Feel horrified by how close I came to suicide when I have young kids

[Anonymous]

A couple months ago, I was in a severe depressive episode and things got very, very dark for me. I was thinking of suicide day and night, and formulating a plan.

My kids are young, but in those moments I believed there was no other option and that it would actually be better for them if I died.

I haven’t told anyone the full extent of how close I came to taking my own life, not DH, not my therapist, not my psychiatrist.

I’m doing much better now. I’m not 100%, but I’m much much better.

But now when I am taking care of my kids I feel this overwhelming sense of horror and shame and sadness thinking of how awful it would be for them if it wasn’t here. In my deep depression, I TRULY could not see this. I feel disturbed by how close I came to missing their lives and how warped my thinking became.

I’m scared of sliding back into that state.

Has anyone else ever dealt with this? How did you get over the feelings of shame/horror?

[Anonymous]

Depression is very MEAN to you when you’re depressed. That’s what these thoughts are. These thoughts aren’t YOU. Try to remember that YOU are the LOVE you feel when you think of your kids. I’m glad you told “us” here, the collective void yet still real people. We can send you love and reflect back to you that you are good and worthy of love, belonging, and good help. I bet your family and doctor would tell you that, too! I hope!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depression is very MEAN to you when you’re depressed. That’s what these thoughts are. These thoughts aren’t YOU. Try to remember that YOU are the LOVE you feel when you think of your kids. I’m glad you told “us” here, the collective void yet still real people. We can send you love and reflect back to you that you are good and worthy of love, belonging, and good help. I bet your family and doctor would tell you that, too! I hope!

Op here. Thank you. So wait, do you mean you think I still sound depressed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depression is very MEAN to you when you’re depressed. That’s what these thoughts are. These thoughts aren’t YOU. Try to remember that YOU are the LOVE you feel when you think of your kids. I’m glad you told “us” here, the collective void yet still real people. We can send you love and reflect back to you that you are good and worthy of love, belonging, and good help. I bet your family and doctor would tell you that, too! I hope!

Op here. Thank you. So wait, do you mean you think I still sound depressed?

I don’t know, but I do think it could help to talk to someone in person, because you deserve big hugs and lots of support! Is there someone in person who would listen and give you hugs and help you get some structure like help with kids and home or work etc, and see a great doctor who can treat the medical side of it all too? I hope so!

[Anonymous]

I have been there in terms of completely being over those feelings and just feeling horrified by the thought. I told my therapist and that did not go over well in terms of discretion, so be careful. My lowest point was years before I even met with her so it was more a recounting of the past on my part but she treated it as an active issue to be cautious of. I don't even feel like the same person in large part, due to sleeping more and being less stressed/ taxed physically.

[Anonymous]

Why not trial antidepressants for a few weeks?

[Anonymous]

I think when you’re that depressed and then start to recover that there is a low level PSTD that occurs that creates a fear that you could go back there. First of all the fact that you can now distinguish between the different levels of your feelings makes me think that you are headed in the less depressed direction. Depression is a spectrum as they say so it’s possible to be a little or more depressed. The shame is residual but needs to be dealt with because shame sees the seeds of depression and you don’t want to give it leverage.

Any therapist should be able to help you. You’re not getting the most out of your treatment if you can’t tell you therapist. Don’t withhold something from someone who is literally there to support you. If you have a sense that you can’t trust them you need to say that. If you feel shame say that. If you no longer have the same feelings but want to dove into the guilt part say that. But say something.

It’s an awful feeling and I’m sorry you went through that. Your children and your husband are so so grateful that you were strong enough somewhere inside you to pull through. And it does take strength. Your sense of self pulled you through. Thank it. Good luck to you and be well.

[Anonymous]

You must forgive yourself. You were very ill, and your perceptions were distorted. It’s wonderful that you can now see how distorted they were.

If you have never read anything by Tara Brach, I highly recommend her. Your past self deserves compassion. Your current self deserves compassion. You aren’t terrible; you were in terrible pain.

I am so sorry for your suffering back then, and I’m so glad you made it through. You were strong enough to get through that, you are strong enough to hear this now.

[Anonymous]

I am glad you’re doing better now. I went to a HS for kids with emotional problems and two of my friends there had parents who’d killed themselves. It really messed them up a lot. One didn’t even remember her parent because they did it when she was so young.

I think you should tell your therapist. This is a big feeling to carry around by yourself.

[Anonymous]

The fact that you are still beating yourself up, to a non-clinican, sound slide you are still depressed and need to seek out more help. If you haven't changed anything since, you are at risk still

[Anonymous]

I was in that depression. You need to tell your therapist so that 1. They can better help you with and 2. Help you with your feelings of shame and guilt.

Think about it this way, if your kids, DH, or best friend got very ill, how would you treat them? With care and kindness and patience, right? Well, you deserve the same treatment from yourself. Depression is a serious condition and you're coming out of it. Treat yourself with compassion.

It takes some time and a bit of work to get to a better place, OP. Please be patient with yourself ❤️‍🩹🫂

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A couple months ago, I was in a severe depressive episode and things got very, very dark for me. I was thinking of suicide day and night, and formulating a plan.

My kids are young, but in those moments I believed there was no other option and that it would actually be better for them if I died.

I haven’t told anyone the full extent of how close I came to taking my own life, not DH, not my therapist, not my psychiatrist.

I’m doing much better now. I’m not 100%, but I’m much much better.

But now when I am taking care of my kids I feel this overwhelming sense of horror and shame and sadness thinking of how awful it would be for them if it wasn’t here. In my deep depression, I TRULY could not see this. I feel disturbed by how close I came to missing their lives and how warped my thinking became.

I’m scared of sliding back into that state.

Has anyone else ever dealt with this? How did you get over the feelings of shame/horror?

The bolded is your problem. You need to tell someone about this, preferably one of your mental health professionals, immediately. If you can’t manage to say it out loud, email them a link to this chain and tell them it’s you. Or leave them a voicemail. Or write it down and mail it. Something.

Lots of people to through depressive episodes like this, OP, and most of them, particularly those who have made it to the other side (congrats - that’s a huge achievement) end up just fine. But the best way to prevent this from ever happening again is to make sure other people are in a position to help you.

[Anonymous]

You need to be truthful with a psycho therapist who can help you work through your feelings.

[Anonymous]

Op here thanks for the replies.

I’m on multiple antidepressants and have been on them for years.

I did share with DH and my therapist and psychiatrist that I was having suicidal thoughts. I didn’t share about the planning part because I worried they’d put me in the hospital.

[Anonymous]

Op, when I have gotten into depressive states with suicidal ideation, what snaps me out of it is imagining my kids growing up without a mother and that keeps me going.