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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]A couple months ago, I was in a severe depressive episode and things got very, very dark for me. I was thinking of suicide day and night, and formulating a plan.

My kids are young, but in those moments I believed there was no other option and that it would actually be better for them if I died.

I haven’t told anyone the full extent of how close I came to taking my own life, not DH, not my therapist, not my psychiatrist.

I’m doing much better now. I’m not 100%, but I’m much much better.

But now when I am taking care of my kids I feel this overwhelming sense of horror and shame and sadness thinking of how awful it would be for them if it wasn’t here. In my deep depression, I TRULY could not see this. I feel disturbed by how close I came to missing their lives and how warped my thinking became.

I’m scared of sliding back into that state.

Has anyone else ever dealt with this? How did you get over the feelings of shame/horror?[/quote]

Hugs to you OP! I'm so sorry. I went through something similar, but it was before I was married and had kids. I tried medication, and it was unhelpful. I tried therapists, and could never find one that I felt understood me. Meditation was the only thing that worked for me. The reason I'm telling you this is that the road may be difficult, and things that people recommend may not work. Never give up! You are worth it, and you deserve to be happy! I will say, I feel like I am a MUCH better person in every role I play today because of my near suicide. It gave me a perspective on life, the pain that people go through, and an understanding of the human mind that I would never have had without the experience. Wishing you all the very best.
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