What do I owe my parents in terms of eldercare?

[Anonymous]

OP - you could visit yourself

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, rather than focusing on what you owe, like it's a monetary transaction, why not try to find ways to feel closer to your parents, one or both.

NP. I kind of agree here. What stood out in the original OP was that you seemed to base any obligation to your parents on their cash outlay to you, rather family obligation, duty, love, guilt - ie, anything that connects you emotionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t owe them anything. That said, offer as much as you feel comfortable. For me, I contributed my time and effort to navigate the Medicaid process to get them into long term care. I asked my sibling to help with some of the financial paperwork but did most of the work myself. My parent lived with me for a few months (paying way below market room and board), but after a fall and long hospitalization, I refused to let them come back (fall risk and no one at home to take watch, house inaccessible). My obligation was that they were not homeless and medical care taken care of. I was not going to damage my finances or family dynamics or sanity by having a dependent elderly person in my home.

You charged your parent to live with you?

Yes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, rather than focusing on what you owe, like it's a monetary transaction, why not try to find ways to feel closer to your parents, one or both.

NP. I kind of agree here. What stood out in the original OP was that you seemed to base any obligation to your parents on their cash outlay to you, rather family obligation, duty, love, guilt - ie, anything that connects you emotionally.

To be fair, OP may feel that their parents may have made less of an investment in them than their other siblings. Rounding errors may be one thing, but if we are talking about tens of thousands of dollars @ compound interest, then I kinda get OP's angle.

[Anonymous]

Even if Op were selfishly thinking only of herself (and I'm not saying she is ...) she will have a better outcome -for herself- if she focuses on the emotional relationship, and how that can be improved, rather than the monetary.

[Anonymous]

Beancounting is never a good look, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Beancounting is never a good look, OP.

it's not though would hope the siblings might be mindful of the history.

[Anonymous]

You owe parents everything or nothing based on your worldview, family history, mental health, upbringing, decency, culture, personality. life situation, relationship, humanity.

I am glad that my siblings and I are close to each other and our parents and this kind of degenerate thinking is not even a possibility.

OP, you are an unfortunate orphan, even when your parents are alive. You are incapable of doing anything for anyone, why worry?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, rather than focusing on what you owe, like it's a monetary transaction, why not try to find ways to feel closer to your parents, one or both.

NP. I kind of agree here. What stood out in the original OP was that you seemed to base any obligation to your parents on their cash outlay to you, rather family obligation, duty, love, guilt - ie, anything that connects you emotionally.

To be fair, OP may feel that their parents may have made less of an investment in them than their other siblings. Rounding errors may be one thing, but if we are talking about tens of thousands of dollars @ compound interest, then I kinda get OP's angle.

I think OP is focusing on the money, but there is emotional baggage behind it. It's just easier to bean count than to try to quantify favoritism and love.

When my grandma died, she gave my aunt over 75% of the estate because "she needed it more." Well she needed it more because she couldn't hold down a job or save any money and had been living off my grandma for decades. My mom would say "This isn't fair. It should have been equal," and someone might think she was just thinking about the money. But I can tell you for sure it cut a lot deeper than money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t owe them anything. That said, offer as much as you feel comfortable. For me, I contributed my time and effort to navigate the Medicaid process to get them into long term care. I asked my sibling to help with some of the financial paperwork but did most of the work myself. My parent lived with me for a few months (paying way below market room and board), but after a fall and long hospitalization, I refused to let them come back (fall risk and no one at home to take watch, house inaccessible). My obligation was that they were not homeless and medical care taken care of. I was not going to damage my finances or family dynamics or sanity by having a dependent elderly person in my home.

You charged your parent to live with you?

Not PP, but we had a discussion with an elder care attorney about advanced dementia care options. He mentioned that if a parent needing FT care moves in with you that he would recommend drawing up a rental+care agreement to transfer assets from the parent’s name to the adult child. Then the adult child could put that money aside for any future care expenses the parent might need.