Tips on having a discreet, private pregnancy, birth and postpartum experience?
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Anonymous
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Hi OP. I felt this way too -- if I could have just announced the baby after delivery, that would have been my preference. I didn't because it would have hurt my parents and in-laws. And, I planned to see them in person for Christmas and I was showing by then (May due date) so telling would have been unavoidable without skipping those visits.
No tips except to just not tell, not post photos, etc. I agree with PP that you may want to take photos for yourself. A photo of me, DH, and baby in the OR after delivery is one of my favorites from that time. I slightly regret not getting professional newborn pics. Also, if your relatives are as nosy as mine, they may show up on your doorstep without invitation. Have a plan for that. DH took 2 weeks off, and I took 14 weeks for maternity leave. I did not need, want, or use family help during that time. I don't think you absolutely need a nurse or meal delivery in lieu of family help. |
Anonymous
| The more weird,y rigid you are the more people will be curious. Play it casual. |
Anonymous
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Shiv, is that you?
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Anonymous
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A lot of this just requires directness and enforcement, but realize, you ultimately don't have control over other people's actions, so if you are super serious about some of these things you will have to disengage with some people and limit your socializing.
Photos - You tell people you do not want photos taken. Keep your eye out for candids and do not post for photos. Shower - Be direct about a shower. Be direct that you do not want a surprise shower. Do not cooperate with shower planning. If you walk into a surprise shower, walk out. No social media - Tell people you do you not want your pregnancy mentioned on social media at all. Remind people who are likely to disrespect this, or go to lengths to keep this a secret from them. Ask trusted relatives who are in your corner to police this for you, which may be uncomfortable for them to say "Hey Aunt Sally, Larla doesn't want her pregnancy on social media, so can you remove that post?" Or at a minimum, ask someone to report it to you if it ends up there. Then stay off social media yourself. Visiting - I mean, just say no. This seems easy to enforce. If you are super concerned or have major boundary-violators in your family, tell the nurses early and often that they are to admit NO visitors under any circumstances. Do not let people in your house. Be direct, early and often about this. I think the best way to achieve these goals, guaranteed, is to wear baggy clothes, and stay home as much as possible. Be "busy" for the last 4 months of your pregnancy. Don't socialize with people you don't want to know. Then announce after the baby is born. |
Anonymous
| OP is this your first? |
Anonymous
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My daughter asked to see pictures of me pregnant with her and pics from her birth. Maybe take private photos for your immediate family?
If this is trauma related I apologize for any pressure. Congratulations 🌸 |
Anonymous
| Have you been screened for anxiety or depression? |
Anonymous
| If you are clocked pregnant give the wrong due date. It will give you a nice buffer. |
Anonymous
All of this. OP, I’m also very private and hate being the center of attention. But well down this whole parenthood road, I agree with PP that flexibility is your friend. |
Anonymous
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DP in response to everyone suggesting OP is being rigid and odd -- if this were a different medical issue and OP didn't want her family bothering her, the advice on DCUM would be "just don't tell them."
On top of that, pregnancy is not universally joyful for the pregnant person. I wanted a baby, but I had intense fear surrounding pregnancy and L&D. And before somebody says "so get therapy" -- of course the therapist said to minimize stressful interactions like posting on social media or interacting with anxious relatives. My MIL, who I love and who has been a huge help with my kids, was a terror when I was pregnant. She would come over in the middle of the day and stare at me like she could see the baby in there. When I went in for a c-section she cried because she couldn't be at the delivery (not that her being there was ever discussed). Some people are just too much, and OP knows whether her relatives are in that category. |
Anonymous
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I basically did this, more so with my first. I told my family around 6 months. My family isn't super clingy, quite the opposite, so I just didn't mention it on phone calls. They tend to have high anxiety and it was already a high-risk pregnancy so I didn't want them escalating the anxiety and, unfortunately, they're negative, pessimistic, depressing people in general, and I didn't want to have to deal with that for my long-awaited first pregnancy. A friend took a photo of me the day before i gave birth, and my child does like seeing that so I'd take at least one photo where you're super pregnant.
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Anonymous
| This sounds really weird. Is there some sort of abuse situation going on? Or are you suffering from Main Character Syndrome? I can’t figure out which one it is, and would tailor my advice accordingly |
Anonymous
11:44 PP here. I was posting at the same time but wanted to agree with everything you wrote. |
Anonymous
| Who is forcing you to do any of this stuff? You sound like you just wanted to announce to all of us how in control you are |
Anonymous
| You're going to have to "socially isolate". Maybe claim recurring covid? |