Feel horrified by how close I came to suicide when I have young kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here just checking in. I’m doing so much better than I was when I posted this. So much so that it’s perplexing to me that in October I actually thought I was out of the depressive episode. I definitely wasn’t. I am better now than I’ve ever been, thanks to finally finding the right combination of drugs and making some huge life changes (quit my job in January and still not working full time which is hard financially but the time off has been such a gift). I also finally (after years of everyone telling me to try it and even trying it) have gotten into mindfulness (specifically Pema Chodron), and I’m spending more time outdoors and walking. I’ve lost 20 lbs. I’m reading books again and listening to audio books all the time and I have never felt this way before.

I used to spend nearly all my time and energy on what I called “problem solving”-basically finding ways to change my external circumstances to hopefully make my life feel more manageable.

I’m finally at a point where I’m better inside and so I feel much less concerned with controlling and changing everything externally. I have a peace and confidence knowing I can handle whatever comes. I am less afraid.

And this is all happening at a time when my son is sick (a big part of what drove me to despair and I believed I needed to make him better so I could feel better). Well, he’s not better and he may never be better. He might even die. And also he might not. He’s 5. I am finally ok though. I’m so thankful to have him and to love him, whatever comes next.

I do still feel a sense of horror/shame/sorrow when I remember how I was a year ago (June 2023). It’s so weird because i knew I was very unwell, and in October I thought I was better, but it’s only now that I can really fully understand how unwell I was and how disordered my thinking was.

I am so happy I stayed. I am so glad to be alive. Really and truly. It crushes me to think of missing out on this hard and beautiful life I have. And I came so so so so close to dying. I couldn’t know the things I see now.

Immediate PP here. Glad you are still earthside! Have you also discussed your suicidality with your providers and spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here just checking in. I’m doing so much better than I was when I posted this. So much so that it’s perplexing to me that in October I actually thought I was out of the depressive episode. I definitely wasn’t. I am better now than I’ve ever been, thanks to finally finding the right combination of drugs and making some huge life changes (quit my job in January and still not working full time which is hard financially but the time off has been such a gift). I also finally (after years of everyone telling me to try it and even trying it) have gotten into mindfulness (specifically Pema Chodron), and I’m spending more time outdoors and walking. I’ve lost 20 lbs. I’m reading books again and listening to audio books all the time and I have never felt this way before.

I used to spend nearly all my time and energy on what I called “problem solving”-basically finding ways to change my external circumstances to hopefully make my life feel more manageable.

I’m finally at a point where I’m better inside and so I feel much less concerned with controlling and changing everything externally. I have a peace and confidence knowing I can handle whatever comes. I am less afraid.

And this is all happening at a time when my son is sick (a big part of what drove me to despair and I believed I needed to make him better so I could feel better). Well, he’s not better and he may never be better. He might even die. And also he might not. He’s 5. I am finally ok though. I’m so thankful to have him and to love him, whatever comes next.

I do still feel a sense of horror/shame/sorrow when I remember how I was a year ago (June 2023). It’s so weird because i knew I was very unwell, and in October I thought I was better, but it’s only now that I can really fully understand how unwell I was and how disordered my thinking was.

I am so happy I stayed. I am so glad to be alive. Really and truly. It crushes me to think of missing out on this hard and beautiful life I have. And I came so so so so close to dying. I couldn’t know the things I see now.

Immediate PP here. Glad you are still earthside! Have you also discussed your suicidality with your providers and spouse?

Op here. I explained up thread that I did share with my husband and providers that I was having suicidal ideation. I denied having a plan which was a lie. No, I haven’t shared that.

[Anonymous]

I do think those hotlines are helpful and please call or text one if you feel at the brink.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here just checking in. I’m doing so much better than I was when I posted this. So much so that it’s perplexing to me that in October I actually thought I was out of the depressive episode. I definitely wasn’t. I am better now than I’ve ever been, thanks to finally finding the right combination of drugs and making some huge life changes (quit my job in January and still not working full time which is hard financially but the time off has been such a gift). I also finally (after years of everyone telling me to try it and even trying it) have gotten into mindfulness (specifically Pema Chodron), and I’m spending more time outdoors and walking. I’ve lost 20 lbs. I’m reading books again and listening to audio books all the time and I have never felt this way before.

I used to spend nearly all my time and energy on what I called “problem solving”-basically finding ways to change my external circumstances to hopefully make my life feel more manageable.

I’m finally at a point where I’m better inside and so I feel much less concerned with controlling and changing everything externally. I have a peace and confidence knowing I can handle whatever comes. I am less afraid.

And this is all happening at a time when my son is sick (a big part of what drove me to despair and I believed I needed to make him better so I could feel better). Well, he’s not better and he may never be better. He might even die. And also he might not. He’s 5. I am finally ok though. I’m so thankful to have him and to love him, whatever comes next.

I do still feel a sense of horror/shame/sorrow when I remember how I was a year ago (June 2023). It’s so weird because i knew I was very unwell, and in October I thought I was better, but it’s only now that I can really fully understand how unwell I was and how disordered my thinking was.

I am so happy I stayed. I am so glad to be alive. Really and truly. It crushes me to think of missing out on this hard and beautiful life I have. And I came so so so so close to dying. I couldn’t know the things I see now.

Immediate PP here. Glad you are still earthside! Have you also discussed your suicidality with your providers and spouse?

Op here. I explained up thread that I did share with my husband and providers that I was having suicidal ideation. I denied having a plan which was a lie. No, I haven’t shared that.

I would really encourage you to do it. There is no credibility issue vis a vis the therapist. Lying about suicidality is a typical part of being suicidal; they will not be shocked or upset in any way. They WILL understand that they have to look more closely when you wave what seems like a yellow flag about depression. This is incredibly valuable to the cause of you remaining alive.

All good thoughts your way.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to tell your therapist, OP. A psychiatrist told me a long time ago that the upswing after one of these episodes is even more fraught because the person decides they never want to go through that experience again. Tell a professional, OP.

[Anonymous]

Here’s the thing OP I look at this differently.

I see you being brave.
I see you saying that you need to tell someone the depth of your thoughts
I see you being strategic and coming here to try out telling someone, even if we’re Rando’s on the internet
I hope you could take a big deep breath all the way into your lungs when you clicked post or submit
I see you bravely checking back in with us and sharing that you’re taking steps forward

You are carrying a heavy load by yourself even though you have a support system. Let your DH, therapist, and whomever else in to this so they can be positioned to support you when things are heavy.

You are brave.
You are worthy of the support and the love.
You matter to your children, your DH, me, and so many of us, even out here in DCUM land.

❤️

[Anonymous]

I’m so happy to read this. I agree that now that you are well, you should tell because there only shame and blame in secrecy . At this point you are not a risk to self so think it should be ok but I also get your hesitation. Sending friendly wishes your way.

[Anonymous]

Me again. For some reason the word “absolution” is coming to mind. Do you think that you need that? If so, go get it and move on. You pick. Priest even if youre not catholic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here thanks for the replies.

I’m on multiple antidepressants and have been on them for years.

I did share with DH and my therapist and psychiatrist that I was having suicidal thoughts. I didn’t share about the planning part because I worried they’d put me in the hospital.

Girl, you literally needed to be in the hospital to keep yourself safe at that time. Please tell them next time and give everyone a chance to help you.

Op here. Maybe. It’s water under the bridge now, read my update, I’m doing much better.

Just saw this. I’m so glad you’re doing better!!