What does it mean if I'm tempted to do something extreme to try to get dh to pay attention?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Idk. Sometimes these posts are so glaringly one-sided that it begs some perspective of the other side. And maybe it's a bit of projection, but your DH is also impacted by all the things you mention.

He has a SN child
He has/had a ill wife fighting cancer and other health issues which rightly means that a lot of focus and attention has been on YOU and how to make YOU better / heal, etc.
He has the same financial stress as you

You then want to put more pressure and burden on him to sort out your career questions and figure out a whole new area of the country to live - and you say that you guys fight all the time.

Just wondering have you ever checked in with him to see how HE's doing? Just sayin.

Some of this is communication - some if this is managing expectations and also some of this is for those who are chronically ill/mentally ill to understand that although the world does revolve around you frequently, it's often at the expense of ignoring everyone else around you.

I have been in a similar position to OP. I’m willing to listen here.
I honestly feel like opening up a discussion on how to take some of the pressure off of me/us *is* opening a discussion on how he is doing.
It is starting with the assumption that he is also struggling and something needs to change. And then it’s met with this complete lack of empathy. Like everything is fine from his standpoint, if I can’t handle it, then I’m the one with the issues, so nothing needs to change but me.

[Anonymous]

You posted this before. What advice will you actually TAKE this time? And you’re STILL in that job? Why?? Get a new job FFS!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Think of yourself as a single parent. Basically ignore him. Figure out what’s best for you and your child, and take action.

So OP should just move her kid out of state to somewhere cheaper without her husband?

No, but it sounds like he’s so passive and leaves it up to her to make decisions.

It’s because he actually doesn’t want to move. So he’s leaving it to OP to figure it out, and he knows she won’t. They are at a stalemate.

OP: take a weekend away for yourself. Your marriage needs it. Don’t be a martyr about it. Just go, get some good sleep, eat out for every meal.

If that's true, this guy is very passive-aggressive. That would drive me crazy, too. Just spit it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idk. Sometimes these posts are so glaringly one-sided that it begs some perspective of the other side. And maybe it's a bit of projection, but your DH is also impacted by all the things you mention.

He has a SN child
He has/had a ill wife fighting cancer and other health issues which rightly means that a lot of focus and attention has been on YOU and how to make YOU better / heal, etc.
He has the same financial stress as you

You then want to put more pressure and burden on him to sort out your career questions and figure out a whole new area of the country to live - and you say that you guys fight all the time.

Just wondering have you ever checked in with him to see how HE's doing? Just sayin.

Some of this is communication - some if this is managing expectations and also some of this is for those who are chronically ill/mentally ill to understand that although the world does revolve around you frequently, it's often at the expense of ignoring everyone else around you.

I have been in a similar position to OP. I’m willing to listen here.
I honestly feel like opening up a discussion on how to take some of the pressure off of me/us *is* opening a discussion on how he is doing.
It is starting with the assumption that he is also struggling and something needs to change. And then it’s met with this complete lack of empathy. Like everything is fine from his standpoint, if I can’t handle it, then I’m the one with the issues, so nothing needs to change but me.

Here's the thing though. The "opening up a discussion" at least in OP's case is how life is affecting HER, how burdened SHE is, how overwhelmed SHE is and approaches with "I am about to fall apart unless you listen to me and do something about it".

Honestly it's not fair. And yes, we're adults and life is not fair. But in a marriage - you want to feel like the other person also has your back and sees you and cares for you. Maybe how she posted, but OP is very much "ME / MY / MY ISSUES" minded. And even to fix something - it's about fixing something for HER to make HER feel better.

I think it goes further - how about approaching your spouse (in this case DH) and actually start the conversation about HIM. How is he doing under the pressure. Has the intimacy been the same (physical and mental) - are they distant because of such focus on serious health concerns of OP? Does DH get to ever focus on his wants and needs EVER? Or is a constant "make sure OP and child" are okay and he's just going at it solo? Does OP ever just make a day about him and not complaining about what's going on with her or SN child or her job or the finances?

Men need emotional support too. You partner (husband or wife) need to feel love and support and wanted. Not a replaceable object in your life like a coffee table that's supposed to function and move at your whim. Life and marriage is ebbs and flows but if it's always flowing to OP then what is left for DH? Frankly he just sounds resigned and OP sounds very self-centered and believe me, with a cancer diagnosis, it's easy to fall into that because ppl around you will make you feel that it's okay to totally focus on yourself, etc. but if it's years long and not a fatal outcome diagnosis then it's simply a chronically self-focused person in a relationship and that SUCKS. And he can't say it out loud because that makes him sound like an ass - my god man your wife has cancer for god's sake! - and so the partner keeps quiet, gets ignored, seethes, resents, and is bitter and doesn't have anyone to talk about it with because again - it's all about her.

The OP's post is literally LOOK AT ME/DO FOR ME/PAY ATTENTION TO ME - quite literally in her title because what she wants is...him to pay attention to her? When admittedly it's all been about her because of her health issues, they have a SN child AND he works? Like what kind of attention is she seeking? Is he supposed to build an altar? What does "attention" look like and ask for that - but make sure you're giving it back. Make sure that you're actually putting in what you say you so desparately want out of it.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don’t recommend something drastic. I was hospitalized 3x because of a medical condition literally triggered by the stress of keeping my household afloat with an indifferent DH. Both me and the doctors had separate conversations with him and he was read the riot act. It didn’t have any impact on him and he continued to live the same way as he always has. Before those medical incidents I remember thinking “something needs to happen to get him to understand what a big deal this is”. Deep down I knew that was futile, which is why I didn’t do something deliberately. Now I can’t leave because I need his health insurance coverage, network and additional income to survive this medical condition.

So in my experience, by the time you are considering or hoping for something drastic, you have already subconsciously accepted that it wouldn’t make a difference.

[Anonymous]

OP, none of this will work so please don't go down this route. I knew someone who went down this route and ended up hanging herself in the living room so he could find her.

Fast-forward a few years and he's remarried.

If someone isn't listening, no amount of screaming is going to help, and the dynamic is such that the more you do it, the less he hears or wants to hear you.

You have to go at this a different way.

[Anonymous]

I did quite a job when I was about to shatter. Best thing I ever did for myself. I was only unemployed for about 14months and we didn't touch much savings. New job is less stressful and pays more. Fewer hours too. It's a unicorn; not going to lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did quite a job when I was about to shatter. Best thing I ever did for myself. I was only unemployed for about 14months and we didn't touch much savings. New job is less stressful and pays more. Fewer hours too. It's a unicorn; not going to lie.

quoting myself here. I discussed it with him before I quit and we restructured our finances so I could take this break. We are still married and it's better. Not perfect. I still do a second shift and he does a second 30minutes but my life is less stresful for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't even mean having an affair.
I've been working so hard for so long and navigating health problems including cancer last year, colitis, a SN kid, and am exhausted, burned out beyond belief. I keep trying to get dh to engage in taking actions to help me take the gas off the pedal but he only pays lip service - eg if I say we need to move to lower COL area he says 'fine' but does nothing to help, and I am back to back for 10-12h per day so can be hard to make traction. I tried to engage him recently in a choice of new jobs for me and it was like pulling teeth. I have said to him - I am about to shatter into a million pieces pls help me figure out how to not do that and he just... doesn't care.

A huge part of me is tempted to just quit my job for a year and completely leave it to him to figure out how to deal for once. Or SOMETHING. I feel like I am screaming and no one is listening.

I mean this really kindly because I know what it feels like to be about to shatter into a million pieces, but the things you listed (moving to a lower COL area and finding a new job for you) are very big issues with no easy path forward. If I asked my husband for help with those things he may be able to try to break them down into understandable chunks but he may also be so overwhelmed that he doesn’t know what to do. Sometimes people need concrete examples of ways to help. So maybe you’d get more traction by saying “could you take care of Johnny from 8-2 on Saturday so I could get some things done” or something along those lines. I understand that it’s infuriating to have to ask someone so specifically for things because it feels like that’s just one more thing you have to do, but it might help in this case. Good luck. Hang in there. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. And find a friend who will listen to you scream even if they can’t fix anything. Just so they can give you a hug.

[Anonymous]

It means your family and the family relationships are based too much on drama

[Anonymous]

Whatever you are saying makes him anxious, so he shuts down and hopes that if he ignores you, then the problem will go away. Meanwhile, you start freaking out that you can’t get his attention, and you get more out of control.
It’s like that “still face experiment” where the baby starts freaking out in order to get some kind of reaction from his mother.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=FaiXi8KyzOQ

[Anonymous]

Low COL areas don't really exist anymore to be honest. Anything that is not in the middle of a bligted inner city, literally, will not be lower cost post COVID. There are no longer any hidden gems.

[Anonymous]

Leave your job so you can focus on doing what's important, not as part of a weird game against your husband.

[Anonymous]

op - to answer some qs:
- I dont think i've posted this before. maybe? but not for a long time if so.
- when I say engage in choosing between jobs I mean I have a choice between 3 jobs and he keeps avoiding talking about it. But we have to talk about it because they all have impact on our lives.

as for those saying I'm a narcissist, do you think if I were a narcissist I'd be saying that after years and years and years of trying to get this person to fully engage I'm tempted to do something insane? You have to assume that for years I did normal stuff.

And yes I'm sure he's sick of it being more about me than him. And I get that. And - SAME. But If my job requires 10h a day of back to back meetings, high drama and I make 4x as much as him, have been pretty sick for a lot of that and still have to do most of the admin for the kids bc he has adhd, then he is also already getting a LOT more 'me time' just by dint of not having to deal with those three things.

I don't want it to be 'about' me at all. I just want me time too. And I feel like if it were flipped, I'd be pretty proactive knowing i had more time to play with, in helping research options etc etc. Or at least commit to a 15 minute conversation every couple of days where we move the ball fwd instead of avoidance.

[Anonymous]

I have been where you are. You are exhausted, burnt out, and carrying more than your share. You need someone to take the wheel because you’re carrying way too much, and have been for too long. But no one is there. And you are angry at your husband for being such a no one.

Here’s what you need to do.

Leave for a weekend. Make up an excuse — work, family, etc. Go see old friends. Do something that makes you feel human. The world will not collapse. Yes, all your problems will still be there when you come back. But you need to take one tiny step to do something for yourself and disregard everyone else. Put the world you’re carrying down for one second. That is your first assignment.

Now keep scheduling time away. Figure out how to work breaks into your week. Pay a sitter. This is an emergency. Your mental health emergency.

Using some of the time that is yours that you have cleared:
1) hire the best therapist you can find
2) do whatever wellness stuff helps you — exercise, meditation, massage, acupuncture
3) get friends to help you brainstorm solutions. Ask strangers if you don’t have friends. You need to get this out of your head and have other people help you see a sensible path forward
4) you pick the job that is best for you. Best hours. Best work life balance. Best location relative to your kid’s school, best benefits. The job that simplifies your life the most.

Sadly I don’t think you will get your husband’s attention. He sounds very checked out, possibly with mental health issues of his own. You need to figure out how to build your own life boat and save yourself. You are a very resourceful woman who has run laps around your Big Life Problems. You can do this, even though you are feeling so bad right now. The first thing to do is get back to feeling like yourself a bit, the rest will follow.

Good luck