What do I owe my parents in terms of eldercare?

[Anonymous]

and what will haunt her, and affect her more, after they pass? A monetary issue, no it will be that she didn't find a way to feel close to either of them.

[Anonymous]

My parents also live in a small town out west- though not nearly as remote as your family- but the distance is still an issue. I do A LOT of paperwork for them - from online bill paying to tracking insurance information to elder care payments (from their money). I keep it very transparent with my siblings and we make decisions together, but this is a piece that I can do from a distance and also a piece that my siblings don't want to do so it's helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Distance makes it hard but I would like to be supportive and helpful. I guess I'm just wondering what others have done in similar situations, living far away with siblings near parents, and what this means your role is.

I'm a sibling who loves far away from our two parents. Two siblings live in the same town.

My role is to accept that my two siblings have more to say about what happens with our parents. I visit from out own town for a day or two each time, and try to focus on whatever my siblings say needs to happen. I bring up the difficult conversations, I cajole and badger my parents to get something done; I make them actually pick up the phone and make the appointments; I risk letting my parents get angry with me for being to bossy and forceful and saying what my siblings don't want to say.

I do whatever dirty work needs to be done in the time I am there, because my siblings are doing so much work the weeks I am not there, basically.

I guess what I am saying is, my role is to be the bad guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Distance makes it hard but I would like to be supportive and helpful. I guess I'm just wondering what others have done in similar situations, living far away with siblings near parents, and what this means your role is.

I'm a sibling who loves far away from our two parents. Two siblings live in the same town.

My role is to accept that my two siblings have more to say about what happens with our parents. I visit from out own town for a day or two each time, and try to focus on whatever my siblings say needs to happen. I bring up the difficult conversations, I cajole and badger my parents to get something done; I make them actually pick up the phone and make the appointments; I risk letting my parents get angry with me for being to bossy and forceful and saying what my siblings don't want to say.

I do whatever dirty work needs to be done in the time I am there, because my siblings are doing so much work the weeks I am not there, basically.

I guess what I am saying is, my role is to be the bad guy.

pp, that's super kind of you. We were the siblings nearby, and we did both the grunt work and the "bossy" work - it makes you feel resentful because the distant one can also be the "nice" one, always. That was really big of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Distance makes it hard but I would like to be supportive and helpful. I guess I'm just wondering what others have done in similar situations, living far away with siblings near parents, and what this means your role is.

I'm a sibling who loves far away from our two parents. Two siblings live in the same town.

My role is to accept that my two siblings have more to say about what happens with our parents. I visit from out own town for a day or two each time, and try to focus on whatever my siblings say needs to happen. I bring up the difficult conversations, I cajole and badger my parents to get something done; I make them actually pick up the phone and make the appointments; I risk letting my parents get angry with me for being to bossy and forceful and saying what my siblings don't want to say.

I do whatever dirty work needs to be done in the time I am there, because my siblings are doing so much work the weeks I am not there, basically.

I guess what I am saying is, my role is to be the bad guy.

This is the same way we handle it in our family with many sibs. The faraway people deal with the difficult dad and tough conversations so the close by people avoid added abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t owe them anything. That said, offer as much as you feel comfortable. For me, I contributed my time and effort to navigate the Medicaid process to get them into long term care. I asked my sibling to help with some of the financial paperwork but did most of the work myself. My parent lived with me for a few months (paying way below market room and board), but after a fall and long hospitalization, I refused to let them come back (fall risk and no one at home to take watch, house inaccessible). My obligation was that they were not homeless and medical care taken care of. I was not going to damage my finances or family dynamics or sanity by having a dependent elderly person in my home.

You charged your parent to live with you?

Ugh...I just went through this as well, and charged my parents rent at the recommendation of an elder care lawyer we consulted with.

PP is correct in charging them rent, but incorrect in charging them below market value. If this is done, it needs to be done on the books with a lease and documentation that they are paying rent on par with comparable homes in the area.

In determining Medicaid eligibility for nursing home care, the government needs you to use your assets first to pay for care. They will initiate a 5 year "look back" period where any assets (ie. assets that may possibly pass to family) must be used to pay the government back first. According to the lawyer we spoke with, rent paid to a child would not be considered an "uncompensated transfer", so would be excluded from this process when determining Medicaid eligibility.

It's hard to wrap your head around "charging" your family to help care for them, but by not doing so, you may do your family a disservice if they eventually end up needing to apply for Medicaid.

[Anonymous]

You are lucky, you have your bases covered by other siblings,
Just send some money when the time comes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you cared you’d see them more than once a year and have made an effort to enjoy their company while they were still coherent.

Stay out of it unless your parents ask you to get involved.

Yeah I’m shocked at the once a year visit, occasional FaceTime calls. It all sounds so cold and robotic. Your siblings would be smart to push you out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you cared you’d see them more than once a year and have made an effort to enjoy their company while they were still coherent.

Stay out of it unless your parents ask you to get involved.

Yeah I’m shocked at the once a year visit, occasional FaceTime calls. It all sounds so cold and robotic. Your siblings would be smart to push you out.

You’re “shocked” by once yearly visits? You don’t get out much, do you?

Average family has, what, 3 weeks of vacation time a year? One visit to family living in a remote place that is a full day’s travel to get to and from means spending about a third of that on a visit to that family, each time. You cannot do long weekends with a family that lives that far away— it means getting less time there than in transit.

There is also another set of family (ILs).

Two visits to the family in the remote location each year means you have just one week left for the other family. And zero vacation time left for anything else.

Conversely, a single trip to Disney or NYC or a beach vacation one year makes it all but impossible to visit the remotely-located family more than once.

If you want your adult children to visit a lot, if you would be “shocked” by once yearly visits, don’t make your home in a small remote town that is a many-hours drive from even a midsize airport. And if living in a place that remote (with so few job prospects for your children) is important to you, accept that you may only see some of your children, and their children, for one week out if the year. This is not a choice THEY made independently. You also made this choice.

“Shocked.” Some of you are so limited.

[Anonymous]

You don’t really have an aging parent problem. You have a sibling problem. You just need to realize that your sibling is never going to be happy with anything you do. And then let it go.

I do think it is a little strange you seem to be calculating what to do based on parental financial help over the years. But whatever. The reality is your sibling is going to control both the actual events and the narrative. So, just accept that and do what you are willing to do in the circumstances you have.

FWIW, I’m not close with my dad (mom died). I don’t feel any need to handle his aging issues. He remarried and his wife is young and healthy enough to be able to handle things. But it isn’t some strange calculation about what he paid for. He wasn’t a great parent and we have somewhat limited contact. It is fine. Now, his wife will control both the actual events and the narrative — but I don’t care.

[Anonymous]

My Dh is the primary "caretaker" for his 99 year old mother. She is in assisted living, but attending to her needs-- dealing with finances, insurance, medication, health care issues, assisted living issues, shopping for personal items and clothing-- and visiting her takes a huge amount of time and mental energy. None of his sibling are local.

There are 2 things his siblings can do to be helpful. The first is to visit more often to give us a free weekend every now and again. We visit her every Sunday (and DH sees her during the week) and it's nice to get a break. The second would be to take over whatever can be done remotely. E.g., MIL's 1099 form for her government pension didn't arrive and we couldn't get into her online account. DH spent an hour on hold with OPM to get a copy. This is something one of his siblings could do. And would have done if they, instead of we, were in charge of doing her taxes, something else they could do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t owe them anything. That said, offer as much as you feel comfortable. For me, I contributed my time and effort to navigate the Medicaid process to get them into long term care. I asked my sibling to help with some of the financial paperwork but did most of the work myself. My parent lived with me for a few months (paying way below market room and board), but after a fall and long hospitalization, I refused to let them come back (fall risk and no one at home to take watch, house inaccessible). My obligation was that they were not homeless and medical care taken care of. I was not going to damage my finances or family dynamics or sanity by having a dependent elderly person in my home.

You charged your parent to live with you?

A nominal amount. Not nearly enough to offset the extra food, utilities, housekeepers, etc. Gas to drive to all the doctor appointments, and errands. It adds up. Not to mention we bought a larger house (with in-law suite) in order to accommodate them. If not for them, we would have bought a smaller house as we were going to be empty nesters.

I think that’s totally fair. I would even ask my parent to contribute to the house purchase, if I were buying a larger house solely to accommodate them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you cared you’d see them more than once a year and have made an effort to enjoy their company while they were still coherent.

Stay out of it unless your parents ask you to get involved.

Yeah I’m shocked at the once a year visit, occasional FaceTime calls. It all sounds so cold and robotic. Your siblings would be smart to push you out.

You’re “shocked” by once yearly visits? You don’t get out much, do you?

Average family has, what, 3 weeks of vacation time a year? One visit to family living in a remote place that is a full day’s travel to get to and from means spending about a third of that on a visit to that family, each time. You cannot do long weekends with a family that lives that far away— it means getting less time there than in transit.

There is also another set of family (ILs).

Two visits to the family in the remote location each year means you have just one week left for the other family. And zero vacation time left for anything else.

Conversely, a single trip to Disney or NYC or a beach vacation one year makes it all but impossible to visit the remotely-located family more than once.

If you want your adult children to visit a lot, if you would be “shocked” by once yearly visits, don’t make your home in a small remote town that is a many-hours drive from even a midsize airport. And if living in a place that remote (with so few job prospects for your children) is important to you, accept that you may only see some of your children, and their children, for one week out if the year. This is not a choice THEY made independently. You also made this choice.

“Shocked.” Some of you are so limited.

All of this. I’m super close to my parents, but only visit them once a year and vice versa. I’m in NYC and they’re in a small Midwest town. It takes almost a full day to get there. They don’t complain, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you cared you’d see them more than once a year and have made an effort to enjoy their company while they were still coherent.

Stay out of it unless your parents ask you to get involved.

Yeah I’m shocked at the once a year visit, occasional FaceTime calls. It all sounds so cold and robotic. Your siblings would be smart to push you out.

Ugh, you people need to stop pushing this Disney-esque family image as the only morally correct relationship that exists. If you are shocked that some people only visit their small town parents once a year, you need to go talk to more people. Your level of self righteousness is through the roof.

Frankly, OP, it sounds like you have a healthy relationship with your parents. The distance probably let you avoid a lot of the baggage that comes with close families, small towns, and family businesses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents are mid 70s, both in pretty good health (surprisingly good, actually, given their medical histories). Some early signs of dementia for my mom. They are totally independent and both still work (they run a business), my dad in particular is super socially active.

I live a flight away, married with one kid. We both work and do find for ourselves. I have not relied on my parents financially since college -- self-funded graduate school and paid for own wedding and down payment. They have given us a few cash gifts over the years, like a few thousand when my DC was born to help with expenses. But we've never asked for anything and when we have been given money, it either pays directly for whatever it was given for (once my mom gave me $500 for a birthday towards a new couch and I used it for that), or we put it into savings, whether DC's college fund or general savings. We visit them once a year and they visit us once a year. My DC has regular video calls with them and I join in on those often. I don't consider myself close to my parents but we don't have a bad relationship either. We get along but don't really depend on or confide in each other.

I have two siblings who both live very close to my parents. Both have actually lived with them for long stretches. Both also have families. One of them works for my parents' business full time (and is paid a good salary), the other used to work for it but now has their own business (that is complementary to my parents business, and they do a lot of cross-referral work). One is divorced, the other is still married. Six kids between the two of them.

My parents paid for both of their weddings (actually hosted one of them too), provided extensive childcare to both, and helped one of them buy two different houses, helped fund the other one to custom build a home (providing both funding and actual labor). Their lives are very intertwined.

As my parents near 80, I do have some concerns about their independence and safety/well-being. I would like to be helpful in this transition, as it happens, but have limited money to contribute (we are not broke but most of our money is tied up in our home and any extra goes in retirement and college accounts). Being so far away limits how I might be able to help on a day to day basis. I think my mom would actually embrace moving into assisted living, my dad will fight it. Neither of them will be interested in coming to live with us because they don't like where we live.

What would you view my obligation to my parents to be? How would you help them as they become less independent? I'll state here that one of my siblings will have very strong opinions about what should be done and will view my lack of participation as negligent, but will also view input or involvement from me as meddlesome unless I do exactly as she instructs. This was the dynamic recently with a health issue and I wound up just backing away and staying very hands off after being told my involvement wasn't welcome, but now there is resentment that I did not do enough. So I am wary about navigating that dynamic.

Would love to hear from people who have BTDT.

This is a sad way to think of it. I don't owe my parents a damn thing and my kids don't owe me a damn thing. But when my mother was dying of cancer I did everything in my power to support/help her. I had a newborn and was broke; my brother had $$ and was able to help more on that end, but there's not much I wouldn't do, within my capability, to help/care for my aging parents. I did a lot of research about my moms condition, I talked with her on the phone daily, I made a special trip to visit, I was able to pay for bi-weekly maid service when it snowed I arranged for shoveling, we would watch TV shows together on facetime. I did a lot to support her and to keep her in good spirits. I'm a single mom and I hope that my kids will feel the same when I'm old, elderly, and/or possibly needing support. It's not about obligation, it's about the love and appreciation you feel for your parents.