Wife behaves like a child during arguments and throws things. Call the cops?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You're correct; it is unacceptable. You swiftly got the usual kind of post here asking "What did you do?" because many posters here like to pretend that for "fairness" they need to assign immediate blame to any OP who describes a spouse doing anything like this -- especially if the OP is a man talking about his wife's behavior. But even if you "did something," throwing things is out of all bounds. Even if you were terrible, throwing things is not the response of any reasonable person unless she's throwing stuff AT you because you're physically attacking her. Figuring that that's not the case:

Do you leave the room instantly when she throws the first object or even grabs something and raises it as if about to throw it? That's what you need to do. No trying to talk her down or whatever. She grabs, she raises, you go out the door, and fast. You can say ONE time, the next time this starts: "I get that you're angry and I acknowlege that, but if you throw or attempt to throw anything, I will leave the house immediately." Then do it. Walk out. "I'm leaving and will be back later, to give you time to calm down." As you are exiting. I would actually drive to somewhere nearby and not come back for at least an hour. NOT to punish her, OP, but to put space between you so she can cool down.

That's the temporary measure, though. If you want to stay in the marriage and you care for the person she is when she's not this kind of angry: You should be asking yourself, is she mentally OK? The answer seems to be "No." Can she have ANY sort of conversation that is not a disagreement? Have you ever sat down with her while she was calm, not when she's just had a tantrum!, and said, "I'm concerned about you and about the reactions that anger produces. Being angry is one thing, we all get angry. But when you throw things, I feel under attack and it's not acceptable for adults to throw things. It makes me worried for your health. I am not talking now about any of the stuff we've argued about, at all; I am talking about only the reaction of throwing things when we do argue. What do you think we need to do so you don't get to the point of throwing things?"

Any chance she's acting out reactions she witnessed one of her own parents using?
Does she work, and if so, does she have anger issues re: work and she bottles them up so any trigger at home turns into misplaced, redirected rage?
Do YOU continue to argue once she shows signs of being unable to talk but shows signs she's getting this kind of angry? (If you do: Stop it.)
Why do you disagree so much? Sounds like this is pretty frequent--yes?
What is she like when she's not like this? Is this a Jekyll-and-Hyde thing where she's fine all the time, until suddenly--?
Do specific topics cause these kinds of outbursts? Have there been things between you like infidelity or other major stresses and you're not seeing how badly they affect her, and bring them up sometimes? (Again-- that would not excuse her throwing things, even if you are wrongly provoking her. But if you are: Stop it. And get marriage therapy as fast as you can.)

OP wants the cops to put his wife in time out. He’s either a troll or an idiot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t sound like you think you are in any immediate danger.

If I am reading that wrong, and you do believe you are in danger, you should leave your abusive spouse and go stay with friends or in a hotel while you file for divorce.

If you do not believe you are in danger don’t call the police, because their job isn’t to get revenge on your spouse for you, and as you correctly note, there is a solid chance you will be arrested (some localities require the arrest of both parties, and remember by the time the police arrive it is your word against hers and she may have been throwing something because she was in mortal fear of her life…). Initiate divorce proceedings against your abusive spouse.

Throwing inanimate objects is domestic violence. Why are we so accepting of DV when a woman does it?

[Anonymous]

No kids then just leave ! File for separation and divorce. If you need the cops to fix your spouse you do not need that spouse.

[Anonymous]

This will not solve anything. And you’ll have legal bills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t sound like you think you are in any immediate danger.

If I am reading that wrong, and you do believe you are in danger, you should leave your abusive spouse and go stay with friends or in a hotel while you file for divorce.

If you do not believe you are in danger don’t call the police, because their job isn’t to get revenge on your spouse for you, and as you correctly note, there is a solid chance you will be arrested (some localities require the arrest of both parties, and remember by the time the police arrive it is your word against hers and she may have been throwing something because she was in mortal fear of her life…). Initiate divorce proceedings against your abusive spouse.

Throwing inanimate objects is domestic violence. Why are we so accepting of DV when a woman does it?

Are you struggling to read? I told the OP to leave his wife. I told him *not* to call the police in an effort to punish his wife since that is not what the police are for.

[Anonymous]

We used to get in similar arguments. I found this book very helpful:

https://www.amazon.com/Hold-Me-Tight-Conversations-Lifetime/dp/031611300X/ref=pd_aw_fbt_img_sccl_2/143-1465328-2883833?pd_rd_w=RD9CR&content-id=amzn1.sym.1383228f-ab5d-4064-97d6-80297ffcccd8&pf_rd_p=1383228f-ab5d-4064-97d6-80297ffcccd8&pf_rd_r=8VPSM2JMV42HAEJX4QXK&pd_rd_wg=qMTnf&pd_rd_r=c41ff9e4-9f85-468b-9e09-aaa7b4b2b2d5&pd_rd_i=031611300X&psc=1

Basically, this kind of fight happens when you are both playing the blame game and trying to prove the other person is at fault. If you can step out of it and blame the pattern of the argument, rather than blame your spouse, then you can move past it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have kids?

No

Then why are you still married to her?
Divorce.

[Anonymous]

8 year olds aren't toddlers
Her behavior isn't acceptable.
In your case I would not call the cops.
Just leave.
Leave the house.

And leave the marriage.

[Anonymous]

It doesn’t sound like you are trying to protect yourself or like you are frightened that she is going to hurt you.

It sounds like you are trying to use the law to control her and “set her straight.”

I’m having trouble seeing you as some big victim here, man. Sorry.

And yes. I would say the same thing to a woman who made similar statements about someone physically smaller and weaker than she was. Like an elderly parent/grandparent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t sound like you think you are in any immediate danger.

If I am reading that wrong, and you do believe you are in danger, you should leave your abusive spouse and go stay with friends or in a hotel while you file for divorce.

If you do not believe you are in danger don’t call the police, because their job isn’t to get revenge on your spouse for you, and as you correctly note, there is a solid chance you will be arrested (some localities require the arrest of both parties, and remember by the time the police arrive it is your word against hers and she may have been throwing something because she was in mortal fear of her life…). Initiate divorce proceedings against your abusive spouse.

Throwing inanimate objects is domestic violence. Why are we so accepting of DV when a woman does it?

We aren’t.
If a woman is doing this to someone who is physically smaller than she is with less power, then it’s not acceptable. No one thinks this would be okay if OP’s wife was throwing things at her child, or at a grandparent who lives with them.
It’s not that this is a woman. It’s that OP didn’t get hurt and isn’t the weaker person in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Get a divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Scared to death they’ll try to arrest me when I’m the real victim. They’ll almost always go after the man automatically. But it’s getting kind of ridiculous. We cannot have any disagreements whatsoever without my wife turning into a screaming 8 year old toddler who throws things both at walls and at me. Isn’t this unacceptable? Really thinking about calling the cops next time she has a toddler tantrum. I do t think she’d last a single night in jail and it’d set her straight. How risky is this for a man to protect himself using the law?

Unbelievable.

Bad trolling.

[Anonymous]

Please leave OP. It's for your own safety.

[Anonymous]

You aren’t trying to “protect yourself” you’re trying to punish her. If you need protection, pursue leaving her. If you don’t, stop trying to punish her like a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t sound like you are trying to protect yourself or like you are frightened that she is going to hurt you.

It sounds like you are trying to use the law to control her and “set her straight.”

I’m having trouble seeing you as some big victim here, man. Sorry.

And yes. I would say the same thing to a woman who made similar statements about someone physically smaller and weaker than she was. Like an elderly parent/grandparent.

Agree 100%. There are many subtle red flags in OP’s post.