Toxic relative is dying, I still don’t want to talk with him

[Anonymous]

No, you don't need to think about him, let alone see him, talk to him, or go to his funeral. Feel free to explain this to whoever is pushing you to reconnect, in your most acid tones.

My mother has a chronic illness and a significant disability that impacts her daily life. It's not her fault, but it has changed her behavior negatively. Long-term disease tends to do that. But the bottom line is that if there is poor behavior, it doesn't matter where it comes from - the victim is still victimized. I've had to distance myself significantly to stay sane, even though I love my mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he’s not even asking for you, there is no reason to even consider it.

+1, this is about your mom, not about your uncle.

I don't think you have a moral imperative to reconcile with him, and I have an inkling you don't either. Your opinion should be the determinative factor -- this is your choice.

The issue is that your mom is pressuring you to do so, indicating that it's important to HER that you do it. If she gives you a hard time about this, tell her that you want to support her in her grief at losing her brother, and if there is anything you can do for her to help, you will. But you can't reconcile with your uncle for her -- that's about your relationship with him, and it's not up to her. Plus, as the PP points out, you can't reconcile with someone who doesn't want to reconcile with you.

This is a wise post.

In your shoes I'd do everything I can to support cousin and mom, but not feel obligated to uncle.

[Anonymous]

Do whatever makes YOU happy as long as you don’t have any regrets.

[Anonymous]

“There is nothing for me to ‘reconcile’ with Uncle Ted. I have never been rude to him, nor have I subjected him to racist or homophobic tirades. If *he* wants to reconcile with *me,* he can reach out to me by leading with an apology of being a racist jerk to me and my kids. If he is sincere, I will tell him I appreciate and accept his apology. But that will be it. I do not have warm, loving feelings toward him because of his hateful behavior, and I won’t pretend otherwise. He’s earned my distrust and dislike for him. I won’t pretend otherwise.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my view, it's incumbent upon the racist bigot to change and want to reach out and show remorse before they die. It's not the job of the people that have been the subject of their abuse and harsh words to try to make amends. Your mom is speaking from a place of grief for her dying brother but she is in the wrong here.

+100. It's ok to just do what you're doing.

I agree with this as well. Releasing anger within your heart for your own well being is important. You owe neither your mother or uncle here and it is interesting that this is something she is pushing. Uncle has lived a life of hatred, only HE can repent AND express remorse…period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my view, it's incumbent upon the racist bigot to change and want to reach out and show remorse before they die. It's not the job of the people that have been the subject of their abuse and harsh words to try to make amends. Your mom is speaking from a place of grief for her dying brother but she is in the wrong here.

+100. It's ok to just do what you're doing.

I agree with this as well. Releasing anger within your heart for your own well being is important. You owe neither your mother or uncle here and it is interesting that this is something she is pushing. Uncle has lived a life of hatred, only HE can repent AND express remorse…period.

Not to mention, this just give him one last chance to act abusive to and traumatize her before he dies. It seems crazy that anyone would willingly put themselves into this situation.

[Anonymous]

My siblings and I refused to make up with my cousin who was dying of cancer and I have no regrets. She used a racial slur for my sis in law. She had to live and die with the consequences of her actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he’s not even asking for you, there is no reason to even consider it.

+1, this is about your mom, not about your uncle.

I don't think you have a moral imperative to reconcile with him, and I have an inkling you don't either. Your opinion should be the determinative factor -- this is your choice.

The issue is that your mom is pressuring you to do so, indicating that it's important to HER that you do it. If she gives you a hard time about this, tell her that you want to support her in her grief at losing her brother, and if there is anything you can do for her to help, you will. But you can't reconcile with your uncle for her -- that's about your relationship with him, and it's not up to her. Plus, as the PP points out, you an't reconcile with someone who doesn't want to reconcile with you.

NP. This post makes a good point. This is not about the relationship with the horrible uncle, it's about the mother who is already in a panicky grieving mode, hoping and trying for reconciliations and some kind of positivity surrounding the death of her sibling. Even if she and he were not close, even if she knows how awful and racist and toxic he is--it is still a huge life change, and a gigantic reminder of one's own mortality, when even a terrible sibling dies. I know this from personal experience, OP. So if you can, muster all the empathy your'e able to muster for your mom's situation here--but no, you don't have to speak to your uncle ever.

The PP above gives you a good script to use with your mother. If you and she get along, OP, I would absolutely do as PP suggests and offer up, "I want to support YOU because you're losing your brother and that must be hard." I might add some kind of specific, concrete offer of help for her -- "Can I bring over a couple of meals you can put in your fridge, so you can spend more time with him and not have to worry about cooking when you get home?" or whatever is appropriate; that's just one example. If she's long distance from you, maybe you only need to lend an ear if she talks about his medical prognosis, while also deflecting every time when she starts in on "you need to talk to him": "Uncle X is doing better today but the doctors say it won't be long now. Have you called him? You need to reconcile." "Mom, we've discussed that.--How is Aunt Y doing with all this? Is the nursing home doing a good job for the family?" etc. Do not cave and "reconcile" but deflect every time and then change the direction of the conversation.

I'm really sorry your whole family is going through this, OP. It dredges up SO much awful stuff, and conflicting emotions, when someone dies, and when that person has been a horrible family member, it's worse. Just don't let this man's toxic legacy end up including a rift between you and your mother after his death. If that happens, he "wins" with his toxicity from beyond the grave. Stick to your guns on not talking to him but please support her in any other way you can.

If she's very worked up about your contacting him, your shoes I might send him a generic "thinking of you" card ("get well" isn't appropriate) by snail mail and then you can tell her you did get in touch with a card, and leave it there. I have a lot of much older friends and they tend to want and value snail mail greeting cards a lot, so doing that might placate her while obligating you to absolutely nothing.

Let me be clear--you would be doing it 100 percent for HER sake, and not for his, and it's not a pass for him on his previous terrible behaviors. It's a bit of cardboard you can use to tell your mother, I did reach out because it meant so much to you, and now...what can I do for YOU today, mom?

[Anonymous]

A lot of the older generation has the delusion that for family you must sacrifice your soul to keep things seeming loving. He is an abusive jerk. Just because he is family doesn't mean you have to forgive and be loving. You get to choose what you want to do. Better to work out with a therapist then have mom impose her rigid ideas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, you don't need to think about him, let alone see him, talk to him, or go to his funeral. Feel free to explain this to whoever is pushing you to reconnect, in your most acid tones.

My mother has a chronic illness and a significant disability that impacts her daily life. It's not her fault, but it has changed her behavior negatively. Long-term disease tends to do that. But the bottom line is that if there is poor behavior, it doesn't matter where it comes from - the victim is still victimized. I've had to distance myself significantly to stay sane, even though I love my mother.

Worlds of difference between what OP describes as a lifetime of truly toxic attitudes and behavior from the uncle, and your situation with a parent you love whose behavior is altered by something beyond her control. Of course no one should have to endure toxic commentary etc. even if it's caused by illness etc. But have you talked with her medical team or caregivers if any, about whether there are periods when she is more her old self, and a visit could be more positive for you both?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of the older generation has the delusion that for family you must sacrifice your soul to keep things seeming loving. He is an abusive jerk. Just because he is family doesn't mean you have to forgive and be loving. You get to choose what you want to do. Better to work out with a therapist then have mom impose her rigid ideas.

But in the short term, right now, OP needs to have ways to deal with mom's understandable upset and grief over this impending death. Mom may not be "rigid" so much as flailing to create some kind of positive (in mom's mind) in what is such an awful scenario. OP should not talk to someone she deems toxic, but OP can still be supportive and loving toward mom without contacting uncle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of the older generation has the delusion that for family you must sacrifice your soul to keep things seeming loving. He is an abusive jerk. Just because he is family doesn't mean you have to forgive and be loving. You get to choose what you want to do. Better to work out with a therapist then have mom impose her rigid ideas.

But in the short term, right now, OP needs to have ways to deal with mom's understandable upset and grief over this impending death. Mom may not be "rigid" so much as flailing to create some kind of positive (in mom's mind) in what is such an awful scenario. OP should not talk to someone she deems toxic, but OP can still be supportive and loving toward mom without contacting uncle.

This. OP is well within her rights not to reach out to her uncle, but I wouldn't take it out on Mom, who is grieving the loss of a sibling. Be compassionate and loving to Mom, even as you decline to seek reconciliation with Uncle, at least until he shows any sign of wanting to reconcile himself!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, you don't need to think about him, let alone see him, talk to him, or go to his funeral. Feel free to explain this to whoever is pushing you to reconnect, in your most acid tones.

My mother has a chronic illness and a significant disability that impacts her daily life. It's not her fault, but it has changed her behavior negatively. Long-term disease tends to do that. But the bottom line is that if there is poor behavior, it doesn't matter where it comes from - the victim is still victimized. I've had to distance myself significantly to stay sane, even though I love my mother.

It's OP's mother. I'd forgo the "acid tones," so as not to pile hurt onto a woman who is grieving her brother's impending death. You can be gentle, kind, and firm.

[Anonymous]

Just tell her you will think about it and that you will 'see if you can get there emotionally despite what he has said/done'. Say it every time.

That worked with my family.... it seemed as long as I was 'thinking about it' (though I wasn't), it sounded better/softer than the previous 'no' I used every time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, you don't need to think about him, let alone see him, talk to him, or go to his funeral. Feel free to explain this to whoever is pushing you to reconnect, in your most acid tones.

My mother has a chronic illness and a significant disability that impacts her daily life. It's not her fault, but it has changed her behavior negatively. Long-term disease tends to do that. But the bottom line is that if there is poor behavior, it doesn't matter where it comes from - the victim is still victimized. I've had to distance myself significantly to stay sane, even though I love my mother.

Worlds of difference between what OP describes as a lifetime of truly toxic attitudes and behavior from the uncle, and your situation with a parent you love whose behavior is altered by something beyond her control. Of course no one should have to endure toxic commentary etc. even if it's caused by illness etc. But have you talked with her medical team or caregivers if any, about whether there are periods when she is more her old self, and a visit could be more positive for you both?

PP you replied to. My point was that even in more loving circumstances, it's very hard to deal with rude/racist/abusive people, regardless of why they are this way. I was supporting OP.

And regarding my relationship with my mother... ha! You have no idea, PP.

I'm 42. My mother was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis before I was born. She has always been very manipulative, used guilt about her condition to separate my father and I from friends and hobbies, has been verbally and psychologically abusive to her attempts to keep us with her at all times, because she doesn't want to go out or try to make friends. And of course she refuses all medication (even ones pertaining to her condition). She denies she has a problem. She blames us if we complain - we're accused of being too sensitive, and that anything hurtful she said was said in jest. She refuses any other caregiver than my father, who is a martyr.

I have only known her like this. She refuses help. There is nothing I can do, except distance myself and my family and visiting occasionally. My father needs to fend for himself - he could, if he really wanted to, hire someone to help him. And yet, in all this, we do love each other.

It's complicated.