When your co-parent lies to your kid

[Anonymous]

What you say to this stuff depends entirely on how old your child is.

Since this sounds like it's still pretty new, it's okay to acknowledge that these changes have been hard. Say, "We are still figuring out what schedule works best for everyone, especially you." With young kids, you can just keep reinforcing that we are still figuring it out, everyone is trying, everyone loves them, etc.

Your best parenting move here is to NEVER put your kid in the position of having to carry these messages for you - both in the context of not saying the stuff your ex said in the first place and also by under-reacting to it when it gets repeated to you. My ex-husband's girlfriend told him, in front of our kid, that I wasn't allowed to come in the house anymore, and when my wide-eyed 4yo said, "Mommy, why did Audrey say you can't come in the house anymore?" I said, "I don't know, baby, but we will do our best to respect Daddy's rules at Daddy's house" and then I changed the subject, while furiously texting my ex to never do that sh*t again.

But I would probably say different things for different ages of kid. That 4yo is 14 now and we have really different conversations about her deadbeat dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does that even mean? Sit down with them and come up with a fixed schedule. Make a joint calendar that you child can see where they should be when.

You don't give specifics but you tell the child you are financially helping the other parent till they get on their feet but they will need to get a job.

We have a fixed schedule. I proposed 50/50, and the other parent told me it was too much, and so we agreed on a schedule with less time. We sat down with kid's therapist and the kid and went through it together, and hung a copy in their room. That was last Thursday. Since then, the other parent has been scheduled for two visits. They dropped the kid off with grandparents once, and didn't show the other time.

That sucks, and I'm sorry other posters are giving you a hard time. So many miserable people on here.

Could your child's therapist be a resource? It sounds like the other parent is emotionally immature...or something...and they need help parenting in this situation. It sounds like they can't tolerate doing something that your child doesn't like but then that intolerance just leads them to do worse things. It's much better for your kid to have a reduced, but predictable, time with them. Maybe the therapist could help them understand that it's better to be somewhat honest and help them through that conversation with the child. "I love you and want to spend time with you, but even grownups struggle sometimes, and I'm struggling to do everything I need to do and be a good mom/dad to you. But I'm working on it and hopefully we will get to spend more time together soon." Or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What you say to this stuff depends entirely on how old your child is.

Since this sounds like it's still pretty new, it's okay to acknowledge that these changes have been hard. Say, "We are still figuring out what schedule works best for everyone, especially you." With young kids, you can just keep reinforcing that we are still figuring it out, everyone is trying, everyone loves them, etc.

Your best parenting move here is to NEVER put your kid in the position of having to carry these messages for you - both in the context of not saying the stuff your ex said in the first place and also by under-reacting to it when it gets repeated to you. My ex-husband's girlfriend told him, in front of our kid, that I wasn't allowed to come in the house anymore, and when my wide-eyed 4yo said, "Mommy, why did Audrey say you can't come in the house anymore?" I said, "I don't know, baby, but we will do our best to respect Daddy's rules at Daddy's house" and then I changed the subject, while furiously texting my ex to never do that sh*t again.

But I would probably say different things for different ages of kid. That 4yo is 14 now and we have really different conversations about her deadbeat dad.

Kid is 12, but I feel as though the conversation is going to be different for a 12 year old who has 8 years to get used to the separation, and for my kid who is still adjusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does that even mean? Sit down with them and come up with a fixed schedule. Make a joint calendar that you child can see where they should be when.

You don't give specifics but you tell the child you are financially helping the other parent till they get on their feet but they will need to get a job.

We have a fixed schedule. I proposed 50/50, and the other parent told me it was too much, and so we agreed on a schedule with less time. We sat down with kid's therapist and the kid and went through it together, and hung a copy in their room. That was last Thursday. Since then, the other parent has been scheduled for two visits. They dropped the kid off with grandparents once, and didn't show the other time.

That sucks, and I'm sorry other posters are giving you a hard time. So many miserable people on here.

Could your child's therapist be a resource? It sounds like the other parent is emotionally immature...or something...and they need help parenting in this situation. It sounds like they can't tolerate doing something that your child doesn't like but then that intolerance just leads them to do worse things. It's much better for your kid to have a reduced, but predictable, time with them. Maybe the therapist could help them understand that it's better to be somewhat honest and help them through that conversation with the child. "I love you and want to spend time with you, but even grownups struggle sometimes, and I'm struggling to do everything I need to do and be a good mom/dad to you. But I'm working on it and hopefully we will get to spend more time together soon." Or whatever.

Sure if co-parent chooses to use that as a resource.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our separation is very new. In the past week, my co-parent has told my kid

1) That the reason we don't have 50/50 custody is because I won't allow them to see the kid.

2) That the reason they missed visitation is because they were job hunting because I "don't give them enough money to live on".

Neither thing is true, and now I have a kid who is sad, missing their other parent, and angry at me because they think it's my fault.

I know I can't fix the sad/missing their parent thing, but not sure how to address the angry thing.

When kid says "Why don't you let parent take me?" Do I tell the truth and say "I offered them 50/50, they told me it was too much."?

When kid says "I don't want co-parent to be poor!" Do I say "Neither do I, that's why I send them $X per month."

I feel as though both of these things would be really hurtful, but so are the lies. Any advice from someone who has been separated longer?

You failed to pick a good partner to have children with. Your fault.

That may be true. But that ship has sailed and the kid exists, and I'm still the one who needs to answer the questions. I'm pretty sure that "Yes, you are right, it's my fault you didn't get to see your parent because I should never have let you be born." Is not the best answer for my kid's self esteem.

So, since the kid is 100% the innocent party here, I still need to come up with responses.

I like you. Love the response to the the know it all, always perfect DCUM poster.

I wish I had a good solution for you. Your ex spouse had put you in an awkward situation. People say over time kids figure it out but it’s hard to watch your kid get hurt by the co parent in the process.

For custody days in the beginning I might say something in the morning like Remember your with other parent tonight. Then if other parent doesn’t show, be ready to comfort the child. Does the 12 yr old have a phone? Can you tell co parent thanks for telling me but you need to call/text our child and let them know of the change in plans?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our separation is very new. In the past week, my co-parent has told my kid

1) That the reason we don't have 50/50 custody is because I won't allow them to see the kid.

2) That the reason they missed visitation is because they were job hunting because I "don't give them enough money to live on".

Neither thing is true, and now I have a kid who is sad, missing their other parent, and angry at me because they think it's my fault.

I know I can't fix the sad/missing their parent thing, but not sure how to address the angry thing.

When kid says "Why don't you let parent take me?" Do I tell the truth and say "I offered them 50/50, they told me it was too much."?

When kid says "I don't want co-parent to be poor!" Do I say "Neither do I, that's why I send them $X per month."

I feel as though both of these things would be really hurtful, but so are the lies. Any advice from someone who has been separated longer?

You failed to pick a good partner to have children with. Your fault.

That may be true. But that ship has sailed and the kid exists, and I'm still the one who needs to answer the questions. I'm pretty sure that "Yes, you are right, it's my fault you didn't get to see your parent because I should never have let you be born." Is not the best answer for my kid's self esteem.

So, since the kid is 100% the innocent party here, I still need to come up with responses.

I like you. Love the response to the the know it all, always perfect DCUM poster.

I wish I had a good solution for you. Your ex spouse had put you in an awkward situation. People say over time kids figure it out but it’s hard to watch your kid get hurt by the co parent in the process.

For custody days in the beginning I might say something in the morning like Remember your with other parent tonight. Then if other parent doesn’t show, be ready to comfort the child. Does the 12 yr old have a phone? Can you tell co parent thanks for telling me but you need to call/text our child and let them know of the change in plans?

Co-parent didn’t tell me. They didn’t show up and when kid texted “where are you” they texted back that they couldn’t come because they had to job hunt because I don’t give them enough money to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our separation is very new. In the past week, my co-parent has told my kid

1) That the reason we don't have 50/50 custody is because I won't allow them to see the kid.

2) That the reason they missed visitation is because they were job hunting because I "don't give them enough money to live on".

Neither thing is true, and now I have a kid who is sad, missing their other parent, and angry at me because they think it's my fault.

I know I can't fix the sad/missing their parent thing, but not sure how to address the angry thing.

When kid says "Why don't you let parent take me?" Do I tell the truth and say "I offered them 50/50, they told me it was too much."?

When kid says "I don't want co-parent to be poor!" Do I say "Neither do I, that's why I send them $X per month."

I feel as though both of these things would be really hurtful, but so are the lies. Any advice from someone who has been separated longer?

You failed to pick a good partner to have children with. Your fault.

That may be true. But that ship has sailed and the kid exists, and I'm still the one who needs to answer the questions. I'm pretty sure that "Yes, you are right, it's my fault you didn't get to see your parent because I should never have let you be born." Is not the best answer for my kid's self esteem.

So, since the kid is 100% the innocent party here, I still need to come up with responses.

I like you. Love the response to the the know it all, always perfect DCUM poster.

I wish I had a good solution for you. Your ex spouse had put you in an awkward situation. People say over time kids figure it out but it’s hard to watch your kid get hurt by the co parent in the process.

For custody days in the beginning I might say something in the morning like Remember your with other parent tonight. Then if other parent doesn’t show, be ready to comfort the child. Does the 12 yr old have a phone? Can you tell co parent thanks for telling me but you need to call/text our child and let them know of the change in plans?

Co-parent didn’t tell me. They didn’t show up and when kid texted “where are you” they texted back that they couldn’t come because they had to job hunt because I don’t give them enough money to live.

Are you giving them enough money for basic expenses?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our separation is very new. In the past week, my co-parent has told my kid

1) That the reason we don't have 50/50 custody is because I won't allow them to see the kid.

2) That the reason they missed visitation is because they were job hunting because I "don't give them enough money to live on".

Neither thing is true, and now I have a kid who is sad, missing their other parent, and angry at me because they think it's my fault.

I know I can't fix the sad/missing their parent thing, but not sure how to address the angry thing.

When kid says "Why don't you let parent take me?" Do I tell the truth and say "I offered them 50/50, they told me it was too much."?

When kid says "I don't want co-parent to be poor!" Do I say "Neither do I, that's why I send them $X per month."

I feel as though both of these things would be really hurtful, but so are the lies. Any advice from someone who has been separated longer?

You failed to pick a good partner to have children with. Your fault.

That may be true. But that ship has sailed and the kid exists, and I'm still the one who needs to answer the questions. I'm pretty sure that "Yes, you are right, it's my fault you didn't get to see your parent because I should never have let you be born." Is not the best answer for my kid's self esteem.

So, since the kid is 100% the innocent party here, I still need to come up with responses.

I like you. Love the response to the the know it all, always perfect DCUM poster.

I wish I had a good solution for you. Your ex spouse had put you in an awkward situation. People say over time kids figure it out but it’s hard to watch your kid get hurt by the co parent in the process.

For custody days in the beginning I might say something in the morning like Remember your with other parent tonight. Then if other parent doesn’t show, be ready to comfort the child. Does the 12 yr old have a phone? Can you tell co parent thanks for telling me but you need to call/text our child and let them know of the change in plans?

Co-parent didn’t tell me. They didn’t show up and when kid texted “where are you” they texted back that they couldn’t come because they had to job hunt because I don’t give them enough money to live.

Are you giving them enough money for basic expenses?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our separation is very new. In the past week, my co-parent has told my kid

1) That the reason we don't have 50/50 custody is because I won't allow them to see the kid.

2) That the reason they missed visitation is because they were job hunting because I "don't give them enough money to live on".

Neither thing is true, and now I have a kid who is sad, missing their other parent, and angry at me because they think it's my fault.

I know I can't fix the sad/missing their parent thing, but not sure how to address the angry thing.

When kid says "Why don't you let parent take me?" Do I tell the truth and say "I offered them 50/50, they told me it was too much."?

When kid says "I don't want co-parent to be poor!" Do I say "Neither do I, that's why I send them $X per month."

I feel as though both of these things would be really hurtful, but so are the lies. Any advice from someone who has been separated longer?

You failed to pick a good partner to have children with. Your fault.

That may be true. But that ship has sailed and the kid exists, and I'm still the one who needs to answer the questions. I'm pretty sure that "Yes, you are right, it's my fault you didn't get to see your parent because I should never have let you be born." Is not the best answer for my kid's self esteem.

So, since the kid is 100% the innocent party here, I still need to come up with responses.

I like you. Love the response to the the know it all, always perfect DCUM poster.

I wish I had a good solution for you. Your ex spouse had put you in an awkward situation. People say over time kids figure it out but it’s hard to watch your kid get hurt by the co parent in the process.

For custody days in the beginning I might say something in the morning like Remember your with other parent tonight. Then if other parent doesn’t show, be ready to comfort the child. Does the 12 yr old have a phone? Can you tell co parent thanks for telling me but you need to call/text our child and let them know of the change in plans?

Co-parent didn’t tell me. They didn’t show up and when kid texted “where are you” they texted back that they couldn’t come because they had to job hunt because I don’t give them enough money to live.

It’s in writing. Take a screen shot to your next meeting with your lawyer. Talk to them about the position this is putting you in. They have seen it all before and will be able to best advise you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our separation is very new. In the past week, my co-parent has told my kid

1) That the reason we don't have 50/50 custody is because I won't allow them to see the kid.

2) That the reason they missed visitation is because they were job hunting because I "don't give them enough money to live on".

Neither thing is true, and now I have a kid who is sad, missing their other parent, and angry at me because they think it's my fault.

I know I can't fix the sad/missing their parent thing, but not sure how to address the angry thing.

When kid says "Why don't you let parent take me?" Do I tell the truth and say "I offered them 50/50, they told me it was too much."?

When kid says "I don't want co-parent to be poor!" Do I say "Neither do I, that's why I send them $X per month."

I feel as though both of these things would be really hurtful, but so are the lies. Any advice from someone who has been separated longer?

You failed to pick a good partner to have children with. Your fault.

That may be true. But that ship has sailed and the kid exists, and I'm still the one who needs to answer the questions. I'm pretty sure that "Yes, you are right, it's my fault you didn't get to see your parent because I should never have let you be born." Is not the best answer for my kid's self esteem.

So, since the kid is 100% the innocent party here, I still need to come up with responses.

I like you. Love the response to the the know it all, always perfect DCUM poster.

I wish I had a good solution for you. Your ex spouse had put you in an awkward situation. People say over time kids figure it out but it’s hard to watch your kid get hurt by the co parent in the process.

For custody days in the beginning I might say something in the morning like Remember your with other parent tonight. Then if other parent doesn’t show, be ready to comfort the child. Does the 12 yr old have a phone? Can you tell co parent thanks for telling me but you need to call/text our child and let them know of the change in plans?

Co-parent didn’t tell me. They didn’t show up and when kid texted “where are you” they texted back that they couldn’t come because they had to job hunt because I don’t give them enough money to live.

Are you giving them enough money for basic expenses?

Yes. The alimony is generous enough that they could have a nice standard of living. That isn’t to say that they shouldn’t get a job. I would think that might be a nice way to fill their days.

But interviews don’t suddenly happen with so little warning that you can’t call a kid and apologize in advance.

[Anonymous]

I'm not separated, but I grew up with divorced parents who co-parented well. Some thoughts:

1) Have you considered a few coparenting sessions with a therapist? That might help you figure out what to do about the 50/50 comments, and give you a chance to air some of your grievances and set get on the same page with how you'll talk to the kids.

2) Every day, come up with something positive to say about your ex to your child. It'll feel awkward, you'll hate it at first, but you'll get better at it, and it will really help. Remember, your kid is half-them.

3) The second comment is mean, and I agree was not a fair or wise thing to say to your son. But it's not objectively false. Yes, your ex needs to get a job, because while you're giving them some money, it's not enough to live on. How is that not accurate? You're not the villain here, because an able-bodied adult needs a job to support themselves, so duh, yes, your ex needs to get a job. Now, the fact that the only time he or she could work on that was during visitation is but this statement as written is not objectively false.

4) Talk to your lawyer about this to make sure it doesn't create problems for you, but what if you modeled flexibility? Aim to reschedule (only at a time that works for you!!) if your ex needs to be doing job search stuff during his time. If your ex is calling to say "I'm not going to make it cause your mom won't pay me" or whatever, then you can say (out loud, in front of child) "oh, I'm so sorry today doesn't work. Is there another evening this week that might? Maybe we can reschedule. Particularly because it doesn't sound like he's all of a sudden going to start asking for tons of time, this might send the right message to your kid that YOU think his time with dad is valuable, and YOU facilitate that, not hinder it.

5) For my responses for these exact questions, I'd try:

"Why don't you let parent take me?" => "I'm sorry this visit didn't work out. You really miss him, huh? This is a big change, that's so hard." (ie, validate his emotions, which are real, and gloss over the lie)

"I don't want co-parent to be poor!" => "Me neither! I hope his job search is going well. I'm sure he'll find something soon. He's so good at X skill." Oooh and look! You've gotten in your daily complement! Success!

Just some ideas. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not separated, but I grew up with divorced parents who co-parented well. Some thoughts:

1) Have you considered a few coparenting sessions with a therapist? That might help you figure out what to do about the 50/50 comments, and give you a chance to air some of your grievances and set get on the same page with how you'll talk to the kids.

2) Every day, come up with something positive to say about your ex to your child. It'll feel awkward, you'll hate it at first, but you'll get better at it, and it will really help. Remember, your kid is half-them.

3) The second comment is mean, and I agree was not a fair or wise thing to say to your son. But it's not objectively false. Yes, your ex needs to get a job, because while you're giving them some money, it's not enough to live on. How is that not accurate? You're not the villain here, because an able-bodied adult needs a job to support themselves, so duh, yes, your ex needs to get a job. Now, the fact that the only time he or she could work on that was during visitation is but this statement as written is not objectively false.

4) Talk to your lawyer about this to make sure it doesn't create problems for you, but what if you modeled flexibility? Aim to reschedule (only at a time that works for you!!) if your ex needs to be doing job search stuff during his time. If your ex is calling to say "I'm not going to make it cause your mom won't pay me" or whatever, then you can say (out loud, in front of child) "oh, I'm so sorry today doesn't work. Is there another evening this week that might? Maybe we can reschedule. Particularly because it doesn't sound like he's all of a sudden going to start asking for tons of time, this might send the right message to your kid that YOU think his time with dad is valuable, and YOU facilitate that, not hinder it.

5) For my responses for these exact questions, I'd try:

"Why don't you let parent take me?" => "I'm sorry this visit didn't work out. You really miss him, huh? This is a big change, that's so hard." (ie, validate his emotions, which are real, and gloss over the lie)

"I don't want co-parent to be poor!" => "Me neither! I hope his job search is going well. I'm sure he'll find something soon. He's so good at X skill." Oooh and look! You've gotten in your daily complement! Success!

Just some ideas. Good luck.

1) I am working with kid’s therapist, but pretty sure co-parent wouldn’t be open to that.

2) That is definitely something I can work on. I am careful not to say negative things but I could say more positive things.

3) This isn’t true. I pay more in alimony than the median income for my county. Co-parent is living with their parents so they don’t have housing costs. Should they find a job? Yes, but they are not in a situation where they need to spend every second job hunting and can’t take a break for a few hours on a weekend morning or to take kid for dinner.

4) I have mixed feelings about this. I sent a text saying “Kid was disappointed not to see you. Do you want time tomorrow? The reply I got was “no thank you”. Do I subject my kid to seeing that?

5) I like your scripts! They really aren’t at risk for being poor though.

[Anonymous]

So, why is the co-parent so angry?

Sounds like you dumped them. For no good reason, perhaps?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

So, why is the co-parent so angry?

Sounds like you dumped them. For no good reason, perhaps?

You write fascinating fiction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So, why is the co-parent so angry?

Sounds like you dumped them. For no good reason, perhaps?

You write fascinating fiction.

My bet is OP will be too ashamed to say.