’m not 100%, but I’m much much better.

But now when I am taking care of my kids I feel this overwhelming sense of horror and shame and sadness thinking of how awful it would be for them if it wasn’t here. In my deep depression, I TRULY could not see this. I feel disturbed by how close I came to missing their lives and how warped my thinking became.

I’m scared of sliding back into that state.

Has anyone else ever dealt with this? How did you get over the feelings of shame/horror?

Hugs to you OP! I'm so sorry. I went through something similar, but it was before I was married and had kids. I tried medication, and it was unhelpful. I tried therapists, and could never find one that I felt understood me. Meditation was the only thing that worked for me. The reason I'm telling you this is that the road may be difficult, and things that people recommend may not work. Never give up! You are worth it, and you deserve to be happy! I will say, I feel like I am a MUCH better person in every role I play today because of my near suicide. It gave me a perspective on life, the pain that people go through, and an understanding of the human mind that I would never have had without the experience. Wishing you all the very best.

[Anonymous]

I did share with DH and my therapist and psychiatrist that I was having suicidal thoughts. I didn’t share about the planning part because I worried they’d put me in the hospital.

Please don't keep this info from your therapist. If you need the hospital, then let it happen. Staying with your kids while that depressed represents a danger to the kids. I'm not trying to be mean here, but when you're in a very depressed state, you tell yourself a lot of stuff that isn't quite accurate. Its hard to think clearly about yourself, so telling others and letting them help you is the best. I know this seems impossible, but let them take care of you. Just like you'd take care of them.

And, yes, it's scary to admit to this stuff, but the world won't dissolve into complete chaos. Therapy can help you work through the shame/guilt/fear cycle and understand that getting depressed -- just like getting a cold, covid, or any disease -- is not your fault and not a fail on your part.

Best wishes, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in that depression. You need to tell your therapist so that 1. They can better help you with and 2. Help you with your feelings of shame and guilt.

Think about it this way, if your kids, DH, or best friend got very ill, how would you treat them? With care and kindness and patience, right? Well, you deserve the same treatment from yourself. Depression is a serious condition and you're coming out of it. Treat yourself with compassion.

It takes some time and a bit of work to get to a better place, OP. Please be patient with yourself ❤️‍🩹🫂

+1 please tell your therapist op, and hopefully eventually your husband. This isn’t your fault, the brain plays tricks on you when you are deeply depressed but it’s really important to be honest so you have some plans in place if it happens again. As you saw, it’s hard to protect yourself in those situations because your brain is not thinking rationally so you really need people in your corner who are aware and can try to protect you as much as possible.

The people closest to you need to know at a bare minimum that they should be asking the question and checking in regularly. Sometimes just being asked can open an escape valve of finally being able to tell. My husband had very serious suicidal ideations when we were young and because I know how impulsive suicide can be and how damn tricky our brains can be, if he shows any signs of depression, feeling worthless, I know to ask him directly if he’s having thoughts of suicide or self harm. It is something we’ve discussed together and have as part of our safety plan since we know his brain can go there in times of desperation. Usually it hasn’t been an issue this last decade, but asking the question and having this be an open part of our relationship allowed him to tell me early on when some thoughts creeped in a couple years ago. He was able to get support earlier as a result.

Create the safe space with your spouse if you can, you may need it and you deserve it. And your kids deserve it to. This is not your fault. Put what you need to in place to keep yourself safe when your brain starts working against you. I’m so so glad you’re still here.

[Anonymous]

Pp here and I just saw your update about your fears of this hospital. This is so understandable and even more of a reason to tell your therapist now. This is so important. Your therapist can help you work through a safety plan that YOU feel good about and talk through what the options are before hospitalization. You should know that for there to be an involuntary hospitalization the bar is extremely high. There are many things you could do with your therapist especially if you have prepared by working it through now to prevent hospitalization. For example, making a plan to have 24 hr supervision while your meds are adjusted from home for example. Doing a partial day hospitalization program. But working through these fears while you are in a more rational thinking place is so important. Remember, your life is at stake. Your kids lives. You can do this.

And, this all being said I agree with the pp that hopefully you can also work through with your therapist under what situations you might voluntarily go to the hospital. A hospitalization is sometimes necessary to keep you alive and is worth every second if that’s the case. You are worth every effort. And talking through these scenarios and feeling secure in your plan will help you if you ever start to feel like this again. You’ll have built some safe pathways in your brain about how to talk about this.

[Anonymous]

Sorry also by checking in regularly up there I didn’t mean all the time, I meant when in a depressive episode.

[Anonymous]

So sorry that this happened to you, and so happy to hear you’re feeling better.

I can relate. In the depths of my PPD, there was a time when I thought often about how my family would be better off without me. It all seemed so rational: DH could get remarried, and my kids were so young that they wouldn’t remember me anyway. I told DH, my therapist, and my mom. My mom took time off work to come be with me. I got on an antidepressant.

Within a few months, I literally could not believe that I had been thinking that way. I still shudder to think about it. I could only see how ill I truly was after I had gotten better.

Please do tell your support network. They should know how bad things were so that they can support you if you ever need it in the future.

[Anonymous]

Please open up fully with your therapist and psychiatrist. They can not fully help you unless you open up.

[Anonymous]

I’m the 4AM previous poster from earlier today and was just thinking about you, OP. Sending you so much love and reflecting back to you that you are worthy of love and support!

[Anonymous]

I think, OP, that you can have compassion for yourself and understand that what you went through was first and foremost horrible for you. It was a dark place and I think typical you struggled to fully verbalize how bad things were. But now you are in a place where you can do something to try and make sure you don’t end up there again and I think that has to include full transparency with your therapist and psychiatrist. No one is going to hospitalize you for an episode that is over. But you can have a plan for what you will do if things start to get that bad again. I lost a sibling to suicide and I am so so glad you are doing ok now. I am wishing you and your family all the best.

[Anonymous]

Hey, OP, you have a whole crew of people here who read your story and responded with caring and compassion. Please hold on to that.

If you can't imagine how to open up the conversation with your therapist, send a link or print out your original post or this whole thread for them. It's a way to start the conversation if you're feeling stuck. And remember, you did it once here for us, so you can do it a second time.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thank you for the replies. I appreciate knowing others have had the same experience. And also appreciate the validation that this was a very hard experience for me.

I think my fear in admitting to therapist/psychiatrist now how bad my thoughts were is that it means admitting I was lying to them before. I did share with them that I was having pretty active suicidal ideation, but when they asked if I had I plan I always lied and said no. I like my care team and expect to be working with them for years to come and I’m worried about my credibility.

I could talk to DH though and I’ll try when we have a chance. We almost never seem to get a chance to spend time together or talk to each other but I’ll try to make it happen.

[Anonymous]

Also, OP here again.

Is there like depression related PTSD? I’m having a rough day and with my depressive episode before the thoughts started out as

“I hate doing this, this feels awful” to
“I can’t do this” to
“I really suck at this and I’m not cut out for this” to
“I never should have had kids, I’m a piece of crap” to
“I want to die”
“I want to die”
And then it became all about trying to figure out how to make that happen.

I’m definitely having all the thoughts today that preceded the suicidal stage and I’m so afraid that’s coming next.

I struggle a lot with overwhelm and feeling trapped/drowning like I cannot handle my children and I need to escape, but there’s never any real meaningful break.

I have a good support system (well, as good as anyone I know has, and we are unable to fortify it further and have already put all the money we possibly can into it) so I don’t need help brainstorming that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, OP here again.

Is there like depression related PTSD? I’m having a rough day and with my depressive episode before the thoughts started out as

“I hate doing this, this feels awful” to
“I can’t do this” to
“I really suck at this and I’m not cut out for this” to
“I never should have had kids, I’m a piece of crap” to
“I want to die”
“I want to die”
And then it became all about trying to figure out how to make that happen.

I’m definitely having all the thoughts today that preceded the suicidal stage and I’m so afraid that’s coming next.

I struggle a lot with overwhelm and feeling trapped/drowning like I cannot handle my children and I need to escape, but there’s never any real meaningful break.

I have a good support system (well, as good as anyone I know has, and we are unable to fortify it further and have already put all the money we possibly can into it) so I don’t need help brainstorming that.

OP, I’m one of the people who posted upthread about going through this postpartum. I also have a history of anxiety/depression. I don’t know the clinical term for it, but I can absolutely relate to that thought process that you described. I have the same triggers - ie getting overwhelmed and then thinking I’m a bad parent and it was a mistake to do this.

For me, I would say that I know I am no longer depressed when a) the things that used to trigger me no longer make me spiral like that and b) when I do feel myself start to be overwhelmed/going to a dark place, I have strategies for coping. My most important strategy is to tell other people immediately. For me, that’s DH and my mom. So I would definitely recommend telling your support network how you feel today.