Tips on having a discreet, private pregnancy, birth and postpartum experience?

[Anonymous]

I felt like this with my first pregnancy and what it ended up being was a lot of discomfort with ideas about my changing identity (from a scholar with a Phd to a mom), fear of childbirth, and just a whole lot of uncertainty in general. I couldn't talk about things with other people because I didn't know what I thought about it all. I didn't want family in the hospital either because I wanted a chance to acclimate to the baby. My mom came anyway and ignored my wishes. Don't tell people until after the fact. Wear bigger clothes rather than maternity clothes. Take a baby care class and a childbirth class. Hire a doula.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s odd that you and your Dh have problems with BOTH of your families. Are you part of a cult or something?

[Anonymous]

I think this is all fine. Start reducing your social media now, though, because if it’s sudden people will absolutely guess this is why. Around 24 weeks say you’ve decided to take a break from Facebook or Instagram (and then do so).

The rest of it is as easy as not being in photos and maybe declining some invitations that you otherwise would have accepted.

— Didn’t tell anyone until 7months, plenty of people found out after the baby arrived, no issues detected.

[Anonymous]

I didn't keep any of my pregnancies top-secret, but I do sympathize with some of the OP's preferences. 14yrs later, I still remember a receptionist at my building calling my office line and asking if I have anything to announce after noticing that I might be pregnant. It felt so invasive that I was furious. I had had a miscarriage just before and then had bleeding throughout my first trimester of what was ultimately a successful pregnancy, so the last thing I wanted was unsolicited attention.

[Anonymous]

I mean I told people I know but didn’t post about it on social media. There were no photos because I don’t have a huge social media presence anyway and am kind of private about pictures.

I would just not make a big deal out of it. You’re going to have to tell family though, but you can probably hold off until you’re much further along.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you can definitely keep it as discreet as you like. Don't tell anyone until the baby's here, don't post on social media and don't pose for photographs with anyone who does.
Don't see your family once you start showing.

Realistically, be prepared for some hurt feelings and ask yourself if you want to deal with them when you're also recovering from pregnancy and childbirth and adjusting to being a parent. I don't think you can expect any help from them during the newborn phase either.

[Anonymous]

Might be easier to announce it now and tell everyone to seriously back off, vs have the stress of hiding it for months. Depends how much your family sees you and how near they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you can definitely keep it as discreet as you like. Don't tell anyone until the baby's here, don't post on social media and don't pose for photographs with anyone who does.
Don't see your family once you start showing.

Realistically, be prepared for some hurt feelings and ask yourself if you want to deal with them when you're also recovering from pregnancy and childbirth and adjusting to being a parent. I don't think you can expect any help from them during the newborn phase either.

I'm one of the PPs who had a "discreet, private pregnancy, birth and postpartum experience." Not having my family intrude right away under the excuse of "helping" was exactly what I wanted!

[Anonymous]

Be a military spouse. Moce 800 miles from your parents. Ensure your spouse is part of a shitty squadron. Have a baby during his deployment. Done.

(Do not recommend)

[Anonymous]

My ILs are intrusive and nosy. I didn’t tell them about my pregnancies until I was through the first trimester.

I chose not to find out the sex of the babies-this annoyed both and MIL even asked if she could accompany me to the sonogram appointment to find out for herself.

DH and I agreed to call ILs only after our babies had been born. Otherwise, we knew they’d do as they’d done before with other grandchildren and camp out in the waiting room.

MIL asked if she could accompany me to well baby appointments. Not to help but just to “listen” since she wanted to learn new tips to help her in childcare.

MIL disappointed in my choice to EBF (and my one baby refused a bottle) since this limited her ability to help.

[Anonymous]

PP above and line up all forms of help now; cleaning service, meal prep, night nurse, dog walker. Go with a pro so that you can politely tell family members who insist that they’ll come over to do laundry, dust, drop off meals, take care of your dog, etc that you’re good and have it all taken care of.

You need to convey your independence and self sufficiency.

[Anonymous]

I’m sure you have good reasons for your preferences, and I support you in having them.

A couple thoughts: rethink having any pictures taken if you while pregnant. Not a vanity photo shoot, but just a couple simple selfies taken in front of a mirror or by your partner when you feel particularly happy about the baby. Maybe when you feel them move or have the hiccups. Something that is a nice memory you can share later with your child. It won’t be about you but about the bond with and love for your child. But I’m with you about hospital pictures. I’m so glad there’s no record of how I looked. I was in heaven with the new baby but I looked like hell. No thank you.

Also, if you feel like you are getting pressure for a baby shower or other baby celebrations, think about hosting a fundraiser for a local women’s shelter or gather supplies for refugees or low-income mothers. Culturally, we love to celebrate and support mothers-to-be and having an outlet away from you, might help relieve the pressure others are putting on you.

Congrats on the baby, OP and all the best.

[Anonymous]

Never share your due date. If pressured, say a date 1-2 months later. Otherwise the “have you had the baby yet?” Texts are endless

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure why you are being so dramatic about this, presumably any toxic/dangerous people in your life should be cutoff by now. People are not going to be obsessing about this as much as you are. Wear lose tops and go on spouse- only trips. Whenever you are ready to let people know about the baby arrival there’s not going to be a riot, people will say wow we had no idea, congratulations. Life will go on. Millions of women do it everyday, many by themselves. It’s nice to have help but not essential.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, you do you. But just understand that recluse behavior like this will be viewed by people who care about you as concerning.

Also, you're about to have a child. You should probably adjust the rigidity in your thinking more generally.

This.

Nobody can force you to have a shower. Having said that, most people celebrate with family and friends who will be thrilled for you and eager to shower you with love.

You have control over your own social media as well as whether you pose for pics. Easy peasy. Fwiw, as a mother of a handful of kids, your children will cherish pictures of you when you were pregnant, holding them, etc. You won’t live forever, and those pics will be important to them.

Nobody needs to come to the hospital. Blame covid and germs. Having said that, I was thrilled to have loving grandparents and siblings visit. Those pictures are priceless. Loved ones brought us meals. I happily slept while a trusted family member cuddled my baby.

Fwiw, babies pick up on the emotions of their mother. Try to relax. Seriously.