What do I owe my parents in terms of eldercare?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you cared you’d see them more than once a year and have made an effort to enjoy their company while they were still coherent.

Stay out of it unless your parents ask you to get involved.

OP here and hard disagree. My parents (and siblings) live in a small town in a very remote area. There's a reason my siblings work for or with them -- it would be very hard to have another kind of career there. I moved away because I did not want to work for the family business and you only get one life -- my parents were supportive of me moving, and also my siblings also moved away for varying amounts of time. I would love to see them more often but it is hard (the nearest even midsize airport is 4 hours away from their home, nearest major airport is nearly 7 hours away) and going once a year for a substantial period makes more sense than trying to make multiple shorter trips.

I've found it's sometimes hard for people who grew up in or near cities to understand what it means to grow up in a very remote place and leave for even basic opportunities that you could never find there. It's different than growing up in DC but choosing to live in LA and then making minimal effort to see your family. Even that would be easier! LA is only a 5 hour flight from DC and it's direct.

I get it. DH is from a remote, tiny town with little economic opportunity. His mom was mad he wouldn’t move back.

Anyway, to your original question, I don’t think you have asked much of them and you aren’t obligated to them. Give what you feel is reasonable. I’d stay far away from being involved. It sounds like your sister will just give you headaches.

[Anonymous]

OP, rather than focusing on what you owe, like it's a monetary transaction, why not try to find ways to feel closer to your parents, one or both.

[Anonymous]

Sorry that some people are unkind in their replies.
I would defer to the alpha sister who is on-site with your parents. Recognize that she will complain no matter what, but that her problems are not yours!
If you can build a relationship with a therapist now, then you have someone to help you navigate the waters as things unfold.
PS Please don’t feel like you have to justify yourself to posters on here. You don’t!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t owe them anything. That said, offer as much as you feel comfortable. For me, I contributed my time and effort to navigate the Medicaid process to get them into long term care. I asked my sibling to help with some of the financial paperwork but did most of the work myself. My parent lived with me for a few months (paying way below market room and board), but after a fall and long hospitalization, I refused to let them come back (fall risk and no one at home to take watch, house inaccessible). My obligation was that they were not homeless and medical care taken care of. I was not going to damage my finances or family dynamics or sanity by having a dependent elderly person in my home.

You charged your parent to live with you?

LOL seriously. Some crazy hard-hearted people on DCUM. OP, you should know you're dealing with an entire range of how to see one's relationship with parents, from healthy to wackadoodle crazy.

Sounds like your parents have your other two sibs nearby and a lot of interaction with them already anyway. Why worry?

I wouldn't say I'm worried, I just want to be thoughtful in how I approach.

I don't want it to seem like I am disinterested in their welfare or unwilling to help, as neither or true. Distance makes it hard but I would like to be supportive and helpful. I guess I'm just wondering what others have done in similar situations, living far away with siblings near parents, and what this means your role is.

It really all depends upon the situation. There’s no way to generalize, because there are so many variables (like local, involved siblings, etc.)

[Anonymous]

In my experience, there are some siblings that are more hands on, and others who check out or help as they are able because they know that other siblings have it under control (or because they lack resources, emotional or financial). Since you live so far away, it sounds like you will not be called upon for much other than money, if needed. It also sounds like your sibs "owe" your parents more than you based on family history.

If you are truly wanting to think about how you can be helpful, your role is to support the worker bee sibs as you are able. I would defer to them on care decisions because they are the ones who are going to be doing the hard work when the time comes. Be honest about how much you can contribute financially and be at peace.

What you don't want to do is try and barge in and be a pain for your siblings who are doing the day to day work.

I think your sibs are well aware that you are going to be minimally helpful due to distance, and the upside for them is that you don't get much of a vote. So be helpful and go along with what they want to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t owe them anything. That said, offer as much as you feel comfortable. For me, I contributed my time and effort to navigate the Medicaid process to get them into long term care. I asked my sibling to help with some of the financial paperwork but did most of the work myself. My parent lived with me for a few months (paying way below market room and board), but after a fall and long hospitalization, I refused to let them come back (fall risk and no one at home to take watch, house inaccessible). My obligation was that they were not homeless and medical care taken care of. I was not going to damage my finances or family dynamics or sanity by having a dependent elderly person in my home.

You charged your parent to live with you?

A nominal amount. Not nearly enough to offset the extra food, utilities, housekeepers, etc. Gas to drive to all the doctor appointments, and errands. It adds up. Not to mention we bought a larger house (with in-law suite) in order to accommodate them. If not for them, we would have bought a smaller house as we were going to be empty nesters.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your parents really don't need anything right now. Periodically check in with the sibling who lives them about how your parents are doing and how the sibling is managing. And be supportive of that sibling.

My mother lives in a rural area with my brother about a 6-hour drive from me. As my mother has aged, her needs have changed, but there's nothing dramatic that she needs. Supporting my brother has become what I can do.

And it's really hard to prepare because you usually can't predict how their health will go. Some people linger a long time, some are robust, some decline quickly, and some just suddenly die. The best you can do to prepare or help right now is to maintain a good, supportive relationship with your siblings and parents. Visit when you can. And give your siblings a break if and when they need it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, rather than focusing on what you owe, like it's a monetary transaction, why not try to find ways to feel closer to your parents, one or both.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t owe them anything. That said, offer as much as you feel comfortable. For me, I contributed my time and effort to navigate the Medicaid process to get them into long term care. I asked my sibling to help with some of the financial paperwork but did most of the work myself. My parent lived with me for a few months (paying way below market room and board), but after a fall and long hospitalization, I refused to let them come back (fall risk and no one at home to take watch, house inaccessible). My obligation was that they were not homeless and medical care taken care of. I was not going to damage my finances or family dynamics or sanity by having a dependent elderly person in my home.

You charged your parent to live with you?

DP
When my father came to live with us for what turned out to be his final illness, my sister and he insisted on paying us. At the time, my sister was also going through an illness and my house made the most sense. I protested, but accepted as they were not going to back down. It turned out to be a blessing as it made me feel like they appreciated what I was doing. It was one symbol or token. It was more than R&B, I was basically a nurse, aide, caregiver as he went from his cancer surgery through radiation and into hospice and ultimately death. It was nine months that became increasingly hard to do, but it was a good death and I am glad we were able to give it to him. In addition to visiting several times, she and her family came twice to give us a break. They were/are a 7 hour drive away.

[Anonymous]

Some people are getting nasty, but I think OP has a pretty healthy relationship with her parents given the circumstances. OP chose to get out of the small town life, which is fine and the right choice for her. She had to give up some things to do so.

I don't think this thread is actually about what OP owes her parents, though. I think it's really about how to navigate a demanding and opinionated sibling who will steamroll anything other than what she wants and then complain if anyone disagrees or does something different. In which case, OP, you're doing to have to harden yourself to criticism while sticking to your boundaries. I don't think there's going to be an easy way through it unless your sibling suddenly changes their personality. I would definitely stay off social media and any other place you're going to come across negative comments.

[Anonymous]

This may not answer your question directly, but here's how I navigated my parents' decline, illnesses, and eventual death, with two intermittently functional siblings and tons of family dysfunction.

I spent a good chunk of time talking to my parents individually and together about what they wanted long term. What were their concerns/hopes/goals for their old age and death? What were their top priorities? What did they most want from me?

Some of their answers surprised me. Some let me off the hook a bit, others gave me very clear requests for what they wanted/needed. All of the answers helped me navigate tough times. They also had the foresight to let my siblings know what their preferences were, and to take care of critical things like healthcare proxies, power of attorney, trusts, wills, etc... - that made a HUGE difference.

Things weren't perfect but at several key moments I was able to make decisions based on what I'd discussed with them - rather than on what a sibling thought or what I was guessing at. And knowing I used their wishes as a guiding mechanism gave me peace/comfort for hard decisions or after they had died.

Hopefully your parents have talked w/ each other about these kinds of issues, so they may know what they want. And if they haven't, you can help them have those conversations and that is a gift also. For me, I disagreed w/some of my parents choices, but I know that I honored their wishes. That is comforting to me now that they're gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you cared you’d see them more than once a year and have made an effort to enjoy their company while they were still coherent.

Stay out of it unless your parents ask you to get involved.

OP here and hard disagree. My parents (and siblings) live in a small town in a very remote area. There's a reason my siblings work for or with them -- it would be very hard to have another kind of career there. I moved away because I did not want to work for the family business and you only get one life -- my parents were supportive of me moving, and also my siblings also moved away for varying amounts of time. I would love to see them more often but it is hard (the nearest even midsize airport is 4 hours away from their home, nearest major airport is nearly 7 hours away) and going once a year for a substantial period makes more sense than trying to make multiple shorter trips.

I've found it's sometimes hard for people who grew up in or near cities to understand what it means to grow up in a very remote place and leave for even basic opportunities that you could never find there. It's different than growing up in DC but choosing to live in LA and then making minimal effort to see your family. Even that would be easier! LA is only a 5 hour flight from DC and it's direct.

The PP is right. See your parents more. Your parents are about mid70s. That means generally, they have about 10 more years of life left (give or take). Under your current situation, you will see them maybe 12-15 more times where it is an active event and 8-10 more times when you are visiting because of health issues. You should enjoy their company more. When they are gone, you won't be able to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t owe them anything. That said, offer as much as you feel comfortable. For me, I contributed my time and effort to navigate the Medicaid process to get them into long term care. I asked my sibling to help with some of the financial paperwork but did most of the work myself. My parent lived with me for a few months (paying way below market room and board), but after a fall and long hospitalization, I refused to let them come back (fall risk and no one at home to take watch, house inaccessible). My obligation was that they were not homeless and medical care taken care of. I was not going to damage my finances or family dynamics or sanity by having a dependent elderly person in my home.

You charged your parent to live with you?

DP
When my father came to live with us for what turned out to be his final illness, my sister and he insisted on paying us. At the time, my sister was also going through an illness and my house made the most sense. I protested, but accepted as they were not going to back down. It turned out to be a blessing as it made me feel like they appreciated what I was doing. It was one symbol or token. It was more than R&B, I was basically a nurse, aide, caregiver as he went from his cancer surgery through radiation and into hospice and ultimately death. It was nine months that became increasingly hard to do, but it was a good death and I am glad we were able to give it to him. In addition to visiting several times, she and her family came twice to give us a break. They were/are a 7 hour drive away.

OP, you may want to heed PP's words here in how the sibling who lived at the distance provided caregiver breaks. Yes, the travel can be tough and draining but it is what it is.

I think the financial disparity between how your parents supported your two other siblings v you is tough, but also DK how to navigate. Money can make people crazy. My parents were very good about being transparent as well as clearly striving about treating each one of us equally. I think that is what really helped us work together when the last years came with our parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t owe them anything. That said, offer as much as you feel comfortable. For me, I contributed my time and effort to navigate the Medicaid process to get them into long term care. I asked my sibling to help with some of the financial paperwork but did most of the work myself. My parent lived with me for a few months (paying way below market room and board), but after a fall and long hospitalization, I refused to let them come back (fall risk and no one at home to take watch, house inaccessible). My obligation was that they were not homeless and medical care taken care of. I was not going to damage my finances or family dynamics or sanity by having a dependent elderly person in my home.

You charged your parent to live with you?

DP, but when my mom was about to become homeless because her home was foreclosed upon, I charged her rent when she moved in with us. This was due to her long history of financial irresponsibility (most likely related to undiagnosed mental illness).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you cared you’d see them more than once a year and have made an effort to enjoy their company while they were still coherent.

Stay out of it unless your parents ask you to get involved.

OP here and hard disagree. My parents (and siblings) live in a small town in a very remote area. There's a reason my siblings work for or with them -- it would be very hard to have another kind of career there. I moved away because I did not want to work for the family business and you only get one life -- my parents were supportive of me moving, and also my siblings also moved away for varying amounts of time. I would love to see them more often but it is hard (the nearest even midsize airport is 4 hours away from their home, nearest major airport is nearly 7 hours away) and going once a year for a substantial period makes more sense than trying to make multiple shorter trips.

I've found it's sometimes hard for people who grew up in or near cities to understand what it means to grow up in a very remote place and leave for even basic opportunities that you could never find there. It's different than growing up in DC but choosing to live in LA and then making minimal effort to see your family. Even that would be easier! LA is only a 5 hour flight from DC and it's direct.

The PP is right. See your parents more. Your parents are about mid70s. That means generally, they have about 10 more years of life left (give or take). Under your current situation, you will see them maybe 12-15 more times where it is an active event and 8-10 more times when you are visiting because of health issues. You should enjoy their company more. When they are gone, you won't be able to.

I disagree with random strangers telling people that they should see their parents more. Not everyone is very close with their parents, and not everyone benefits from frequent visits. OP might miss her parents and have regret when they pass, or she might be balancing the relationship in a way that all parties or satisfied and no one has any regret. But I chalk this kind of "you should visit your parents more" criticism up with "you should have multiple kids so they can share the burden of caring with you when you old" and "if you don't have kids you'll regret it when you're old." People assuming everyone should live and feel the way they do and should have the same obligations and responsibilities no matter what.