Feel horrified by how close I came to suicide when I have young kids

[Anonymous]

Please don’t worry about lying to the therapist. They understand that its hard to talk about and that it's part of the process.

Plus, it's not lying, it's asin of omission 😉

Is there like depression related PTSD?

I don't know but the reverse may be true. This is a question for your therapist. If you're having trouble talking to your therapist, you can write yout questions or ideas down as they come to your and email them to your therapist before you meet or bring the list to a session.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, OP here again.

Is there like depression related PTSD? I’m having a rough day and with my depressive episode before the thoughts started out as

“I hate doing this, this feels awful” to
“I can’t do this” to
“I really suck at this and I’m not cut out for this” to
“I never should have had kids, I’m a piece of crap” to
“I want to die”
“I want to die”
And then it became all about trying to figure out how to make that happen.

I’m definitely having all the thoughts today that preceded the suicidal stage and I’m so afraid that’s coming next.

I struggle a lot with overwhelm and feeling trapped/drowning like I cannot handle my children and I need to escape, but there’s never any real meaningful break.

I have a good support system (well, as good as anyone I know has, and we are unable to fortify it further and have already put all the money we possibly can into it) so I don’t need help brainstorming that.

Op I'm so sorry. Just here to empathize and though it isn't my personal experience, I think this is very much what my husband experiences and I'm grateful for your sharing because the way you described it helped me understand him better. You aren't alone in these feelings.

I do want to reiterate that while it is so understandable, please do not be afraid to tell your therapist even though it means you lied. I am a therapist and I would never be upset at my clients for this. It is normal for clients to take time to fully share themselves, their fears, their thoughts. So incredibly normal. They will be so grateful that you are sharing now so that they can be a better help to you in the future. This is part of building strong relationships, these bumps and then repairing. A therapist relationship is like that too, you say hey I want to share something and it scares me to share it because I didn't fully share earlier on. And I'm worried that will make you upset with me.

From a therapist perspective, this will be a good thing that you are sharing, a show that the safety in the therapeutic relationship is building. That is part of the journey to healing. As your therapist, I would really like to know that cascade of thoughts just as you shared it. You could even write it down just like you did, print it and hand it to them if it would be easier.

[Anonymous]

After I lost my mother and then my only sibling, I became ill with suicide ideation. I kept it hidden but during an attempt, my teen daughter found me and I needed an intervention. I sought help and stayed in therapy for a while and learned coping strategies while I healed. Now, I get depressive episodes but I can come out of them fairly quick. Get help! Call the 411 number. Talk to someone. Many have these feelings but most do not share. Life is hard. It really is. Be kind to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Hey, OP, how are you doing? Thinking of you and hope you're doing OK.

[Anonymous]

Lots of good advice here. Specifically on the worry about having “lied” to your therapist in the past - I’ve done that before and when I eventually talk about the reality of things it has never been an issue. I think they understand that these things can be so hard to talk about and it takes time to build the feeling of safety to do so.

[Anonymous]

Everybody hurts.

[Anonymous]

Oh my gosh OP please don’t be worried about feeling like you have not been upfront with your therapist. (Hugs!!) They will help you to work through Why are you felt you couldn’t be open and what you can do in the future to feel like you can be open. There is no judging and no shame, only helping. This is totally normal. Don’t think about it as lying or credibility, just remember you weren’t ready yet and now you are. There’s certain things I used to keep from my therapist, and when I finally was open about everything, I felt so incredibly freeing. I know it sounds so cliché but I really couldn’t grow and heel until I talked about all of the things. The mental load of having to carry all of that inside by yourself is a very heavy one. Your doctors are there to help you with that.

[Anonymous]

Op here just checking in. I’m doing so much better than I was when I posted this. So much so that it’s perplexing to me that in October I actually thought I was out of the depressive episode. I definitely wasn’t. I am better now than I’ve ever been, thanks to finally finding the right combination of drugs and making some huge life changes (quit my job in January and still not working full time which is hard financially but the time off has been such a gift). I also finally (after years of everyone telling me to try it and even trying it) have gotten into mindfulness (specifically Pema Chodron), and I’m spending more time outdoors and walking. I’ve lost 20 lbs. I’m reading books again and listening to audio books all the time and I have never felt this way before.

I used to spend nearly all my time and energy on what I called “problem solving”-basically finding ways to change my external circumstances to hopefully make my life feel more manageable.

I’m finally at a point where I’m better inside and so I feel much less concerned with controlling and changing everything externally. I have a peace and confidence knowing I can handle whatever comes. I am less afraid.

And this is all happening at a time when my son is sick (a big part of what drove me to despair and I believed I needed to make him better so I could feel better). Well, he’s not better and he may never be better. He might even die. And also he might not. He’s 5. I am finally ok though. I’m so thankful to have him and to love him, whatever comes next.

I do still feel a sense of horror/shame/sorrow when I remember how I was a year ago (June 2023). It’s so weird because i knew I was very unwell, and in October I thought I was better, but it’s only now that I can really fully understand how unwell I was and how disordered my thinking was.

I am so happy I stayed. I am so glad to be alive. Really and truly. It crushes me to think of missing out on this hard and beautiful life I have. And I came so so so so close to dying. I couldn’t know the things I see now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here thanks for the replies.

I’m on multiple antidepressants and have been on them for years.

I did share with DH and my therapist and psychiatrist that I was having suicidal thoughts. I didn’t share about the planning part because I worried they’d put me in the hospital.

Girl, you literally needed to be in the hospital to keep yourself safe at that time. Please tell them next time and give everyone a chance to help you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here thanks for the replies.

I’m on multiple antidepressants and have been on them for years.

I did share with DH and my therapist and psychiatrist that I was having suicidal thoughts. I didn’t share about the planning part because I worried they’d put me in the hospital.

Girl, you literally needed to be in the hospital to keep yourself safe at that time. Please tell them next time and give everyone a chance to help you.

Op here. Maybe. It’s water under the bridge now, read my update, I’m doing much better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here just checking in. I’m doing so much better than I was when I posted this. So much so that it’s perplexing to me that in October I actually thought I was out of the depressive episode. I definitely wasn’t. I am better now than I’ve ever been, thanks to finally finding the right combination of drugs and making some huge life changes (quit my job in January and still not working full time which is hard financially but the time off has been such a gift). I also finally (after years of everyone telling me to try it and even trying it) have gotten into mindfulness (specifically Pema Chodron), and I’m spending more time outdoors and walking. I’ve lost 20 lbs. I’m reading books again and listening to audio books all the time and I have never felt this way before.

I used to spend nearly all my time and energy on what I called “problem solving”-basically finding ways to change my external circumstances to hopefully make my life feel more manageable.

I’m finally at a point where I’m better inside and so I feel much less concerned with controlling and changing everything externally. I have a peace and confidence knowing I can handle whatever comes. I am less afraid.

And this is all happening at a time when my son is sick (a big part of what drove me to despair and I believed I needed to make him better so I could feel better). Well, he’s not better and he may never be better. He might even die. And also he might not. He’s 5. I am finally ok though. I’m so thankful to have him and to love him, whatever comes next.

I do still feel a sense of horror/shame/sorrow when I remember how I was a year ago (June 2023). It’s so weird because i knew I was very unwell, and in October I thought I was better, but it’s only now that I can really fully understand how unwell I was and how disordered my thinking was.

I am so happy I stayed. I am so glad to be alive. Really and truly. It crushes me to think of missing out on this hard and beautiful life I have. And I came so so so so close to dying. I couldn’t know the things I see now.

New poster but so happy to read this. And I am glad you found mindfulness practice. It is really so powerful. So sorry to hear about your son. Hope he gets better and you are helping the best you can by being present and a calming presence.

[Anonymous]

When I wake up in the middle of the night and think about all the issues we have to solve, from a kid with sn (albeit mild) to money to marriage to health to parents, the only thing that calms me down is fantasizing about suicide so yes.
I don’t think anyone tells women how hard it all really is and by the time you find out it’s too late

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here thanks for the replies.

I’m on multiple antidepressants and have been on them for years.

I did share with DH and my therapist and psychiatrist that I was having suicidal thoughts. I didn’t share about the planning part because I worried they’d put me in the hospital.

Girl, you literally needed to be in the hospital to keep yourself safe at that time. Please tell them next time and give everyone a chance to help you.

And there also needs to be some phases between at home and hospitalized. Because I can 100% sympathize with OP during PP I was so afraid of my own thoughts that I didnt want anyone to know because I didnt want to be hospitalized because I didnt want to leave my kids/husband.

MANY people dont express these feelings/thoughts because there is so little MH help outside of hospitalization, which is not really the best environment for most people, especially new moms already feeling guilt and shame.

OP I will also say that getting treated for hypothyroid changed my life. For 20 years I've been dealing with cyclic depression, on psych meds, on stimulants, etc. etc. Got treated for hypothyroid and its gone. I still get monitored and have a plan in place for postpartum but if your meds lose effectiveness often or if you have cyclical depression that does not seem to respond appropriately to medications please get a full panel. I have my original labs from my first psych visit and based on those labs I should have been treated for hypo and/or referred to endo alongside psych treatment. Instead, I got a bipolar unspecified diagnosis and spent years living with the fallout from that. And then it got changed to cyclothymic disorder when the oscillations were too frequent to be bipolar.

[Anonymous]

Loads of people do this. It's OK.

Moving forward, focus on what you enjoy, and the usual healthy eating, exercise, and sunshine, ans socializing offline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depression is very MEAN to you when you’re depressed. That’s what these thoughts are. These thoughts aren’t YOU. Try to remember that YOU are the LOVE you feel when you think of your kids. I’m glad you told “us” here, the collective void yet still real people. We can send you love and reflect back to you that you are good and worthy of love, belonging, and good help. I bet your family and doctor would tell you that, too! I hope!

Op here. Thank you. So wait, do you mean you think I still sound depressed?

DP. Yes. The fact that you have not discussed these feelings with any of the people you listed is the tell. It’s shame, which is a depression thing.