What does it mean if I'm tempted to do something extreme to try to get dh to pay attention?

[Anonymous]

I don't even mean having an affair.
I've been working so hard for so long and navigating health problems including cancer last year, colitis, a SN kid, and am exhausted, burned out beyond belief. I keep trying to get dh to engage in taking actions to help me take the gas off the pedal but he only pays lip service - eg if I say we need to move to lower COL area he says 'fine' but does nothing to help, and I am back to back for 10-12h per day so can be hard to make traction. I tried to engage him recently in a choice of new jobs for me and it was like pulling teeth. I have said to him - I am about to shatter into a million pieces pls help me figure out how to not do that and he just... doesn't care.

A huge part of me is tempted to just quit my job for a year and completely leave it to him to figure out how to deal for once. Or SOMETHING. I feel like I am screaming and no one is listening.

[Anonymous]

I don’t blame you for feeling like that! But could you just go away for a long weekend and start there? Rest and relaxation can help you be calmer and be more willing to break things down for him - I need you to research a low COL area with decent SN services, or I need you to take over dinner for two weeks or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Think of yourself as a single parent. Basically ignore him. Figure out what’s best for you and your child, and take action.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Think of yourself as a single parent. Basically ignore him. Figure out what’s best for you and your child, and take action.

So OP should just move her kid out of state to somewhere cheaper without her husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t blame you for feeling like that! But could you just go away for a long weekend and start there? Rest and relaxation can help you be calmer and be more willing to break things down for him - I need you to research a low COL area with decent SN services, or I need you to take over dinner for two weeks or whatever.

I could...I probably should. allllll we do right now is fight and I am constantly upset bc I feel like some kind of superannuated cindarella. pre slipper.

[Anonymous]

Take FMLA so you have time to think and research.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Think of yourself as a single parent. Basically ignore him. Figure out what’s best for you and your child, and take action.

So OP should just move her kid out of state to somewhere cheaper without her husband?

No, but it sounds like he’s so passive and leaves it up to her to make decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Think of yourself as a single parent. Basically ignore him. Figure out what’s best for you and your child, and take action.

So OP should just move her kid out of state to somewhere cheaper without her husband?

No, but it sounds like he’s so passive and leaves it up to her to make decisions.

It’s because he actually doesn’t want to move. So he’s leaving it to OP to figure it out, and he knows she won’t. They are at a stalemate.

OP: take a weekend away for yourself. Your marriage needs it. Don’t be a martyr about it. Just go, get some good sleep, eat out for every meal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't even mean having an affair.
I've been working so hard for so long and navigating health problems including cancer last year, colitis, a SN kid, and am exhausted, burned out beyond belief. I keep trying to get dh to engage in taking actions to help me take the gas off the pedal but he only pays lip service - eg if I say we need to move to lower COL area he says 'fine' but does nothing to help, and I am back to back for 10-12h per day so can be hard to make traction. I tried to engage him recently in a choice of new jobs for me and it was like pulling teeth. I have said to him - I am about to shatter into a million pieces pls help me figure out how to not do that and he just... doesn't care.

A huge part of me is tempted to just quit my job for a year and completely leave it to him to figure out how to deal for once. Or SOMETHING. I feel like I am screaming and no one is listening.

WTHeck does the bold even mean? I get that you are overwhelmed and need to reconfigure, but asking the bold feels like asking for the wrong thing from your DH.

Your career is your life and your DH should only be involved with if to the extent that you are keeping him up to date with changes that affect the marriage/parenting -- decreases in income, significant changes in commute, decreased amount of time for parenting, impactful changes to benefits like health insurance - otherwise, your career is yours to figure out.

TBH, you need an individual therapist. And I don't say that in the sense of "there is something wrong with you, you need help". You have gone thru a lot of serious health care and child SN stresses and you really need a professional to talk to. Your DH simply isn't qualified to help you, and turning to him is only making you feel worse.

It's a different thing to sit down - in a Fair Play kind of way - and say, I am overwhelmed and unable to continue like this so we need to re-apportion parenting, relationship and household tasks. Here's the list of what I'm doing, what tasks can you commit to taking over?

[Anonymous]

OP, just from your post, it seems you’re pretty deep into the theoretical. Wheat do you need him “to do”? Brainstorm new careers doesn’t seem like a productive activity if you’re truly drowning. Give him actionable tasks eg. Take the kids out for 2 hours twice a week so you have some space to think.

If *you* want to move to lower Col areas, give him some specific cities to research

Approaching everything by the hood that he will engage is wishful thinking. He may be burned out too.

[Anonymous]

Could you get a job again later if you quit your job now? If so... just quit. And don't look back.

[Anonymous]

Just to be contrary, my husband keeps saying he wants to move. And he shows me a house in some random place. I ask how the schools are, if we need a second car to live there, what he can do for work. He never has answers and I guess expects me to do the research to make this happens. But he's the one that wants to move so the onus is on him to actually plan it.

And I also wouldn't expect my husband to find my next job. I could help my husband pick from a few offers and could expect the same from him. But he barely knows what I do all day, so he's no career coach.

I think you need to ask for specific help (research towns in North Carolina or whatever), not just expect him to be proactive to solve all the problems.

[Anonymous]

I tried something like this but it doesn’t work. It’s like a broken vending machine, just because you put more money in or shake it doesn’t mean you’ll get your candy bar. It’s just stuck until a repair person comes… which may be a therapist or similar.

[Anonymous]

Idk. Sometimes these posts are so glaringly one-sided that it begs some perspective of the other side. And maybe it's a bit of projection, but your DH is also impacted by all the things you mention.

He has a SN child
He has/had a ill wife fighting cancer and other health issues which rightly means that a lot of focus and attention has been on YOU and how to make YOU better / heal, etc.
He has the same financial stress as you

You then want to put more pressure and burden on him to sort out your career questions and figure out a whole new area of the country to live - and you say that you guys fight all the time.

Just wondering have you ever checked in with him to see how HE's doing? Just sayin.

Some of this is communication - some if this is managing expectations and also some of this is for those who are chronically ill/mentally ill to understand that although the world does revolve around you frequently, it's often at the expense of ignoring everyone else around you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Idk. Sometimes these posts are so glaringly one-sided that it begs some perspective of the other side. And maybe it's a bit of projection, but your DH is also impacted by all the things you mention.

He has a SN child
He has/had a ill wife fighting cancer and other health issues which rightly means that a lot of focus and attention has been on YOU and how to make YOU better / heal, etc.
He has the same financial stress as you

You then want to put more pressure and burden on him to sort out your career questions and figure out a whole new area of the country to live - and you say that you guys fight all the time.

Just wondering have you ever checked in with him to see how HE's doing? Just sayin.

Some of this is communication - some if this is managing expectations and also some of this is for those who are chronically ill/mentally ill to understand that although the world does revolve around you frequently, it's often at the expense of ignoring everyone else around you.

PP here. Sorry - forgot to answer OP question. What it means when you're willing to blow up your spot to shine the spotlight on you is that you are attention seeking, a poor communicator and perhaps a bit of a narcissist.