What does it mean if I'm tempted to do something extreme to try to get dh to pay attention?

[Anonymous]

I have been thinking about this post. I have had somewhat similar issues with my husband, and it’s been kind of a big deal.

Here are the issues as I see them:

1). He doesn’t want to argue with you because he loves you and doesn’t want to see you upset. So, he says whatever he thinks will make you happy in the moment, even if he doesn’t actually mean it. This, of course, makes you upset because you wanted to have a real conversation, not be appeased.

2). He can’t actually empathize with how exhausted you are. Men have more testosterone. They don’t get pregnant or give birth. He hasn’t had cancer. He can’t imagine that you could really be so exhausted that him searching on the internet for you would be helpful.

3). He is mad because he thinks that you keep picking fights. From his perspective, you keep bringing up a non-problem and then you get all upset and fight with him no matter what he says.

So now you are at the point where you can’t bring up the topic at all. If you do, he shuts you down.
So, you are ready to flip your sh!t.

I think the thing to do is to give him some kind of script if something specific he can say that will make you happy.

You: “I’m thinking about doing an interview for job A in upstate New York. I want you to offer to look at schools and houses tomorrow on your lunch break.”

Him: “I can look at schools and houses near there tomorrow on my lunch break.”

You: “Oh, thank you! I find that stuff so exhausting. You are the best husband. I’m so lucky I married you.”

Him: “No problem. I like being your knight in shining armor and saving you from distress.”

That way, you can have a few conversations on the subject that end well, and he can feel more confident that you aren’t going to get mad when he actually expresses his opinions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been thinking about this post. I have had somewhat similar issues with my husband, and it’s been kind of a big deal.

Here are the issues as I see them:

1). He doesn’t want to argue with you because he loves you and doesn’t want to see you upset. So, he says whatever he thinks will make you happy in the moment, even if he doesn’t actually mean it. This, of course, makes you upset because you wanted to have a real conversation, not be appeased.

2). He can’t actually empathize with how exhausted you are. Men have more testosterone. They don’t get pregnant or give birth. He hasn’t had cancer. He can’t imagine that you could really be so exhausted that him searching on the internet for you would be helpful.

3). He is mad because he thinks that you keep picking fights. From his perspective, you keep bringing up a non-problem and then you get all upset and fight with him no matter what he says.

So now you are at the point where you can’t bring up the topic at all. If you do, he shuts you down.
So, you are ready to flip your sh!t.

I think the thing to do is to give him some kind of script if something specific he can say that will make you happy.

You: “I’m thinking about doing an interview for job A in upstate New York. I want you to offer to look at schools and houses tomorrow on your lunch break.”

Him: “I can look at schools and houses near there tomorrow on my lunch break.”

You: “Oh, thank you! I find that stuff so exhausting. You are the best husband. I’m so lucky I married you.”

Him: “No problem. I like being your knight in shining armor and saving you from distress.”

That way, you can have a few conversations on the subject that end well, and he can feel more confident that you aren’t going to get mad when he actually expresses his opinions.

This is a kind, thoughtful and practical post. 👏

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been thinking about this post. I have had somewhat similar issues with my husband, and it’s been kind of a big deal.

Here are the issues as I see them:

1). He doesn’t want to argue with you because he loves you and doesn’t want to see you upset. So, he says whatever he thinks will make you happy in the moment, even if he doesn’t actually mean it. This, of course, makes you upset because you wanted to have a real conversation, not be appeased.

2). He can’t actually empathize with how exhausted you are. Men have more testosterone. They don’t get pregnant or give birth. He hasn’t had cancer. He can’t imagine that you could really be so exhausted that him searching on the internet for you would be helpful.

3). He is mad because he thinks that you keep picking fights. From his perspective, you keep bringing up a non-problem and then you get all upset and fight with him no matter what he says.

So now you are at the point where you can’t bring up the topic at all. If you do, he shuts you down.
So, you are ready to flip your sh!t.

I think the thing to do is to give him some kind of script if something specific he can say that will make you happy.

You: “I’m thinking about doing an interview for job A in upstate New York. I want you to offer to look at schools and houses tomorrow on your lunch break.”

Him: “I can look at schools and houses near there tomorrow on my lunch break.”

You: “Oh, thank you! I find that stuff so exhausting. You are the best husband. I’m so lucky I married you.”

Him: “No problem. I like being your knight in shining armor and saving you from distress.”

That way, you can have a few conversations on the subject that end well, and he can feel more confident that you aren’t going to get mad when he actually expresses his opinions.

This is a kind, thoughtful and practical post. 👏

Thank you!

[Anonymous]

op - the last two posts are so helpful ty!