Reply to Toxic relative is dying, I still don’t want to talk with him

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]If he’s not even asking for you, there is no reason to even consider it. [/quote]

+1, this is about your mom, not about your uncle.

I don't think you have a moral imperative to reconcile with him, and I have an inkling you don't either. Your opinion should be the determinative factor -- this is your choice.

The issue is that your mom is pressuring you to do so, indicating that it's important to HER that you do it. If she gives you a hard time about this, tell her that you want to support her in her grief at losing her brother, and if there is anything you can do for her to help, you will. But you can't reconcile with your uncle for her -- that's about your relationship with him, and it's not up to her. Plus, as the PP points out, you an't reconcile with someone who doesn't want to reconcile with you.[/quote]

NP. This post makes a good point. This is not about the relationship with the horrible uncle, it's about the mother who is already in a panicky grieving mode, hoping and trying for reconciliations and some kind of positivity surrounding the death of her sibling. Even if she and he were not close, even if she knows how awful and racist and toxic he is--it is still a huge life change, and a gigantic reminder of one's own mortality, when even a terrible sibling dies. I know this from personal experience, OP. So if you can, muster all the empathy your'e able to muster for your mom's situation here--but no, you don't have to speak to your uncle ever.

The PP above gives you a good script to use with your mother. If you and she get along, OP, I would absolutely do as PP suggests and offer up, "I want to support YOU because you're losing your brother and that must be hard." I might add some kind of specific, concrete offer of help for her -- "Can I bring over a couple of meals you can put in your fridge, so you can spend more time with him and not have to worry about cooking when you get home?" or whatever is appropriate; that's just one example. If she's long distance from you, maybe you only need to lend an ear if she talks about his medical prognosis, while also deflecting every time when she starts in on "you need to talk to him": "Uncle X is doing better today but the doctors say it won't be long now. Have you called him? You need to reconcile." "Mom, we've discussed that.--How is Aunt Y doing with all this? Is the nursing home doing a good job for the family?" etc. Do not cave and "reconcile" but deflect every time and then change the direction of the conversation.

I'm really sorry your whole family is going through this, OP. It dredges up SO much awful stuff, and conflicting emotions, when someone dies, and when that person has been a horrible family member, it's worse. Just [i]don't let this man's toxic legacy end up including a rift between you and your mother after his death. If that happens, he "wins" with his toxicity from beyond the grave.[/i] Stick to your guns on not talking to him but please support her in any other way you can.

If she's very worked up about your [i]contacting[/i] him, your shoes I might send him a generic "thinking of you" card ("get well" isn't appropriate) by snail mail and then you can tell her you did get in touch with a card, and leave it there. I have a lot of much older friends and they tend to want and value snail mail greeting cards a lot, so doing that might placate her while obligating you to absolutely nothing.

Let me be clear--you would be doing it 100 percent for HER sake, and not for his, and it's not a pass for him on his previous terrible behaviors. It's a bit of cardboard you can use to tell your mother, I did reach out because it meant so much to you, and now...what can I do for YOU today, mom? [/quote]

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