When your co-parent lies to your kid

[Anonymous]

Our separation is very new. In the past week, my co-parent has told my kid

1) That the reason we don't have 50/50 custody is because I won't allow them to see the kid.

2) That the reason they missed visitation is because they were job hunting because I "don't give them enough money to live on".

Neither thing is true, and now I have a kid who is sad, missing their other parent, and angry at me because they think it's my fault.

I know I can't fix the sad/missing their parent thing, but not sure how to address the angry thing.

When kid says "Why don't you let parent take me?" Do I tell the truth and say "I offered them 50/50, they told me it was too much."?

When kid says "I don't want co-parent to be poor!" Do I say "Neither do I, that's why I send them $X per month."

I feel as though both of these things would be really hurtful, but so are the lies. Any advice from someone who has been separated longer?

[Anonymous]

This would be enough for me to get lawyers involved tbh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This would be enough for me to get lawyers involved tbh.

We are in the very beginning stages, and lawyers are involved, but how does a lawyer stop this?

My guess is that if the custody order said "parent may not discuss alimony and child support" then co-parent will tell the kid "don't tell (me), but . . . " and that'll just be worse for the kid.

[Anonymous]

What does that even mean? Sit down with them and come up with a fixed schedule. Make a joint calendar that you child can see where they should be when.

You don't give specifics but you tell the child you are financially helping the other parent till they get on their feet but they will need to get a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This would be enough for me to get lawyers involved tbh.

Agreed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This would be enough for me to get lawyers involved tbh.

We are in the very beginning stages, and lawyers are involved, but how does a lawyer stop this?

My guess is that if the custody order said "parent may not discuss alimony and child support" then co-parent will tell the kid "don't tell (me), but . . . " and that'll just be worse for the kid.

You don't discuss money with a child. You do a set schedule for custody.visitation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This would be enough for me to get lawyers involved tbh.

We are in the very beginning stages, and lawyers are involved, but how does a lawyer stop this?

My guess is that if the custody order said "parent may not discuss alimony and child support" then co-parent will tell the kid "don't tell (me), but . . . " and that'll just be worse for the kid.

you can have provisions in it that he can’t disparage you and that you agree not to discuss finances. you should definitely ask your lawyer about this.

[Anonymous]

You should definitely talk to the lawyer a shave them out in the divorce papers that neither parent can talk badly about the other. That’s almost standard. With your child, you tell them the absolute truth. “What dad said is not accurate. I absolutely did not stop him from seeing you.”

[Anonymous]

Ugh that sucks op.

My husband and his ex have a nondisparagement clause in their divroce agreement. It's like on sentence that you are not allowed to disparage the other parent in front of the child. Not sure if it helps.

My boyfriend in high school, his mom let his dad get primary custody and then claimed she "had" to because his dad "wouldn't let her have shared." In retrospect it was such BS. This was the eighties and she had been a sahm (was leaving for an affair) and there's no way she wouldn't have been able to get at least fifty fifty. But my boyfriend believed her and blamed his dad!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does that even mean? Sit down with them and come up with a fixed schedule. Make a joint calendar that you child can see where they should be when.

You don't give specifics but you tell the child you are financially helping the other parent till they get on their feet but they will need to get a job.

We have a fixed schedule. I proposed 50/50, and the other parent told me it was too much, and so we agreed on a schedule with less time. We sat down with kid's therapist and the kid and went through it together, and hung a copy in their room. That was last Thursday. Since then, the other parent has been scheduled for two visits. They dropped the kid off with grandparents once, and didn't show the other time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does that even mean? Sit down with them and come up with a fixed schedule. Make a joint calendar that you child can see where they should be when.

You don't give specifics but you tell the child you are financially helping the other parent till they get on their feet but they will need to get a job.

We have a fixed schedule. I proposed 50/50, and the other parent told me it was too much, and so we agreed on a schedule with less time. We sat down with kid's therapist and the kid and went through it together, and hung a copy in their room. That was last Thursday. Since then, the other parent has been scheduled for two visits. They dropped the kid off with grandparents once, and didn't show the other time.

If they have to get a job, maybe they have interviews, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our separation is very new. In the past week, my co-parent has told my kid

1) That the reason we don't have 50/50 custody is because I won't allow them to see the kid.

2) That the reason they missed visitation is because they were job hunting because I "don't give them enough money to live on".

Neither thing is true, and now I have a kid who is sad, missing their other parent, and angry at me because they think it's my fault.

I know I can't fix the sad/missing their parent thing, but not sure how to address the angry thing.

When kid says "Why don't you let parent take me?" Do I tell the truth and say "I offered them 50/50, they told me it was too much."?

When kid says "I don't want co-parent to be poor!" Do I say "Neither do I, that's why I send them $X per month."

I feel as though both of these things would be really hurtful, but so are the lies. Any advice from someone who has been separated longer?

You failed to pick a good partner to have children with. Your fault.

That may be true. But that ship has sailed and the kid exists, and I'm still the one who needs to answer the questions. I'm pretty sure that "Yes, you are right, it's my fault you didn't get to see your parent because I should never have let you be born." Is not the best answer for my kid's self esteem.

So, since the kid is 100% the innocent party here, I still need to come up with responses.

[Anonymous]

How old is the child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does that even mean? Sit down with them and come up with a fixed schedule. Make a joint calendar that you child can see where they should be when.

You don't give specifics but you tell the child you are financially helping the other parent till they get on their feet but they will need to get a job.

We have a fixed schedule. I proposed 50/50, and the other parent told me it was too much, and so we agreed on a schedule with less time. We sat down with kid's therapist and the kid and went through it together, and hung a copy in their room. That was last Thursday. Since then, the other parent has been scheduled for two visits. They dropped the kid off with grandparents once, and didn't show the other time.

If they have to get a job, maybe they have interviews, etc.

I could argue that they don't have to get a job, but I won't go into why. But I made it very clear that if they needed to change a date for any reason, they should reach out. They could have said "I have a job interview on Tuesday, any chance I could take kid Wednesday?" and I would have said yes, without hesitation. Or they could have called before the interview (not while kid was waiting expecting them to show) and said, "I'm sorry, I have a job interview" and left out the "because parent doesn't give me any money".

I also don't think they had job interviews, given the timing, but I can't prove that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is the child?

12