When your co-parent lies to your kid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad used to say dumb shit like that. After a while it was clear to me what was what. My mother didn’t need to correct his lies. I challenged and questioned him when it became apparent he didn’t pick me up because he didn’t plan to or didn’t call when he said he would. So after a while he stopped telling those lies about my mother and started blaming me when we didn’t speak or see each other over months. Always someone else’s fault besides his.

XH had a sad story he would tell the children when they were little. He hammered away, relentless about how I'd done him wrong. They were really young. I think he may have overdone it because when I learned what was going on and asked them about it they said, "Oh, he says that all the time," like it was NBD.

The less you say, the better, OP. Don't get defensive. Find a short response and stick to it. Mine was something along the lines of, "Well, we both love you very much." Then I'd change the subject. It's been almost 15 years and he still recites the same shit.

[Anonymous]

This poor child. What a terrible way to grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This would be enough for me to get lawyers involved tbh.

OP's problem is not one that lawyers can solve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This would be enough for me to get lawyers involved tbh.

We are in the very beginning stages, and lawyers are involved, but how does a lawyer stop this?

My guess is that if the custody order said "parent may not discuss alimony and child support" then co-parent will tell the kid "don't tell (me), but . . . " and that'll just be worse for the kid.

There are disparagement clauses in every MSA boilerplate and judges take that very seriously.

Sure. They'll hold them in contempt. And? If they're like my ex, it won't change anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad used to say dumb shit like that. After a while it was clear to me what was what. My mother didn’t need to correct his lies. I challenged and questioned him when it became apparent he didn’t pick me up because he didn’t plan to or didn’t call when he said he would. So after a while he stopped telling those lies about my mother and started blaming me when we didn’t speak or see each other over months. Always someone else’s fault besides his.

XH had a sad story he would tell the children when they were little. He hammered away, relentless about how I'd done him wrong. They were really young. I think he may have overdone it because when I learned what was going on and asked them about it they said, "Oh, he says that all the time," like it was NBD.

The less you say, the better, OP. Don't get defensive. Find a short response and stick to it. Mine was something along the lines of, "Well, we both love you very much." Then I'd change the subject. It's been almost 15 years and he still recites the same shit.

Same here.

Point is, OP - you need to play the long game. At 12, it won't take your kids too long to see the truth of things. In the meantime, the biggest gift you can give your kid is to keep them out of the argument and never say anything nasty about the ex.

But also.... your kid is hurting right now and very angry, most likely. Sounds like your ex is as well. So its also likely that your kid has a lot of anger that needs to go somewhere and is being directed at you. It's also possible that your kid is actually amplifying the anger (ie., ex isn't being as negative as it appears) because they need a scapegoat. So, stick to the facts, don't argue about it in front of your kid, and know that you are going to be a punching bag for a bit because you have a tween who has just been through something traumatic.