What do I owe my parents in terms of eldercare?

[Anonymous]

My parents are mid 70s, both in pretty good health (surprisingly good, actually, given their medical histories). Some early signs of dementia for my mom. They are totally independent and both still work (they run a business), my dad in particular is super socially active.

I live a flight away, married with one kid. We both work and do find for ourselves. I have not relied on my parents financially since college -- self-funded graduate school and paid for own wedding and down payment. They have given us a few cash gifts over the years, like a few thousand when my DC was born to help with expenses. But we've never asked for anything and when we have been given money, it either pays directly for whatever it was given for (once my mom gave me $500 for a birthday towards a new couch and I used it for that), or we put it into savings, whether DC's college fund or general savings. We visit them once a year and they visit us once a year. My DC has regular video calls with them and I join in on those often. I don't consider myself close to my parents but we don't have a bad relationship either. We get along but don't really depend on or confide in each other.

I have two siblings who both live very close to my parents. Both have actually lived with them for long stretches. Both also have families. One of them works for my parents' business full time (and is paid a good salary), the other used to work for it but now has their own business (that is complementary to my parents business, and they do a lot of cross-referral work). One is divorced, the other is still married. Six kids between the two of them.

My parents paid for both of their weddings (actually hosted one of them too), provided extensive childcare to both, and helped one of them buy two different houses, helped fund the other one to custom build a home (providing both funding and actual labor). Their lives are very intertwined.

As my parents near 80, I do have some concerns about their independence and safety/well-being. I would like to be helpful in this transition, as it happens, but have limited money to contribute (we are not broke but most of our money is tied up in our home and any extra goes in retirement and college accounts). Being so far away limits how I might be able to help on a day to day basis. I think my mom would actually embrace moving into assisted living, my dad will fight it. Neither of them will be interested in coming to live with us because they don't like where we live.

What would you view my obligation to my parents to be? How would you help them as they become less independent? I'll state here that one of my siblings will have very strong opinions about what should be done and will view my lack of participation as negligent, but will also view input or involvement from me as meddlesome unless I do exactly as she instructs. This was the dynamic recently with a health issue and I wound up just backing away and staying very hands off after being told my involvement wasn't welcome, but now there is resentment that I did not do enough. So I am wary about navigating that dynamic.

Would love to hear from people who have BTDT.

[Anonymous]

You don’t owe them anything. That said, offer as much as you feel comfortable. For me, I contributed my time and effort to navigate the Medicaid process to get them into long term care. I asked my sibling to help with some of the financial paperwork but did most of the work myself. My parent lived with me for a few months (paying way below market room and board), but after a fall and long hospitalization, I refused to let them come back (fall risk and no one at home to take watch, house inaccessible). My obligation was that they were not homeless and medical care taken care of. I was not going to damage my finances or family dynamics or sanity by having a dependent elderly person in my home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t owe them anything. That said, offer as much as you feel comfortable. For me, I contributed my time and effort to navigate the Medicaid process to get them into long term care. I asked my sibling to help with some of the financial paperwork but did most of the work myself. My parent lived with me for a few months (paying way below market room and board), but after a fall and long hospitalization, I refused to let them come back (fall risk and no one at home to take watch, house inaccessible). My obligation was that they were not homeless and medical care taken care of. I was not going to damage my finances or family dynamics or sanity by having a dependent elderly person in my home.

You charged your parent to live with you?

[Anonymous]

You don’t owe them anything. It sounds like you already have established very clear financial boundaries, and what your siblings think about that is their concern, not yours (although it sounds like your parents are not financially dependent on their children and have their own resources). I think if/when there’s a medical crisis/decline that necessitates big decisions about their care, you will sit down with your spouse and make and figure out what you are/are not willing to take on.

Again, what your siblings think is not relevant - as long as you have a solid understanding of and comfort with the decisions you make.l, and why.

[Anonymous]

Sorry for typos ^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t owe them anything. That said, offer as much as you feel comfortable. For me, I contributed my time and effort to navigate the Medicaid process to get them into long term care. I asked my sibling to help with some of the financial paperwork but did most of the work myself. My parent lived with me for a few months (paying way below market room and board), but after a fall and long hospitalization, I refused to let them come back (fall risk and no one at home to take watch, house inaccessible). My obligation was that they were not homeless and medical care taken care of. I was not going to damage my finances or family dynamics or sanity by having a dependent elderly person in my home.

You charged your parent to live with you?

+1. Oof.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t owe them anything. That said, offer as much as you feel comfortable. For me, I contributed my time and effort to navigate the Medicaid process to get them into long term care. I asked my sibling to help with some of the financial paperwork but did most of the work myself. My parent lived with me for a few months (paying way below market room and board), but after a fall and long hospitalization, I refused to let them come back (fall risk and no one at home to take watch, house inaccessible). My obligation was that they were not homeless and medical care taken care of. I was not going to damage my finances or family dynamics or sanity by having a dependent elderly person in my home.

You charged your parent to live with you?

I'm not OP, but my parents charged me to live with them after I turned 18. If my parents wanted to live with me I'd charge them too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t owe them anything. That said, offer as much as you feel comfortable. For me, I contributed my time and effort to navigate the Medicaid process to get them into long term care. I asked my sibling to help with some of the financial paperwork but did most of the work myself. My parent lived with me for a few months (paying way below market room and board), but after a fall and long hospitalization, I refused to let them come back (fall risk and no one at home to take watch, house inaccessible). My obligation was that they were not homeless and medical care taken care of. I was not going to damage my finances or family dynamics or sanity by having a dependent elderly person in my home.

You charged your parent to live with you?

LOL seriously. Some crazy hard-hearted people on DCUM. OP, you should know you're dealing with an entire range of how to see one's relationship with parents, from healthy to wackadoodle crazy.

Sounds like your parents have your other two sibs nearby and a lot of interaction with them already anyway. Why worry?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t owe them anything. That said, offer as much as you feel comfortable. For me, I contributed my time and effort to navigate the Medicaid process to get them into long term care. I asked my sibling to help with some of the financial paperwork but did most of the work myself. My parent lived with me for a few months (paying way below market room and board), but after a fall and long hospitalization, I refused to let them come back (fall risk and no one at home to take watch, house inaccessible). My obligation was that they were not homeless and medical care taken care of. I was not going to damage my finances or family dynamics or sanity by having a dependent elderly person in my home.

You charged your parent to live with you?

I'm not OP, but my parents charged me to live with them after I turned 18. If my parents wanted to live with me I'd charge them too.

And we wonder why people shout at strangers on the road and otherwise don't give a crap about those around them. Sheesh, this is so pathetic.

[Anonymous]

If you cared you’d see them more than once a year and have made an effort to enjoy their company while they were still coherent.

Stay out of it unless your parents ask you to get involved.

[Anonymous]

If you want to help, help. If you don't, don't. No need for drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t owe them anything. That said, offer as much as you feel comfortable. For me, I contributed my time and effort to navigate the Medicaid process to get them into long term care. I asked my sibling to help with some of the financial paperwork but did most of the work myself. My parent lived with me for a few months (paying way below market room and board), but after a fall and long hospitalization, I refused to let them come back (fall risk and no one at home to take watch, house inaccessible). My obligation was that they were not homeless and medical care taken care of. I was not going to damage my finances or family dynamics or sanity by having a dependent elderly person in my home.

You charged your parent to live with you?

LOL seriously. Some crazy hard-hearted people on DCUM. OP, you should know you're dealing with an entire range of how to see one's relationship with parents, from healthy to wackadoodle crazy.

Sounds like your parents have your other two sibs nearby and a lot of interaction with them already anyway. Why worry?

I wouldn't say I'm worried, I just want to be thoughtful in how I approach.

I don't want it to seem like I am disinterested in their welfare or unwilling to help, as neither or true. Distance makes it hard but I would like to be supportive and helpful. I guess I'm just wondering what others have done in similar situations, living far away with siblings near parents, and what this means your role is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you cared you’d see them more than once a year and have made an effort to enjoy their company while they were still coherent.

Stay out of it unless your parents ask you to get involved.

OP here and hard disagree. My parents (and siblings) live in a small town in a very remote area. There's a reason my siblings work for or with them -- it would be very hard to have another kind of career there. I moved away because I did not want to work for the family business and you only get one life -- my parents were supportive of me moving, and also my siblings also moved away for varying amounts of time. I would love to see them more often but it is hard (the nearest even midsize airport is 4 hours away from their home, nearest major airport is nearly 7 hours away) and going once a year for a substantial period makes more sense than trying to make multiple shorter trips.

I've found it's sometimes hard for people who grew up in or near cities to understand what it means to grow up in a very remote place and leave for even basic opportunities that you could never find there. It's different than growing up in DC but choosing to live in LA and then making minimal effort to see your family. Even that would be easier! LA is only a 5 hour flight from DC and it's direct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you cared you’d see them more than once a year and have made an effort to enjoy their company while they were still coherent.

Stay out of it unless your parents ask you to get involved.

OP here and hard disagree. My parents (and siblings) live in a small town in a very remote area. There's a reason my siblings work for or with them -- it would be very hard to have another kind of career there. I moved away because I did not want to work for the family business and you only get one life -- my parents were supportive of me moving, and also my siblings also moved away for varying amounts of time. I would love to see them more often but it is hard (the nearest even midsize airport is 4 hours away from their home, nearest major airport is nearly 7 hours away) and going once a year for a substantial period makes more sense than trying to make multiple shorter trips.

I've found it's sometimes hard for people who grew up in or near cities to understand what it means to grow up in a very remote place and leave for even basic opportunities that you could never find there. It's different than growing up in DC but choosing to live in LA and then making minimal effort to see your family. Even that would be easier! LA is only a 5 hour flight from DC and it's direct.

You have lots of excuses, if your parents were a priority you would have made additional visits with them happen. I see why your siblings are annoyed with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t owe them anything. That said, offer as much as you feel comfortable. For me, I contributed my time and effort to navigate the Medicaid process to get them into long term care. I asked my sibling to help with some of the financial paperwork but did most of the work myself. My parent lived with me for a few months (paying way below market room and board), but after a fall and long hospitalization, I refused to let them come back (fall risk and no one at home to take watch, house inaccessible). My obligation was that they were not homeless and medical care taken care of. I was not going to damage my finances or family dynamics or sanity by having a dependent elderly person in my home.

You charged your parent to live with you?

I'm not OP, but my parents charged me to live with them after I turned 18. If my parents wanted to live with me I'd charge them too.

My mom charged me rent to live with her for few months after I turned 18.

Now she’s elderly and lived with us completely free for 11 months. I asked her to leave. She wants me to give her $300-400 for an apartment. She’s collected over $12k in benefits since living here. I said no. Not all old people are nice.

And sometimes for government benefit reasons, you have to charge a disabled person rent. I’ll have to do that after my disable child becomes an adult.