Reply to When your co-parent lies to your kid

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm not separated, but I grew up with divorced parents who co-parented well. Some thoughts:

1) Have you considered a few coparenting sessions with a therapist? That might help you figure out what to do about the 50/50 comments, and give you a chance to air some of your grievances and set get on the same page with how you'll talk to the kids.

2) Every day, come up with something positive to say about your ex to your child. It'll feel awkward, you'll hate it at first, but you'll get better at it, and it will really help. Remember, your kid is half-them.

3) The second comment is mean, and I agree was not a fair or wise thing to say to your son. But it's not objectively false. Yes, your ex needs to get a job, because while you're giving them some money, it's not enough to live on. How is that not accurate? You're not the villain here, because an able-bodied adult needs a job to support themselves, so duh, yes, your ex needs to get a job. Now, the fact that the only time he or she could work on that was during visitation is  :roll: but this statement as written is not objectively false.

4) Talk to your lawyer about this to make sure it doesn't create problems for you, but what if you modeled flexibility? Aim to reschedule (only at a time that works for you!!) if your ex needs to be doing job search stuff during his time. If your ex is calling to say &quot;I'm not going to make it cause your mom won't pay me&quot; or whatever, then you can say (out loud, in front of child) &quot;oh, I'm so sorry today doesn't work. Is there another evening this week that might? Maybe we can reschedule. Particularly because it doesn't sound like he's all of a sudden going to start asking for tons of time, this might send the right message to your kid that YOU think his time with dad is valuable, and YOU facilitate that, not hinder it.

5) For my responses for these exact questions, I'd try:

&quot;Why don't you let parent take me?&quot;  =&gt; &quot;I'm sorry this visit didn't work out. You really miss him, huh? This is a big change, that's so hard.&quot; (ie, validate his emotions, which are real, and gloss over the lie)

&quot;I don't want co-parent to be poor!&quot;  =&gt; &quot;Me neither! I hope his job search is going well. I'm sure he'll find something soon. He's so good at X skill.&quot; Oooh and look! You've gotten in your daily complement! Success!

Just some ideas. Good luck. [/quote]

1) I am working with kid’s therapist, but pretty sure co-parent wouldn’t be open to that.

2) That is definitely something I can work on.  I am careful not to say negative things but I could say more positive things.

3) This isn’t true.  I pay more in alimony than the median income for my county.  Co-parent is living with their parents so they don’t have housing costs.  Should they find a job?  Yes, but they are not in a situation where they need to spend every second job hunting and can’t take a break for a few hours on a weekend morning or to take kid for dinner.

4) I have mixed feelings about this.  I sent a text saying “Kid was disappointed not to see you.  Do you want time tomorrow?  The reply I got was “no thank you”.  Do I subject my kid to seeing that?

5) I like your scripts!  They really aren’t at risk for being poor though.[/quote]

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