Toxic relative is dying, I still don’t want to talk with him

[Anonymous]

I have no regrets 6 years later that I never saw my father while he was dying. I had a very helpful therapist well ahead of time and had already mourned the horrible person he was. I forgave him by accepting that's the past and that's who he was.

[Anonymous]

No need to do that. No mom, I’m not doing that.

[Anonymous]

OP, no need to "reconcile" with him, by which I assume your mom means you need to see him in person and express something positive toward him.

I'm not sure what your mom is going through, but try telling her "Mom, I am not coming to visit, but on my own I am making peace with my relationship with Uncle Jerk, and I am sure he is making peace with his relationship with me. You don't need to worry us."

Yes, your version of "making peace" is that you accept your Uncle is a racist jerk, and his version is still being a racist jerk, but so what? You can reassure your mom and support her without seeing your uncle.

[Anonymous]

No, you don’t, and don’t feel bad about it.

[Anonymous]

I’m a doctor. I used to think it was sad when sick and dying people had not one to visit or take care of them in this hospital especially when we knew they had a lot of living family. Then a colleague pointed out that they must have been a read a-hole up until that point to get to this space where no one cared about them. It was a good point and changed my perspective. People don’t become saints just because they’re sick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, no need to "reconcile" with him, by which I assume your mom means you need to see him in person and express something positive toward him.

I'm not sure what your mom is going through, but try telling her "Mom, I am not coming to visit, but on my own I am making peace with my relationship with Uncle Jerk, and I am sure he is making peace with his relationship with me. You don't need to worry us."

Yes, your version of "making peace" is that you accept your Uncle is a racist jerk, and his version is still being a racist jerk, but so what? You can reassure your mom and support her without seeing your uncle.

This is what I was thinking and then flip to your mom's feelings - "Mom, I'm more concerned about you. I'm sure facing the loss of a sibling is hard. Tell me some good memories."

I was also wondering about the caretaker cousin. Is s/he doing this in spite of the past relationship or have they made amends? Learning how they're coping may help your own thinking in terms of the closure.