Toxic relative is dying, I still don’t want to talk with him

[Anonymous]

My uncle (moms brother) has always been an angry, mean, racist, abusive a-hole. He is also disabled and has been most of his adulthood. He was a horrible emotionally abusive parent to my cousins, particularly the eldest whom now is his caretaker m. As an adult, I logically understand that he is depressed about his disability and has some undiagnosed antisocial personality disorder. The last time I saw him he was telling my 3 year old that “(race) are all (insert horrible words with cursing) and there should be (genocide).” This is the tip of a 70-year old iceberg.

My mom has been urging me to reconcile. I freeze and go into panic thinking about it. Do I (morally) have to reconcile or am I justified to limit contact as much as possible?

[Anonymous]

In my view, it's incumbent upon the racist bigot to change and want to reach out and show remorse before they die. It's not the job of the people that have been the subject of their abuse and harsh words to try to make amends. Your mom is speaking from a place of grief for her dying brother but she is in the wrong here.

[Anonymous]

My MIL became toxic and was dying for a few years. I stopped speaking to her in spring of 2022 after she went into a rage for few weeks leaving awful messages. But on her death bed, I told her I loved her.

[Anonymous]

You don’t have to reconcile but my mom would advise you to forgive him in your heart.

[Anonymous]

If he’s not even asking for you, there is no reason to even consider it.

[Anonymous]

Your mom is being ridiculous. I would get off the phone every time she brings this up.

[Anonymous]

F that. No need to reconcile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he’s not even asking for you, there is no reason to even consider it.

+1, this is about your mom, not about your uncle.

I don't think you have a moral imperative to reconcile with him, and I have an inkling you don't either. Your opinion should be the determinative factor -- this is your choice.

The issue is that your mom is pressuring you to do so, indicating that it's important to HER that you do it. If she gives you a hard time about this, tell her that you want to support her in her grief at losing her brother, and if there is anything you can do for her to help, you will. But you can't reconcile with your uncle for her -- that's about your relationship with him, and it's not up to her. Plus, as the PP points out, you an't reconcile with someone who doesn't want to reconcile with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL became toxic and was dying for a few years. I stopped speaking to her in spring of 2022 after she went into a rage for few weeks leaving awful messages. But on her death bed, I told her I loved her.

A few weeks of bad behavior is pretty different. Especially when she was already dying.

[Anonymous]

You’re not obligated to do anything. My grandmother, 94, won’t be around forever, but she chose to believe my dad over me when I was candid about him sexually abusing me as a child. My uncle has reached out trying to get me to reconnect but why? Old age/death does not absolve one of bad behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my view, it's incumbent upon the racist bigot to change and want to reach out and show remorse before they die. It's not the job of the people that have been the subject of their abuse and harsh words to try to make amends. Your mom is speaking from a place of grief for her dying brother but she is in the wrong here.

+100. It's ok to just do what you're doing.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PPs that said this is about your mom, not about your uncle. I feel most sorry for your cousin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he’s not even asking for you, there is no reason to even consider it.

+1, this is about your mom, not about your uncle.

I don't think you have a moral imperative to reconcile with him, and I have an inkling you don't either. Your opinion should be the determinative factor -- this is your choice.

The issue is that your mom is pressuring you to do so, indicating that it's important to HER that you do it. If she gives you a hard time about this, tell her that you want to support her in her grief at losing her brother, and if there is anything you can do for her to help, you will. But you can't reconcile with your uncle for her -- that's about your relationship with him, and it's not up to her. Plus, as the PP points out, you an't reconcile with someone who doesn't want to reconcile with you.

Absolutely this!

[Anonymous]

No need to reconcile. You are reconciled to the fact that there’s no relationship there or emotional connection, and you find his values and behavior extremely objectionable. Support your mother but tell her you are not going to reconcile with her brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom has been urging me to reconcile.

What does she mean by this OP?